搞笑

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn‘t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。

后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。

于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not s creaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊！3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level a nd beat you with experience.你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it‘s still on the list. 直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。

意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don‘t have a good partn er, you‘d better have a good hand.XXOO就象打桥牌。

如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。

9、Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, b ut yo u can‘t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.有些人就像Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去还是很有喜感。

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏了！！11、War does not determine who is right –only who is left.战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a wh ole relationship.a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。

但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him wit hout an erection, make him a sandwich.男人就两种状态：饿和性饥渴。

要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appea r bright until you hear them speak.光总是比声音跑的快点….这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B…16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

18、If you think nobody cares if you‘re alive, try missing a couple of payments.你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ―Yes‖ is the answer. XXOO并不是结论而是个问题…爽不爽才是答案…20、Evening news is where they begin with ‗Good evening‘, and the n proceed to tell you why it isn‘t.晚间新闻总是以―晚上好‖开头，再告诉你你为什么好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it take s a whole box to start a campfire?直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean t hat one enjoys it?如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。

意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。

意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你这终还是男女有别~24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxat ive on the same night.无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。

26、I didn‘t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a veg etarian老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a t rain stops. On my desk, I have a work station..公车站呀公车停。

火车站呀火车停。

俺桌上有个工作站…28、If I agreed with you we‘d both be wrong.要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。

29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few we eks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。

30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ―Guess‖ on it…so I said ―Implants?‖瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着―Guess‖…俺就问了一句：―…隆过？‖32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching the m to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。

然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four bi llion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的―油漆未干‖？34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。

b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。

c. 剽悍的人生不需要解释d. 宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口解释所有疑。

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove t hat you don‘t need it.银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。