bahai marriage Questionnair

Marriage Preparedness Questionnaire - First One four pages"Man should know his own self, and know those things which lead to loftiness or to baseness, to shame or to honour, to affluence or to poverty"Baha'u'llah, BWF p.167“Among them are trustworthiness, truthfulness, purity of heart while communing with God, forbearance, resignation to whatever the Almighty hath decreed, contentment with the things His Will hath provided, patience, nay, thankfulness in the midst of tribulation, and complete reliance, in all circumstances, upon Him. These rank, according to the estimate of God, among the highest and most laudable of all acts. All other acts are, and will ever remain secondary and subordinate unto them."Baha'u'llah GL, p. 290"Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized."'Abdu'l-Baha, BWF p.394Following are some areas that either are, or will become, important to you in married life. These questions are meant to help you crystallize your own ideas; then share them with your potential spouse. Through thinking and communicating about them before marriage you will have opened the door to better communication in your marriage. You will also pinpoint some potential problem areas in your marriage. Be as honest as possible with yourself and with your potential spouse. (Use the back of the page if you need it).1. When I think of a loving companion and comrade, this is what it means to me.2. When I think of my ideal marriage, this is what I see (may want to think of my role, careers of each, spouse, home life, play, etc.)3. When I think of my ideal family this is what I see (may want to include number of children, parents role, grandparent's role, education of each spouse, children, etc.)4. I think a (some) compelling reason(s) for divorce would be5. Why do I want to get married?6. How do I envision my life being different once I am married?7. How do I expect the marriage to benefit me?8. How do I expect the marriage to benefit my spouse?9. What is the most important quality that holds a marriage together? List several in order of importance to me.10. Where does the Faith figure in my life as far as priorities go?11. If my potential spouse is a Baha'i, where do I think it fits in to her/his life?12. What are my expectations for my spouse with my religious practices?13. If a Baha'i do I expect his/her to.∙attend feast.∙teach children's' classes.∙go pioneering?14. If not a Baha'i, do I expect him/her to go to holy days with me?15. If my potential spouse is not a Baha'i, am I aware of the teachings of his/her religious beliefs that will affect our family?16. What sort of marriage example do I think my parents have? Be specific.How has this influenced me in my choice of a spouse?17. In what ways is my potential spouse similar to my mother? How do I feel about these similarities?18. In what ways is my potential spouse similar to my father? How do I feel about these similarities?19. Also how is my potential spouse different from my mother and father? How do I feel about these differences?20. List some appropriate reasons to get married?21. List some inappropriate reasons to get married?22. What material possessions do I think are necessary to keep harmony in my marriage?23. What material possessions do I think are necessary to keep me happy in my marriage?24. What attracted me to my potential spouse? What qualities does my potential spouse possess that I don't, but would like to acquire?25. What are some things that irritate me about my potential spouse?26. What are some behaviours of my potential spouse, which I expect to change after our marriage?27. What behaviours of my own do I expect to change after my marriage? List five things you think your potential spouse would like you to change about yourself.28. In my free time when there are no plans, I like to do by myself.29. In my free time where there are no plans I would like to do with my spouse.30. How do I think family tasks should be divided in my marriage? (i.e. who will do the laundry, take out the trash, cook, get the car repaired, etc.) How will my potential spouse and I decide on the division of labor?31. Who should handle the family finances? Why?32. If I had extra money this is what I would do with it.33. If we had extra money this is what we should do with it?34. How do I envision the way we will when there is a conflict of opinions about the spending and saving of the money? Is the money his, hers or ours?35. What areas of my life (my marriage) are open for discussion with my spouse?36. What areas are not open for discussion?37. When I have a difference of opinion with another person (of family member)I usually.38. What is my idea of intimacy?39. What do I expect sexual relations will be like with my partner?40. When I think about sex what thoughts immediately come to mind?41. What do these thoughts suggest about my attitude toward sexuality in general?42. How does my attitude toward sexuality differ from the attitude of my potential spouse?43. Who will assume the responsibility of birth control?44. Do I think there is only one person who is ideally suited for me to marry?45. Following are some problems that a marriage may face. Rate them in order of how detrimental you consider them with the most detrimental one being #1.Dishonesty Stubbornness Lack of AffectionLack