English Joke(1-6)
English jokes
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
英文笑话带翻译简短
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Translation: 一个人手里拿着一块沥青走进酒吧，然后说：“一杯啤酒，还有一杯要打包走。”
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Translation: 为什么稻草人获得了奖项？因为他在他的领域里表现出色。（这个笑话利用了outstanding的双关语，既指出色的也指在田野上）
看懂一段笑话的英文
看懂一段笑话的英文"Understanding an English Joke"A joke can be a great way to lighten the mood and bring some laughter into our lives. However, translating humor from one language to another can be challenging. In this article, we will explore how to understand and appreciate an English joke, even if English is not your native language.1. Familiarize Yourself with English WordplayEnglish jokes often rely on wordplay, puns, and double entendres. These linguistic techniques can create humor by using words with multiple meanings or by exploiting the sound or similarity between words. To understand jokes like these, it is essential to have a solid grasp of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions in English.For example, consider the following joke: "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!" This joke plays on the double meaning of "make up," which can mean both "compose" and "fabricate." Understanding this pun is crucial to appreciating the humor.2. Learn Cultural ReferencesJokes can be heavily influenced by cultural references, including famous people, events, or specific contexts. Understanding these references is crucial to fully grasp the comedic intent. Therefore, immersing yourself in English-speaking cultures through books, movies, and conversations can be beneficial.For instance, here's a joke that involves a British cultural reference: "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!" Knowing that "being outstanding in one's field" means excelling in a particular domain while also understanding the image of a scarecrow in agricultural settings is essential for getting the joke.3. Embrace the UnexpectedOne characteristic of English humor is the element of surprise. Many jokes rely on unexpected twists or absurd situations. To understand and appreciate these jokes, you need to be open to unconventional and unpredictable scenarios.Consider the following example: "Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!" The unexpected punchline plays on the literal meaning of "guts" (internal organs) and the figurative meaning of "guts" (courage). Appreciating this type of humor requires thinking outside the box and embracing unexpected connections.4. Seek Contextual CluesUnderstanding the context surrounding a joke can significantly aid comprehension. If you're struggling to understand a joke, consider the setting, characters, and any clues given in the joke itself. Contextual clues can provide valuable information to decipher the punchline.For instance, let's examine this joke: "Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!" By knowing that bicycles typically have two tires and that "two-tired" sounds similar to "too tired," the punchline becomes clear.5. Utilize Language Learning ResourcesTo enhance your understanding of English jokes, take advantage of language learning resources specifically designed to help learners navigate humor. Websites, books, and apps dedicated to English jokes can provide explanations, translations, and even exercises to build your joke comprehension skills.ConclusionUnderstanding English jokes involves familiarizing yourself with English wordplay, learning cultural references, embracing the unexpected, seeking contextual clues, and utilizing language learning resources. By continuously practicing and exposing yourself to various jokes, you'll gradually develop a sense of humor in English and enjoy the laughter that comes with it. So, put a smile on your face, have a good laugh, and enjoy the wonderful world of English comedy!。
jokee-英语笔记-笑话选
英语笑话选English Jokes SelectionsBill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driverto go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".A six-year-old girl asks her mother, - "Mommy, how old are you?"The mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. Youare not supposed to ask a woman her age."Then she asks, - " How much do you weigh?"The mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. Peopledon't want to be asked about their weight."The girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you areolder, I'll tell you."The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friendabout the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, -"That's easy!! Look at her driver's license. You can find all the information in there."So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks atit for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You weigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an "F" in sex! "A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security forsuch a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls intothe bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!=--=If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" andstart all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed abreak from life, click on suspend.Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.When you loose your car keys, click on find."Help" with the chores is just a click away.Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bentover, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me backinto a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and braveyou are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me backinto a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for anentire week."The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returnedit to his pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.."Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.Subject: The real "circle of life" - man's point of viewWhen I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, butthere was no passion. So I decided I needed apassionate girl with a zest for life. In college,I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,cried all the time and threatened suicide. So Idecided I needed a girl with some stability.When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but shewas boring. She was totally predictable and nevergot excited about anything. Life became so dullthat I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn'tkeep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuousthings and flirted with everyone she met. She mademe miserable as often as happy. She was great funinitially and very energetic, but directionless. SoI decided to find a girl with some ambition.When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl withher feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.BEER TROUBLESHOOTINGSYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.FAULT: Glass empty.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.FAULT: You have fallen over backward.ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.FAULT: You have fallen forward.ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.FAULT: Bar has closed.ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.ACTION: Cover mouth.SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.FAULT: You are dancing on the table.ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.ACTION: Punch him.SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.FAULT: You have been in a fight.ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.ACTION: See if they have free beer.SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.FAULT: The beer is too weak.ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.FAULT: Beer is just right.ACTION: Play air guitar.小笨霖英语笔记本全集关于我们链接我们我要投稿推荐朋友登录社区新天地所登文章来源于互联网；并不代表本站观点 | 本站内容非法律文件,部分内容可能已不适用。
English jokes
English jokes1、Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush? 冰山和衣刷之间有什么区别？A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!一个撞船一个刷大衣！(单词的拼写造成的JOKE）2、white man：are you Black?black man：no,i'm WhiteHe WonTommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.他赢了汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？约翰尼：他害病卧床了。
他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, \\\\他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。
他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。
“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。
”A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. \money I gave you yesterday?\\\But why are you so interested in the old woman?\\好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
英国人的幽默 (English Humor)
Mr. Bean
English sense of humor
• Its starting-point is self-dispraise, and its great enemy is conceit. Its object is the ability to laugh at oneself---at one’s own faults, one’s own failure, even at one’s own ideals. The criticism, “He has no sense of humor” is very commonly heard in Britain, where humor is highly prized. A sense of humor is an attitude to life rather than the mere ability to laugh at jokes. This attitude is never cruel or disrespectful or malicious.
once again.
