英文幽默笑话

1.猫和老鼠——Mrs Brown went tovisit one of her friend andcarried a small box withholes punched in the top.——" What's in yourbox?" asked the friend.——"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."——"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.——"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。

“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。

“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。

这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。

”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。

”朋友说。

“小猫也是假想的。

”布朗夫人小声说道。

2.Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸A guy I know wastowing his boat homefrom a fishing trip to LakeHuron when his car brokedown. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able toraise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。

路上车坏了。

他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。

于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。

一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。

“I-75号公路，Standish 的南面两英里”。

沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？”3.The Mean Man's Party吝啬鬼的聚会The notorious cheapskate finally decided tohave a party. Explaining toa friend how to find hisapartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floorand ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.""Why use my elbow and foot?""Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。

他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。

门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。

”“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”4.Talking clock 会说话的钟——While proudly showing offhis new apartment to friends, acollege student led the way intothe den. "What is the bigbrass gong and hammer for?"one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" ——"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed fromthe other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。

“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。

“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。

“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。

“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。

突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”5.那就更糟了Much Worse----Policeman: Whydidn't you shout forhelp when you wererobbed of your watch?----Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。

那就更糟了。

6.需要推一下吗Need a push?——A man is in bed asleepwith his wife when there isa rat- a-tat-tat on the door.——He rolls over and looksat his clock, and it's halfpast three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. ——Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.——So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.——He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.——"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"——"No, get lost(走开!), it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. ——He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the wayto pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"——"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. ——"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him."——So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."——So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"——And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing(秋千)."7.I know who God is !A boy says to her mother, "Mom,is God a man or woman?"The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, God is both man and woman."The son is confused, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"The mother replies, "God is both black and white, honey."The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is God gay or straight, mommy?"The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, God is both gay andstraight.The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally hasanswered his question: "Is God Michael Jackson?"儿子：妈妈，上帝是白人还是黑人？妈妈：宝贝，上帝是白人也是黑人！儿子：那上帝是男人还是女人？妈妈：宝贝，上帝是男人也是女人！儿子：哦。