Of Communication Selfishness Lack of Physical ContactCultural Differences Racial Differences Religious DifferencesLack Of Respect Lack of Generosity UnfaithfulnessTemper Bad Attitude46. I am contemplating marriage with someone from a culture other than my own.What are some the cultural differences that we will have to face? How will we find solutions to them?47. What do I plan on doing when I am faced with a conflict of needs between my parents and my new family between my parents-in-law and my new family?48. As my parents grow older, how do I see my role? How do I see the role of my spouse?49. As my parents-in-law grow older, how do I see my role? How do I see the role of my spouse?50. What other question(s) do I think is important to ask before marriage?51. What resources do I/we have to draw on when deciding on a marriage partner and after the marriage?Some Recommended books for reference and research:Marriage, Fortress for Well BeingBaha'i compilation on investigating each other characters and marriageMarriage and Family Lifepublished in CanadaNational Spiritual Assembly of CanadaSexuality, Relationships and Spiritual GrowthBy Agnes Ghaznavi at the Bahai book storeKeeping the Love You FindGuide for SinglesBy Harville Hendrix, Phd. Keeping the Love You Have A Guide for CouplesBy Harville Hendrix, Phd. Together Forever(Dr. and Dr. Khavari)at bookstoreQUESTIONNAIRE - ten pages in total - Second questionnaireGenerally this isn't so much about "right answers" as about a process that willlead you to each very carefully reflect and record your views on a wide rangeof marriage-affecting issues, and then be able to have this as a basis fordiscussion with each other. In discussing these topics we hope to make youmore objectively and realistically aware of each other's point of view, as wellas to help you become more familiar with certain subjects which might causestrife or argument later on, and so it is not so important what your answer is,but how you will deal with answers that are different.A. General personality assessment1. What do you feel are the important qualities to look for in a personto indicate that they are mature enough and are spiritually preparedfor marriage?2. What areas do you consider your strengths and your weaknesses, in relation to preparation for marriage?3. Woman: How is your potential partner like your father and how does he differ? What are the implications for marriage?4. Man: How is your potential partner like your mother, and how does she differ? What are the implications for marriage?5. Woman: How are you like and unlike your own mother? How will this affect your marriage?6. Man: How are you like and unlike your own father? How will thisaffect your marriage?7. What do you like about the personality of the other?8. What do you find annoying? How will you deal with that? What do you wish were different? Do you anticipate that the annoying things will probably go away, or are you prepared for them staying the same throughout your marriage?9. What do you do with your spare time?10. How much solitude per day do you need to be spiritually in balance?Is there a particular time of day that you need this? What do you dowith that solitude? How will you feel if your spouse needs solitudeaway from you, and at what point would that seem excessive?11. How much time do you need with others of your own gender, and doing what kinds of activities? How do you expect this to change or be the same after marriage?12. How much do you watch TV? How many hours per day or week? Are thereany types of TV that would be hard for you to give up?13. What is the role of entertainment in your life? Do you needregular periods of play/entertainment?14. What kinds of entertainment do you enjoy? Do you prefer passive(such as TV) or active (such as participation in sports, outdoors activity, etc.) or what? Which kinds of entertainment do you find annoying or repulsive? What types of movies or TV programming would you avoid or ask to have not present in your home?15. How much do you care about the news? How do you get your news?16. How do you joke, tease, etc.? How does this work for the other?17. How quickly do you get over being upset with somebody? What isthe.process by which you do that? (solitude or communication). How doyou typically handle it when someone else is upset with you?18. When you are done eating, what do you typically do with your dishes?Do you leave them where you ate, leave them in the kitchen, how long before they typically get washed, etc? Do you typically leave things lying where you were done with them, or put them away right away?What do you do with your dirty clothes when you take them off? How does your laundry usually get done, and by whom?19. At what amount of communication with others would you consider this becoming immoderate or annoying to you? How would you deal with that? What do you think is appropriate for her to discuss with parents, siblings, female friends, male friends, and how much?21. Woman: If your potential partner enjoys a particular hobby eg. sports.How much of his time, and doing what, could he spend on this before you wouldfeel neglected or lonely?B. Gender and role issues1. What do you think are the differences between men and women? Not the obvious anatomical differences, but what do you think the gender differences are in things such asstrength/endurance, attitudes, emotional life, capabilities, assertiveness, intuition,instincts,sexuality, etc.2. What roles do you expect your partner to play, and what tasks do you expect him/her to do? These are some examples we thought of that have been known to cause conflict.Please add your own to the list. Some of these might imply gender bias. Some are just potentially touchy areas.Please be really honest about what you think should and would really happenin THIS marriage.