英国人的幽默，像捉摸不定的鬼火一样，不会 轻易被人识破和参透，就在你以为自己悟出其中奥
妙时，不料却又一次受了愚弄。
• Since the English never say what they mean, often the exact opposite, and tend towards reticence(无言,沉默,谨慎) and understatement(掩饰), their humor is partly based on an exaggeration(夸大) of this facet(方面) of their own character. So, while in conversation they avoid confrontation(面对 面), in their humor they mock that avoidance(避免).
210530705_English_Jokes_英语笑话
河南固始信合外国语小学 陈妮妮 编译English Jokes 英语笑话1. A toothbrush and a broom牙刷和扫帚甲：当这把牙刷老了的时候，它会变成什么呢？乙：一把扫帚。
A: What will the toothbrush become when it grows older?B: A broom.792. An automobile汽车甲：什么东西由10个字母组成，而且还靠汽油发动？乙：汽车。
A: What has ten letters and starts with gas?B: An automobile.3. Because the bed won 't come to you因为床不会到你这里来孩子：爸爸，我为什么要去床上睡觉？爸爸：因为床不会到你这里来。
Kid: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed?Dad: Because the bed won’t come to you.4. Tonight is the final game今晚是决赛一个男人晚上睡不着，所以他去看医生。
他对医生说：“医生，每天晚上我都在梦中踢足球。
”医生说：“吃这些药，它们会帮助你睡好的。
”男人说：“我不能接受它们，因为今晚是决赛。
”A man could not fall asleep at night, so he went to a doctor. He said to the doctor, “Doctor, every night in my dream I am playing soccer.”The doctor said, “Take these pills. They will help you sleep better.”The man said, “I can’t take them, as tonight is the final game.”5. Because there was extra time因为有加时赛汤姆是一名小学生。
外研版小学英语单词汇总1-6
小学英语分册词汇(外研版三年级起点)第一册MOUDLE 1 hello (hi) 你好I am (I’m) 我是goodbye(bye-bye) 再见goodmorning 早上好How are you? 你好吗fine（身体）很好thank you 谢谢and 和MODULE 2 too 也boy 男孩girl 女孩Ms 女士good afternoon 下午好Mr先生what 什么your 你的name 名字MODULE3 a 一个panda 熊猫now 现在it is（it’s）它是red 红的blue 蓝的yellow 黄的green 绿的black 黑的dog 狗desk 书桌chair椅子orange 橘黄色的MODULE4how many 多少个？one 一two 二three 三four 四five 五six 六seven 七eight 八nine 九ten 十 cap 帽子hand 手cat 猫MODULE 5stand up 起立point to 指向door 门window 窗户sit down 坐下bird 鸟eleven 十一twelve 十二MODULE6pupil 小学生this 这个my 我的school 学校classroom 教室English 英语teacher 教师that 那个bag 书包pencil 铅笔pen 钢笔book 书MODULE 7happy birthday生日快乐head 头to 给……on 在……上面under 在……下面hat 帽子where 那里in 在……里面cake 蛋糕here 这里present 礼物MODULE 8today 今天how old 多大know 知道no 不，不是dragon 龙yes 是的help 帮助kite 风筝look 看MODULE 9mother 母亲father 父亲doctor 医生grandpa 祖父，外祖父grandma 祖母，外祖母sister 姐妹me 我（宾格）brother 兄弟driver 司机policeman 警察farmer 农民nurse 护士he 他she 她MODULE 10arm 手臂leg 腿foot(feet) 脚these这些her 她的 his 他的eye 眼睛ear 耳朵mouth 嘴nose 鼻子MODULE 11tiger 老虎big 大的they 他们lion 狮子elephant 大象monkey 猴子small小的fat 胖的short 矮的tall 高的thin 瘦的has 有MODULE 12like 喜欢football 足球basketball 篮球table tennis 乒乓球morning exercises 早操swimming 游泳cycling （骑）自行车skipping rope 跳绳第二册MODULE1favourite 特别喜欢的song 歌曲barbie doll芭比娃娃teddy bear 玩具熊toy 玩具ship 轮船computer game电脑游戏jigsaw 拼图游戏car 小汽车MODULE2pass 传，递rice 米饭please 请meat 肉but 但是noodles 面条fish 鱼肉milk 牛奶chocolate 巧克力mango 芒果banana 香蕉apple 苹果pear 梨orange 橘子MODULE 3o’clock点钟at 在…have breakfast 吃早饭half past 点半go to school 上学have lunch 吃午饭go home 回家have dinner 吃晚饭time 时间MODULE 4weekend 周末play 玩，打（球）watch TV 看电视Chinese 汉语（语文课）Maths 数学课Science 科学课hot 热的New Year 新年Chinese 中国的Spring Festival 春节see 明白，理解we 我们family 家庭peanut 花生sweets 糖果Christmas 圣诞节England 英国sing 唱（歌）tree 树MODULE 5spring 春天warm 温暖的summer 夏天cold 寒冷的autumn 秋天cool 凉爽的winter 冬天MODULE 6do 做weekend 周末Chinese 语文，汉语Maths 数学Science 科学play 打（球）sleep 睡觉today 今天Music 音乐Art 美术PE 体育MODULE 7for 给，为about 关于Spring 春节New Year新年Christmas圣诞节England 英国sing 唱歌give 给present 礼物eat 吃MODULE 8hot 热的summer 夏天spring 春天warm 暖和的fly 放（风筝）autumn 秋天cool 凉爽的winter 冬天cold 寒冷的sunny 晴朗的，阳光充足的windy 有风的MODULE 9have got 拥有animal 动物sport运动dress 连衣裙，女装coat 外套sweater 毛线衫has got 拥有（have got的第三人称单数形式）T-shirt T恤衫by 乘坐，以……方式bike 自行车bus 公共汽车go to work 上班walk 步行MODULE 10on 在……上面box 盒子under 在……下面bedroom 卧室park 公园swim 游泳lake 湖snow 雪第三册单词表Module 1one 一个物品purple 紫色的pink 粉色的white 白色的orange 橙色的point 分winner 冠军thirteen 十三fourteen 十四fifteen 十五sixteen 十六seventeen 十七eighteen 十八nineteen 十九twenty 二十Module 2go straight on 直着走live 居住road 道路，街道excuse me对不起，打扰turn left 向左转turn right 向右转next to 临近的，在…旁边supermarket 超市station 车站train 火车up 向上hill 小山down向下near 接近，临近house 房屋Module 3write 书写letter 信件，字母picture 图画friend 朋友take pictures 照相talk to 和……交谈little 小的，年幼的play with 玩，摆弄listen to 听read 阅读Module 4let’s 让我们get on 上（车）lots of 许多interesting 有趣的thing 物品，东西look at 看people 人，人们park 公园lake 湖row 划（船）boat 船men 男人（复数）；人（复数）chess 象棋drink 喝，饮用hungry 饥饿的Module 5Chinese 中国的fast food 快餐want 需要，想要some 一些make 制作nice 美味的chopsticks 筷子（复数）difficult困难的，难用的cook 烹饪，烧（菜）vegetable 蔬菜love 喜爱Module 6can 能够run 跑fast 快jump 跳high 高far 远ride 骑，乘flute 笛子wash 洗，清洗clothes 衣服draw 画Module 7children 孩子（复数）tomorrow 明天by plane 乘坐飞机get up 起床from 来自……China 中国swim 游泳sea 大海visit 拜访，看望stone 石头，石头的animal 动物Module 8Sports Day 运动日for 为了……，给……metre 米every day 每天good luck 好运气come on 快点，赶快high jump 跳高long jump 跳远Module 9soup 汤sorry 抱歉，对不起sweets 糖果（复数）bread 面包turn on 打开light 灯biscuit 饼干fruit 水果today 今天come in 请进of course 当然Module 10count 数数January 一月February 二月March 三月April 四月May 五月June 六月party 聚会July 七月August 八月September 九月October 十月November十一月December 十二月第四册单词表Module 1nice 好的，友善的a bit 有一点shy 害羞的clever 聪明的naughty 淘气的cool 酷的little 小的，年幼的cute 可爱的Module 2capital 首都about 关于beautiful 美丽的long 长的wide 宽的many 很多的river 河流old 古老的famous 著名的Module 3take 带走，拿走picnic 野餐great 太好了ball 球why 为什么because 因为so 所以homework 家庭作业help 帮助Monday 星期一Tuesday星期Wednesday 星期三Thursday星期四Friday星期五Saturday星期六Sunday星期日Module 4robot 机器人everything 所有事情one day （总）有一天，housework 家务learn 学习our 我们的weather 天气Module 5than 比……old 年长的young 年轻的strong 强壮的Mount Qomolangma 珠穆朗玛峰the Great Wall 长城the Summer Palace 颐和园Module 6voice 声音think 认为better 更好的first 第一个agree 同意worse 较差的quiet 安静的bad 差的pop music 流行音乐Module 7country 国家east 东，东边project 综合实践活动also 也call 称作speak 说（某种语言）right 正确的city 城市west 西，西边cousin 表（堂）兄（弟、姐、妹）there 那里north 北，北边south 南，南边Module 8who 谁grandparent （外）祖父（母）then 在那时me 我（宾格）hair 头发so 如此地，多么地Module 9phone 打电话yesterday 昨天day 一天him 他（宾格）laugh 笑dance 跳舞stop 停止last 刚过去的，最近的Module 10happen 发生ride 骑，乘then 然后thirsty 口渴watermelon 西瓜carry 携带，运送bump 磕、碰stomachache 胃疼cold 感冒headache 头疼fever 发烧fell off (fall off的过去式) 跌落went (go的过去式)去…bought (buy过去式)买had (have的过去式)吃；患（病）第五册单词表Module 1when 什么时候back 回来，回到home 回家，到家those 那些ice cream 冰激凌with 和……一起finish 吃完hurry 赶紧，匆忙hurry up 快点wait 等待drop 落下，掉下dear 亲爱的met(meet过去式)遇见ran (run的过去式) 跑Module 2need 需要food 食物shopping 购物单cheese 奶酪how much 多少（用于不可数名词）kilo 千克，公斤juice 果汁box 盒bottle 瓶Module 3the British Museum 大英博物馆the London Eye 伦敦眼wheel 轮，轮状物wonderful 令人惊奇的understand 明白，理解postcard 明信片hour 小时mountain 山Module 4mine 我的yours 你（们）的argue 争吵matter 麻烦事，困难wear 穿hers 她的his 他的line 绳子clean 干净的whose 谁的Module 5enough 足够的give 给every 每个，每一everyone 每人，人人them 它（他，她）们careful 小心的Module 6well 好地team 队，组control 控制badly 不好地really 真正地，确实地catch 接住，抓住fantastic 极好的，极出色的Module 7programme 节目useful 有用的blind 盲的，失明的deaf 聋的hear 听到firemen 消防员（复数）mum 妈妈sausage 香肠sit 坐sit down 坐下chick 小鸟Module 8exercise 体操，运动playground 操场before 在……前skip 跳（绳）coffee 咖啡tea 茶bell 铃rang (ring过去式)鸣，响Module 9feel 感觉到sad 难过的miss 想念bored 无聊的angry 生气的nothing 没什么secret 秘密tell 告诉surprise 使人意外的；意外tired 疲倦的，劳累的grandfather （外）祖父farm 农场game 比赛lost(lose的过去式)丢失smell 闻到Module 10should 应该cross 穿过dangerous 危险的hold 抓住，握住hand 手say 说话，讲话in a hurry 匆忙第六册Module1life生活different不同的ago以前any任何，一些television电视机grandchildren（外）孙子（女）us我们（宾格）grandmother（外）祖母lady女士，夫人fire炉火radio收音机telephone电话field田地hope希望Module 2learnt（learn的过去式）学习these这些dancer舞蹈演员class班级study学习hard努力的retired退休的Module 3egg鸡蛋email电子邮件sandwich三明治traditional传统的delicious美味的，可口的hamburger汉堡ate（eat的过去式）吃gave（give的过去式）给drank（drink的过去式）喝tonight在今夜，今晚Module 4library图书馆find找到CD-ROM电脑光盘bring带来，拿来use使用card卡片easy简单的information信息timetable时间表，时刻表dictionary字典newspaper报纸Module 5light轻的broken坏的，破的heavy重的pocket口袋，兜二hard困难的Module 6photo照片stay停留week星期，周parent父亲，母亲rode骑（马）horse马climb攀登，爬holiday假日Module 7message信息another另一个idea主意，想法office办公室busy忙碌的Module 8suggest建议quickly快地，迅速地excited激动的，兴奋的America美国Chinese中国人kind种类dragon龙same相同的circle圆，圆圈Module 9wore穿women女人actor演员told讲，告诉joke笑话funny滑稽的after在……以后show演出ready准备好的soon不久bed床room房间history历史question问题borrow借来evening傍晚Module 10list目录，清单airport机场shoe鞋ticket票toothbrush牙刷arrive到达taxi出租车flat公寓building建筑物made（make过去式）做again再一次。
English joke
English JokesThe Perfect Son.A: I have the perfect son.B: Does he smoke?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he drink whiskey?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he ever come home late?A: No, he doesn't.B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.Boy: What are the two things?Girl: Your feet.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.Doctor: Next please!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.B: I'm not. I'm her mother.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?Johnny: Nothing, sir.Headmaster: Exactly.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Why are you crying?B: The elephant is dead.A: Was he your pet?B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?""Wrong number," replied the girl.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"TEACHER: " Of course not."PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A teacher asked a student to write 55.Student asked: How?Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!The student wrote 5 and stopped.Teacher: What are you waiting for?Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:Phone rings: "Green, green!"They answer: "Yellow?"They ask: "White?"They hang up: "Pink!"While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?Little Johnny: But I asked first!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two goldfish in a bowl talking:Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Son: Dad, what is an idiot?Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?Man: I offer you myself.Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.Man: I want to share everything with you.Woman: Let's start from your bank account.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Why are you late?Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?Student: No. I was standing on it.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bank Teller: How do you like the money?English Student: I like it very much.