∙fixing the car∙doing the laundry∙changing diapers∙bedtime responsibilities with children (tucking them in, reading to them, glasses of water, etc.)∙grocery shopping∙clothes shopping, for you, for them, for children∙making phone calls that are difficult or to strangers, such as∙plumber or repairman or creditor∙cooking meals∙doing the dishes∙cleaning toilets and bathrooms∙cleaning the kitchen floor∙cleaning the refrigerator∙picking up things that have been left lying around, in the living room. In the bedroom.∙vacuuming∙paying bills{~∙balancing checkbook∙driving, when you both are in the car∙earning money∙maintaining the social calendar3. Have you considered or discussed the possibility of temporary or fairly permanent reversal ofthe typical male/female role in parenting (which parent will support the family and which will stay home when the children are young?) What do you think should happen in this marriage?4. Should the woman have a job? A career? How does this interact with havingchildren, such as for how long should she put her career on hold during the raising of the children? Should the man put his career on hold and take care of the children for awhile, instead of the woman? For how long?5. Woman: How would you support your family if your partner became disabled and dependenton you?C. Financial issues1. What would you think (and believe possible) that your monthly budget should be for the following items: Please answer this for your first, 5th, and 20th year of marriage: ∙The Baha'i Funds∙Savings (long term retirement, medium term such as for down =payments∙on a house, short term such as for building up a margin for =safety or∙for purchases that don't fit in the normal budget)∙Housing∙Automobile payments∙Automobile expenses and insurance∙Other Debt service (loan payments)∙Utilities∙Telephone bill∙Groceries and sundries∙Doctors bills∙Health insurance∙Your clothing∙Children's clothing∙Children's toys∙Children's education∙Eating out and entertainment∙Travel to see family (and how often would you do this)∙Others: (please think of some) _____________________________Now add up totals for the budgets for each of those times...What do you think your income, and your spouses income, should be in each of those years?2. How much time should you take in deciding on financial commitments of various sizes, such asa house, a car, a stereo, a camera, clothing, CD's, or a book? Which of these things do you need to consult with your spouse about first, and which ones require their assent. How will you decide about expenditures and budgeting?3. If the man were to make a lot more money than the woman, would there be anysense that the man had any priority in deciding how the money was spent, any sense that to some degree more of the money was really "his" in some way? Each of you should say how you think it really would feel for you, as well as how it "ought" to be.4. How would you describe yourself relative to spending money on yourself, and on others: do you consider yourself miserly, frugal, generous, impulsive, wasteful, etc.? And does this depend on various factors, such as who is involved, categories of expenditures, etc.?5. How will you use credit? What is excessive debt? What are therequirements for avoiding excessive debt?6. If you have remaining education- how will you finance it?7. How uncomfortable or unhappy or scared would you be if you were very poor?In the US? In a pioneering post which is foreign to both of you? Elaborate.8. What is your financial status, what assets and debts do you bring to themarriage financially? What does your partner bring? (Do you know?)9. What kind of financial condition do you need to be in to enter intomarriage?10. What is your understanding of and expectations regarding the dowry laws inthe Aqdas? Are there traditions or laws about dowry in either of your12. Do you intend to pool all of your income, expenses, assets and debts, or are there some of these that you will keep separate and account for separately?Explain your ideas on this. What are the property ownership laws and rights in the either of your countries that affect marriage.13. How would you go about dealing with it if you felt that your spouse was either irresponsible with money, or too stingy with it? What if they didn't change in this matter?14. What is the appropriate balance between generosity and frugality, and between planning and spontaneity, in expending money?15. How would you deal with having too little money to do what you think you need to do to maintain a reasonable standard of living? When would you borrow, and when would you reduce your standard of living below comfort level, and how? (What would you sacrifice in what order?).16. What categories of assets and expenses would you feel should beexcluded when calculating the Huquq'u'llah?D. Food, meals, diet1. Who