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Why do you take baths in milk?""I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffeeWaitress: Is it enough Sir?Customer: What? Do you think I can't buy more?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"You look very funny wearing that belt.""I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"I was born in California.""Which part?""All of me."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?""No, I'm sorry I don't.""Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?Student: Well...yes and no.Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finallya year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.The student: I walk. You walk ....The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.The student: I run. You run ...--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Father: What did you do today to help your mother?Son: I dried the dishesDaughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfastB: What was it?A: Eggs.B: No, that was yesterday.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Why are all those people running?B: They are running a race to get a cup.A: Who will get the cup?B: The person who wins.A: Then why are all the others running?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Said to a railroad engineer:What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.The reply from the railroad engineer:How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?B: It's because your feet aren't empty.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?Student: No, he did it all by himself.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?Student: I don't know.Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed."What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked."No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?B: OkA: A white horse fell in the mud.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driverperiodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I used to be a werewoolf...But I'm much better noooooooooooow !--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Spell SPOT three times.""S P O T , S P O T , S P O T""What do you do when you come to a green light?"(answer is invariably-) "Stop!""What, at a GREEN light?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In a restaurant:Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------One teacher said this to his students before the final test."A" is for God."B" is for me and my wife."C" is for the perfect student."D & F" are for all other students.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?God said to man --- So that you will love them.Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?God said to man --- So that they will love you.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock Knockwho’s there?Olive.Olive who?Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock, knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock, knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock, knock.Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock, knock.Who's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say banana?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------(For advanced learners... and teachers?)Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?He ordered a cup of o a cafe?He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherder who gathered his flock and heard?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Do you know what really amazes me about you?""No.What?""Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?Submitted by ShahirahComment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.What is a person who speaks one language?An American.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?Woman : Who cares?!(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)。
英文版地狱笑话大全
英文版地狱笑话大全The Joke of Souls in Hell (English Edition)In the deepest pits of the underworld, where sinners are eternally tormented, even laughter can be found. Yes, that's right, even hell has its own set of jokes. In this compilation, we present to you a collection of dark humor that is sure to tickle your funny bone, or perhaps send a chill down your spine. Brace yourself as we delve into the abyss of English jokes straight from the depths of Hell.1. The Devil's ChallengeOne day, the Devil decided to hold a joke competition among his most loyal demons. Whoever could make him laugh would receive a day off from their duties. The demons eagerly began telling their best jokes, from slapstick to wordplay. Despite their efforts, not a single demon could crack a smile on the Devil's face. Frustrated, one demon shouted, "I bet even the souls in Heaven can come up with funnier jokes!" To everyone's surprise, the Devil burst into laughter. The demon, confused, asked, "What's so funny?" The Devil replied, "Well, you see... everyone knows there are no souls in Heaven!"2. The Three SinnersThree sinners found themselves in a room filled with torture devices. As they looked around, they noticed a sign that read, "Choose your punishment wisely." The first sinner, a thief, said, "I am used to pain, so I'll take the rack." The second sinner, a murderer, said, "I deserve nothing less than the iron maiden." The third sinner, a lawyer, confidently said, "I choose... theelectric chair!" The devil looked at the lawyer and said, "That one's out of order, but don't worry, we'll have it fixed soon."3. A Special RequestAfter spending centuries in hell, a sinner managed to strike up a conversation with the Devil. The sinner, tired of the eternal torment, made a bold request. "Can I have a day off from the flames? Just one day to feel the cool breeze and see the sunlight?" Surprisingly, the Devil agreed. The sinner enjoyed his day in the mortal world, relishing in the simple pleasures of life. As the day came to an end, the Devil appeared before him. The sinner pleaded, "Can I have one more day?" The Devil smirked and replied, "Sure, but remember, all good things must come to an end. Tomorrow, you're mine again."4. The Devil's Shopping TripOne day, the Devil decided to go shopping in the mortal realm. He walked into a clothing store and asked the salesperson for a black suit. The salesperson, recognizing the Devil, said, "We don't serve your kind here." The Devil smirked and replied, "That's a shame. I was hoping to blend in at the next board meeting."5. A Demon's MistakeA demon accidentally ended up in a church during a sermon. The demon, unfamiliar with the concept of forgiveness, listened intently as the priest spoke about redemption. When the sermon ended, the demon approached the priest and asked, "So, when do we start the torment?"6. The Devil's InternThe Devil, feeling overwhelmed with work, decided to hire an intern. The intern's first task was to sort through an endless pile of sin reports. After hours of tedious work, the intern approached the Devil, visibly distressed. "I can't do this anymore," the intern cried. The Devil, amused, responded, "Welcome to Hell, kid."7. A Punishment Fit for a KingA wicked king arrived in Hell after a lifetime of cruelty and oppression. The Devil, impressed by his wickedness, offered him the chance to choose his own punishment. The king, with a cruel smile, said, "I want to be surrounded by my loyal subjects for all eternity!" The Devil granted his wish and filled the king's chamber with his loyal subjects. However, each subject had the power to disobey his commands. The king soon realized the true agony of being surrounded by individuals who refused to bend to his will.8. A Fiery ComplaintA sinner, tired of the never-ending flames, approached the Devil with a complaint. "The heat is unbearable! Can't you do anything about it?" The Devil, looking surprised, responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't realize how uncomfortable you were. Let me turn on the air conditioning... Oh wait, we don't have any!"9. A Hellish WishOne day, a sinner stumbled upon a lamp in Hell. Rubbing it, the sinner was surprised to see a genie appear. The genie, feeling generous, offered one wish. The sinner said, "I wish to spend eternity in Heaven." The genie laughed and said, "Sorry, buddy, but you're stuck with us down here."10. A Demon's LoveA demon fell in love with a human who had just arrived in Hell. The demon, willing to do anything for their love, approached the Devil and asked for a favor. "Can you bring me to the mortal realm to be with them?" The Devil, touched by the demon's love, granted their request. However, as they embraced in the mortal realm, the demon whispered, "I don't belong here. Take me back to Hell." And with that, they both returned to the abyss.And there you have it - a glimpse into the dark humor that echoes through the depths of Hell. These English jokes, although macabre in nature, serve as a reminder that even in the most despairing places, laughter can be found. So, the next time you find yourself in a dire situation, remember these jokes from the underworld and allow a chuckle to escape, for in the face of darkness, humor can be a guiding light.。
英语幽默小故事(共10张PPT)
第6页，共10页。
【3】Twenty-eight Days
Teacher: Now, Nick, tell me which month has twentyeight days in it．
and give examples．
Pupil（学生）:Cold contracts, heat expands．That's why days are shorter in winter and longer in summer．
第5页，共10页。
【3】Twenty-eight Days
Teacher: Now, Nick, tell me which month has twentyeight days in it．
heat
expands．That's
why days are shorter in winter and longer in summer． N比ic尔k（：因th为ink它s 经a l常ittl产e a生n许d s多ay错s）误：。 They all have．
PNuicpki（l（t学hi生nk）s a:Cliottlldecaonndtrsaacyts,）h：eatTehxepyaanldl sh．avTeh．at's why days are shorter in winter and longer in summer．
英语幽默小故事
第1页，共10页。
【1】At the Lesson of Geography（在地理课上） A teacher put his finger on some place on the map and said: “What is this, John?”