should usually cook dinner after both have had a long and tiring day (either with career or with taking care of the children?)2. How should dinners be prepared? Who will cook them? How fancy, how many courses?3. What times in the day do you like to eat your meals, and when =are themajor meals of the day?4. Are you vegetarian? If so why (moral grounds? aesthetic? Health?)Is your prospective partner? Are you or they considering a change in this?How strongly do you feel about this? Do they? Do you differ on this?How will you reconcile this, if you differ?5. What limits or concerns do you have when you choose food? How strict are you about these, and how does this fit in a marriage?6. How often would you expect to eat out? Cook at home? Bring home prepared (to-go) food?7. How good of a cook are you? Do you like to cook? How many dinners have you cooked this month, approximately? How did you eat the other evenings?E. Children and Parenting1. How many children do you want, minumum? Maximum?2. Do you have any gender preference for your children? If so, whichgender? Explain.3. At what point is spanking a child appropriate?4. How would you discipline a child who is frequently disrespectful of others?5. How would you discipline a 3 year old child when he yells at you or hits you in the face when you are verbally correcting his behavior, will not sit still on time out (gets off of the chair), and when you send him to his room for time out, screams and breaks things there?6. How will you educate your children? Public schools? Private schools? Baha'i schools only? Tutors?7. How many years apart do you want your children to be?8. What do you plan to do about birth control?9. How would you deal with infertility if one or the other of you were infertile? What role would adoption play in this case?10. Independently of the issue of fertility, would you be willing to, or even prefer/intend to, adopt children? How many? What gender? Is there a specific race that you would prefer or not prefer? Would anymembers of your extended family have race issues that would affect this? How would you deal with that? Would you adopt a handicapped child? An emotionally-traumatized child (e.g. one who had not been adopted while young, but been in foster homes for some years).Please explain each choice.11. At what age do you think that a child has a sense of what you are saying about him/her? Has feelings about what you say about them?12. What is the appropriate role of television in a child's development? What will be off limits?13. How do you feel about children wearing uniforms to school?14. Do the mother and the father have any role differences in training and disciplining the children?15. How do you handle the situation where you child asks to do something and you and your spouse disagree whether it is appropriate?16. How firmly would you insist on your childrena) receiving Baha'I education, andb) attending Baha'i activities, even if they wished not to do so, prior to age 15? After 15?17. What do children do at feast when they are 1? When they are 3? When they are 8? When they are 14?18. What years in a child's life do you think are the most critical for developing their core personality, self esteem, and emotional security? What do you need to do during this period?19. When would/should you apologize to your child?20. At about what ages do you think a child is ready to make their own decisions about:∙Their own bedtime∙Getting food for themselves from the refrigerator.∙Going outside by themselves∙How far they can go from home on their own (this is usually a sense∙of how far they can go that gets larger as they grow up. What do∙you think is appropriate distances/limits at some various ages?)∙The cut/length of their own hair.∙Piercing their ears or nose?21. Does either partner smoke? If so, will he smoke in the house? In front of the children? In the car? Has he ever quit? Would he commit to quitting?Do you consider this an important issue? Explain.22. What are your thoughts about the health care for your infant children during pioneering?What do you consider the pros and cons of pioneering with children (infants, teenagers)?23. Will you permit your children to date, with or without =chaperones, and at what ages? Does this differ for daughters and sons? Please explain and elaborate.F. Extended family, friends1. What kind of relationships do you plan to have with extended family members on both sides? (Be specific about your specific family members) What are your expectations about the role of the particular members of your extended family in your marriage? What do they have the right to advise you on? When will you turn to them, together or separately, for advice or comfort? How obligated would you feel to obey their wishes?2. Who in your family are Bahais? If they are- strong are your family members as Baha'is? Especially your Mother, your Father, and any step parents that are important to you?3. What do you know about the parents and family of your future spouse? What do you anticipate in relating to them?4. Under what conditions would you be willing to live in their home? Near them? In your own parents home? Near them?5. How well should you know your in-laws before marriage? How much does this influence your decision?6. With whom is it ok to talk about your marriage, your finances, your