English jokes
hear the boys are gonna strike," one worker told another."What for?" asked the friend."Shorter hours.""Good for them. I always did think 60 minutes was too long for an hour."A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will betesting the speaker system to make sure it will workproperly in case of emergency. If you are unable to hear this announcement,please contact us."A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot in front of a pet store.The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." the lady is furious!She stormed past the store to her work.On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Shewas incredibly ticked now.The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would destroy the store and k ill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot did n't say it again.When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?"The bird said, "You know."english joke英语笑话（一）老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。
英语笑话6则
– 吉姆鼻子流着血回到家里。 他妈妈问，“发生了什么 事？” “一个男孩咬了我 一口，”吉姆说。 “再见 到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈 问。 “他走到哪里我都能 认出他，”吉姆说。“他的 耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
JOKE 3: What is the bad news? 坏消息呢？
A guy goes to see his doctor to get his test results. "Well Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that you have only 24 hours to live. "That's the good news?" wails Jones, "What is the bad news?" The Doctor gives a sheepish grin and says, "I should have told you
English Jokes_英文小笑话
What is the longest word in the English language?SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.Maria: This is it.Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?Class: Maria did.A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink."Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: You were speeding.Man: No, I wasn't.Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.Man: But I wasn't speeding.Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?Officer: Yes, you would.Man: What if I just thought that you were?Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).•Telegram•Telephone•Tell a womanPerhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. B: That's impossible. Whose baby?A: An elephant's."Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said."Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.A: I'm in a big trouble!B: Why is that?A: I saw a mouse in my house!B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.A: I don't have one.B: Well then, buy one.A: Can't afford one.B: I can give you mine if you want.A: That sounds good.B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap. A: I don't have any cheese.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.A: I don't have oil.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.A: I don't have bread.B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."A man is talking to God.The man: "God, how long is a million years?"God: "To me, it's about a minute."The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"God: "To me it's a penny."The man: "God, may I have a penny?"God: "Wait a minute."Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school."If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?B: Yes, of course.A: Great! I never could before!Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".Student: I is the...Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.Two factory workers are talking.The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies, "And how would you do that?"The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."Two cows are standing in a field.One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"Teacher: How can we get some clean water?Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?B: Still no idea.A: Meet my new born brother.B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?A: An envelope.Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?A: Wet.Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?A: A stick.Q: Where do you find giant snails?A: On the ends of their fingers.(Giants' nails.)Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?A: A stamp.Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?A: A blackboard.These need to be written.Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?A: A piiig.Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?A: Santa Claus walking backwards.Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?A: Baby elephants.Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?A: Mississippi.Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?A: Nothing, it just waved!Submitted by: Eric SteinThe First 3 Years of Marriage•In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.•In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.•In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.Riddles of AlphabetQ: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?A: B. (bee)Q: What letter is a part of the head?A: I. (eye)Q: What letter is a drink?A: T. (tea)Q: What letter is a body of water?A: C. (sea)Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?A: The letter " I "Q: What letter is a vegetable?A: P. (pea)Q: What letter is an exclamation?A: O. (oh!)Q: What letter is a European bird?A: J. (Jay)Q: What letter is looking for causes ?A: Y. (why)Q: What four letters frighten a thief?A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?A: The letter "m".Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?A: It can make "her" "hear".Q: Which is the loudest vowel?A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noiseQ: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?A: Alphabet = (26 letters)Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".Q: What is the end of everything?A: The letter "g".Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?A: A piano.Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?A: 3 blind mice.Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?A: A taxi driver.The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense.Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?A: A carrotQ: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?A: The customer had hiccups.I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?A: No idea.(No-eye deer)ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)。
english jokes
The joke about the tigerTwo men are walking through a forest. Suddenly, they see a tiger in the distance, running towards them. They turn and start running away. But then one of them stops, takes some running shoes from his bag, and starts putting them on.“What are you doing?” says the other man. “Do you think you will run fast er than the tiger with those?”“I don’t have to run faster than the tiger,” he says. “I just have to run faster than you.”The joke about the genieAn Australian is sitting at a bar, and he sees a lamp on a table. He picks up the lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”The man thinks for a while, then he says, “I want a beer that is never empty.”The genie waves his hand, and a bottle of beer appears on the bar. The Australian starts drinking it. When it is almost empty, it starts to refill. The man is very happy. The genie asks about his next two wishes.The man says, “I want two more of those.”The joke about the ugly sonThere was a man who had four children, all extremely good-looking, except for the youngest one, Craig. Craig was quite ugly!The man grew old, and just before he died he asked his wife, “Mary, I have only one question. Please tell me the truth. Am I Craig’s father?”“Yes, my dear,” replied his wife. “I promise you, Craig is 100% yours.”The husband smiled. “I can die a happy man. Goodbye, my love.” And he peacefully passed away.Mary gave a big sigh and said, “Thank god he didn’t ask me about the other three.”The joke about the smart dogA man went to visit a friend, and was surprised to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in amazement for a while.“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”“Oh, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve won four games so far, and he’s only won two.”The joke about the cute dogA man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch!" he says. "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"The joke about the robberOne night, Tim was walking home, and all of a sudden a robber jumped on him. Tim and the robber began to fight. They fought and fought, but finally the robber managed to pin him to the ground. He searched Tim’s pockets, but only found 25 cents. The robber was so surprised that he asked Tim, “Why did you fight so hard for just 25 cents?”Tim said, “I thought you wanted to steal the $500 that I’ve got in my shoe!”The joke about the poolA beautiful woman walked into an orchard (果园) and found a lovely pool. It was a hot day, and she decided to go for a swim. She looked around, but didn’t see anybody. So she took off all her clothes. She was just about to jump into the pool, when a man suddenly appeared. He was the owner of the orchard, and he had been hiding behind a tree!“This is my orchard, and swimming in the pool is prohibited (禁止),” he said.“Well, you should have told me that before I undressed,” said the woman angrily.“Swimming is prohibited,” he replied, “But undressing isn’t.”Blonde joke 1:A blonde woman goes to work one day, crying. Her boss asks her why she’s c rying, and she says that she just heard that her mother had died. The boss tells her to go home and rest, but the woman wants to continue working so that she won’t think about the sad news too much. A few hours later, the blonde receives a phone call. Afterwards, her boss hears her crying again. He goes and asks her what has happ ened. She says, “It’s so sad. My sister just called, and told me that her mother has died too.”Blonde joke 2:A blonde walks into a shop, and finds a sales assistant. She asks, "How much does that TV cost?" But the sales assistant says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The blonde is disappointed, and leaves the shop. But then she has an idea: she'll change the color of her hair. So she dyes it brown, goes back to the shop the next day, and finds a different sales assistant. She asks again, "How much doesthat TV cost?" But that sales assistant also says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The blonde is surprised, and asks, "But how did you know I was a blonde?" The sales assistant says, "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."Blonde joke 3:Game of IntelligenceThere was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.Blonde joke 4:Blondes PainA young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow! That hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe （耳垂）. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained (扭伤) finger."Blonde joke 5:You've got mailA man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”Blonde joke 6:TrainA brunette (person with dark hair) was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21, 21, 21." A blonde walked by, noticed the brunette, started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what the brunette was saying. The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, "21, 21, 21." The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22, 22, 22."Blonde joke 7:True or False TestThe blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails.Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour. But, " she says, "I am rechecking my answers."。
帮我说一些笑话英文
帮我说一些笑话英文Sure, here's a collection of English jokes for you:Joke 1:Why don't scientists trust atoms?Because they make up everything!Joke 2:Why don't skeletons fight each other?They don't have the guts!Joke 3:What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!Joke 4:Why don't oysters donate to charity?Because they are shellfish!Joke 5:How do you organize a space party?You planet!Joke 6:Why did the scarecrow win an award?Because he was outstanding in his field! Joke 7:Why did the bicycle fall over?Because it was two-tired!Joke 8:Why did the tomato turn red?Because it saw the salad dressing!Joke 9:Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!Joke 10:Which is faster, hot or cold?Hot, because you can catch a cold!Joke 11:What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved!Joke 12:Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!Joke 13:Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them!Joke 14:Why did the chicken go to the seance?To talk to the other side!Joke 15:Why don't skeletons fight each other?They don't have the guts!I hope these jokes brought a smile to your face!。
美国笑话英文
美国笑话英文American Jokes in EnglishAs laughter is a universal language, jokes have the power to bring people from different cultures and backgrounds together. In this article, we will explore a collection of American jokes in English that are sure to bring a smile to your face. So sit back, relax, and get ready for some laughter!1. The Elementary Math TeacherWhy did the math teacher open a bakery? Because he wanted to make some dough!Explanation: In this joke, there is a play on words between "dough" (a term used in both baking and money) and "dough" (referring to money itself). The math teacher's desire to make dough is both literal and figurative.2. The Funny AstronautHow do you organize a space party? You "planet"!Explanation: This joke relies on a pun between "planet" (a celestial body) and "plan it" (to organize an event). By using wordplay, the joke presents a humorous scenario of an astronaut "planning it."3. The Coffee LoverWhy did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!Explanation: This joke utilizes a pun between "mugged" (meaning to be robbed) and "mug" (a common container for drinking coffee). By personifying the coffee as a victim, the joke takes on a playful twist.4. The Smart VegetablesWhat did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian? We have to stop "meating" like this!Explanation: In this joke, there is a pun between "meating" (meeting) and "meat" (referring to animal-based food). The wordplay serves as a humorous commentary on the vegetarian lifestyle.5. The Punny InventorWhy did the inventor of the door knocker win an award? Because he nailed it!Explanation: In this joke, there is a play on words between "nailed it" (succeeding at something) and "nailed" (referring to attaching something with a nail). The door knocker inventor's success is portrayed humorously through the wordplay.6. The Hilarious DentistWhy did the dentist take up gardening? Because he wanted to flossom!Explanation: This joke relies on a pun between "flossom" (a combination