feelings, and to what extent, amongst your family and friends? What do you expect of your spouse in this matter?G. Protection of the marriage, Baha'i law, Sexuality, Fidelity1. What kinds of effort, beliefs, attitudes, actions, etc. are needed to make a marriage work? What things are most important? What things are most destructive?2. Do you think that there might be situations where you feel you have to choose between something best for the marriage and something best for the Baha'i Faith? What could you imagine in this scenario, and how would you deal with it? How can you minimize this sort of dilemma?3. What is the role of sex in a marriage? What would be the impact on your marriage if you had some serious sexual incompatibility or dysfunction? How big of an issue do you think this would be, how hard to overcome?4. We presume you intend to avoid divorce, rather than following in the footsteps of your parents' generation. What, specifically, do you think you can do to accomplish this?5. How will you relate to other men and women outside of marriage?6. What portion and types of emotional support and friendship do you expect your spouse to provide? What portion and types of emotional support and friendship to you expect others to provide?7. How will you adapt if you and your spouse feel differently about that issue? What if your spouse asks you to limit or end certain relationships? With old or new friends? With extended family members? What if you feel that their reason for asking you to do so is unfair or irrational or unimportant?8. Under what conditions do you consider it ok to spend time with an adult of the opposite sex? Would it be appropriate to go to another person's house of the opposite gender if it were only the two of you there? Drive together in a car? Be in a closed room together? How strictly will you abide by your guidelines? How serious do you consider this issue to be?9. How would you handle feelings of love that could develop with someone other than your spouse? Do you think that you could ever find yourself feeling strong attraction or love for someone besides your spouse? What do you think is the right way to handle that?10. If, God forbid, there was infidelity in your relationship, what should you do? If your spouse was unfaithful, would you want to know? If you were unfaithful, would you want to tell? Do you think it would be the end of the relationship? Why or why not?11. How well informed are you about the other's previous relationships?12. How do you feel that any serious transgressions of Baha'i law in thepast by you might affect your marriage? Do you feel shame or guilt?How will this affect your marriage and how will you deal with it? Do you feel that there are some things that you would keep secret? How will this affect the marriage?13. How do you feel that any serious transgressions of Baha'i law in the past by your spouse might affect your marriage? Would you want them to keep certain things secret? How would/do you feel about it? Would you carry some resentment or mistrust? How would you deal with their sense of shame or guilt?14. Have you been tested for the HIV virus? Do you think you should be? If not, why not? Have you ever received a blood transfusion?15. What would you do if your spouse became substance addicted, to tobacco, alcohol, prescription drugs, or illegal drugs? Try to map out the steps you would take. When would this be grounds for divorce?16. What would you do if your spouse became physically abusive?17. What would you do if your spouse threatened your life, or you at least believed that they werea genuine danger to you?18. How well do you understand the reasons that your parents have gone through divorces? How might those outcomes have been avoided if it were you?19. What do you understand the grounds for Baha'i divorce to be?20. How do you keep from ever getting to that point? (Try to be as specific as possible).21. What are the statistics for failure amongst marriages that begin in Haifa? We have heard that they are not very good. Why would this be, what would be the factors contributing to this? (Try to do some research on this) How will you overcome these factors, if this is so?H. Education and Career1. What do you believe is the importance of having a well-developed long-term career? How about for your spouse?2. What are your plans for a career? How attached are you to these plans? What are your career alternatives?3. What do you think your spouse's career plans should be?4. What are your plans for further education? Your spouse's? How important is it for Faizi to finish his Master's degree? How soon? Where? How about Stephanie's Bachelor's degree? Or an advanced degree? What types of sacrifices are you willing to make, or think it appropriate to make, for yourself or for your spouse, to finish your education?5. Who should complete their education first? What should the other one of you be doing at that time?6. Should you finish your education and have a career started before marrying? What are the pros and cons?7. What, in your mind, would constitute a proper balance for amount of time you spend at work? What would constitute excessive work orientation? What would demonstrate an insufficient attitude about work? Please answer these questions both for yourself and for your expectations for your spouse?。