of "floss" and "blossom") and "blossom" (to grow flowers). The unexpected connection between dental care and gardening adds a humorous twist to the punchline.7. The Clever AthleteWhy don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!Explanation: This joke plays on the multiple meanings of "make up." On one hand, atoms are the building blocks of all matter; on the other hand, "make up" can mean fabricating or inventing something. The punchline cleverly captures the irony of scientists questioning something they are composed of.8. The Musical DogWhat do you get when you cross a dog and a daisy? A "Collie"flower!Explanation: This joke utilizes a pun between "Collie" (a breed of dog) and "Calla" (a type of flower). The play on words creates the image of a hybrid between a cute dog and a beautiful flower, leading to a humorous visual.9. The Quick-Witted Traffic JamWhy did the bicycle fall over? It was "two-tired!"Explanation: In this joke, there is a pun between "two-tired" (meaning feeling exhausted) and "tire" (the rubber wheel on a bicycle). The wordplay ingeniously attributes fatigue to bicycles, leading to a whimsical scenario.10. The Comical ChefWhy did the chef quit his job? He couldn't find the "thyme"!Explanation: This joke relies on a pun between "thyme" (a herb used in cooking) and "time" (referring to periods or instances). The wordplay humorously suggests that the chef's main ingredient, thyme, had disappeared.Conclusion:Jokes serve as a delightful way to brighten our days and bridge cultural gaps. These American jokes in English offer a glimpse into American humor, showcasing the clever wordplay and puns that make us laugh universally. So, the next time you need a good laugh, remember these jokes and share them with friends and family for a moment of light-heartedness. Keep smiling and spreading joy through laughter!。
English_joke
1. Proposal（求婚）An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal."Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend."Y our chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."2.The First TimePatient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.Surgeon（外科医生）: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.3. Is He SomebodyTom: My uncle has 500 men under him.Jack: He must be very important.Tom: Not really---he is a maintenance man in a cemetery.4.Nest and HairMy sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom."What kind of bird?" my sister asked."I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child."Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her ."Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "Notes:(1) inform v.告诉(2) nest n.窝；巢(3) description n.描述(4) encourage v.鼓励(5) resemble v. 相似；类似5. The Perfect SonA: I have the perfect son.B: Does he smoke?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he drink whiskey?A: No, he doesn't.B: Does he ever come home late?A: No, he doesn't.B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.6. Nature lessonThe teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."7. CoincidenceTEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of a coincidence?"STUDENT: "My mother and father got married on the same day, at the same time!"8. Time Is MoneyAs the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?" "Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered .9.It's His FaultBilly and Bobby were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good.""Yes, Mummy." the two boys answered, and they went out.They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allens' house.""He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?""I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly ducked."10 Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."Y ou're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy."11．I've Just Bitten My T ongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "Notes:(1) poisonous adj.有毒的12.A Woman Who FellIt was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New Y ork City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"13. Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?A: Keep him awake.14. Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."15. my little dog can't readMrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.16. Bring me the winner-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.-- Well, bring me the winner then.17. a million dollarsA man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"18.DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.""But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"19.He WonTommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.20. Laziest manA site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change."I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced."Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up."Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man."Too much trouble," came the reply."Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. " Oh.yes.Y ou've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver. Boy: May I hold your hand?Girl: No thanks,it isn't heavy.Boy: Can I buy you a drink?Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.Boy: Is this seat empty?Girl: Y es,and this one will be if you sit down.Boy: Haven't I seen you some place before?Girl: Y es.That's why I won't go there anymore.Boy: I'd like to call you.Y our number?Girl: It's in the phone book.Boy: Hi,didn't we go on dates before? Once or twice?Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice.Girl: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring?Boy: Sure,what's your telephone number?Girl: I think the poorest people are the happiest.Boy: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.。
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一．A gentleman was invited for dinner.
When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig."
But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him.
He fake d a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."
一位先生去赴宴迟到了,匆忙入座后,发现自己的座位正对着乳猪,于是大为高兴的说：“还不错,我坐在乳猪的旁边.”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视,他忙陪笑改口到：“对不起,我说的是那只烤好的.”
二．
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师：这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀.谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出,但我知道答案.
老师：请说说看.
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子.
三．Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"Thats terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
总感到口渴
一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术,手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了.”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”
“不疼,可是我总感到口渴.”
四．TOMS EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow.
汤姆的借口
老师：汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着：学校----慢行.
五．
Father:Uh, oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
开车
父亲：哎呀,我刚才违规右转弯了.
苏西：没事,爸,跟在你后面的警察也这么转了.
六．
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother.“I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.”他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口.”伊凡说.
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问.
“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说,“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里.”。