What is Love

What is LoveThere have been a million poems, cards, songs and notes written with the attempt at answering this question. The reason is because there really is no clear answer to what love is. Love is kind of like life; it is what you make it. Our definition of love can change hundreds of times depending on the place where we are. When we are in dating mode, hunting for that right special someone we usually have no idea what love is. We may think we feel it, think we have it and think we can describe it, but sadly we always fall short. Love is something that comes from inside of us first and then extends to the things or people around us. If we don‟t start at the beginning, we never make it to the end.I think the reason that dating is so important is because it enables us to transform our meaning of love. When we first start dating, love can be great, wild sex with someone who makes us happy and is fun to be around. Eventually we transition out of that mode seeking the next level of love. Then you find someone who understands you and is respecting and supportive of the person you are. Sex went from great to tender and then suddenly the next growth spurt hits and you are again seeking something else. This time you are looking for great sex and the tender emotional support from a partner. Once you find the person who delivers that - you begin to redefine your meaning of love again realizing that there is still something missing. Perhaps you aren‟t all excited and jittery, not having as much fun as you expected to while in love. The next thing down the line tries to combine the best feelings you have felt from all the people you have dated into one. You may move in with some one begin crating a life together and notice that the responsibilities of life seem to get in the way of the relationship and make it hard. We begin to notice how others deal with problems and leave with even more ammunition to redefine what love is. It is a never ending cycle, and as we learn about love through the people or things that we love there will always be more to add and more to gain from love. By the same toke, there can be more to lose. Dating is so difficult because we have expectations of what love is that love could never really live up to. Once we figure out that love is an evolutionary event that constantly will change as we grow we may begin to notice that love with someone else is more a matter of compatibility. If it wasn‟t we would probably marry the person who could cause us to orgasm the most. But love based on sex is as pointless as sex based onlove.When I think back to the people I have dated I can say for sure that in some way and by some measure I loved them all. Largely that was in part to the fact that my definition of love was at a certain spot. I dated the man I married for 5 years and rode the evolutionary road of love long enough to know that what got us through was our compatibility. Even now we agree on little, yet come together for most. We have good sex sometimes and great sex rarely. We have unreasonable expectations of one another yet seem to step up to the middle ground where we can both be comfortable. We have respect most of the time yet show disrespect (out of respect) under our breath. We fight rarely - regardless of circumstance, laugh much too often by some peoples standards and gladly pull belly button fuzz out of each others navels. Do I love him? Absolutely I do, yet I still love all the other people I dated. I still learned something about my definition of love from all those others and have brought them to a person who has done the same. Do I think about old lovers? Absolutely, at least once a week!I miss certain things about every man I have ever been with sexually or otherwise because they helped me to define what love is to me. And whether any person admits it or not they too think about the loves in their past because they were largely responsible for bringing us to the person we are now with.What is Love, then? Love is the culmination of our feelings. Love is about setting standards and setting limits based on what your internal network tells you. Love is about finding someone who doesn‟t make you happy but adds to your already well established happiness. Love is finding some one who can make love to you for 3 hours or 3 minutes and it feels good either way. Love is about laughing at life, laughing at each other and laughing period. Love is about finding a person that when your definition of love changes will be able to still fit and about loving someone enough to alter your definition when they occasionally step out of bounds.Someone told me recently that they had a 3 system for determining love. They wouldn‟t sleep with someone more that 3 times or date for more than 3 months unless they were sure. At first I thought that this was a shallow approach to dating. In hindsight I see though that really this is a great idea. We know how we feel around and about someone and there is no point in “trying to work things out or make them work” when it comes to love, especially while dating. They either do orthey don‟t and depending on where we are in our definition building there is no sense in prolonging things to save face. Dating is the best way to develop our own definition of love and allows us the greatest opportunity to figure out, decide and search for qualities and significance in others that adds to our own personal meanings of love. There is no standard set for what love is and someone who marries for money or dates for sex is entitled to their definition and to fulfilling their love how they see fit. There should be no guilt or shame associated with who we love or how we love. Marriage is not the ultimate goal of love nor is it the concrete measure of whom or what we love most. Marriage is simply a mixture of compatibility and compromise.What is love? No one really knows for sure and no one will ever be able to put their finger on it. Love is something that if we are searching for it – will never be found because it doesn‟t exist outside of ourselves. Love exists in our mind. Love exists in our bodies. Love exists in our faith and gratitude. Love exists in our partners (all of them) and our friends. Love exists in our families and in the material things we surround ourselves with. Love is the one emotion that drives us toward our future and drives us crazy. More emphasis should be placed on loving who we are with, when we are with them rather than trying to seek out or find someone who can be all things. From the moment of our birth to the last breath we take we are constantly adding to, evolving and defining what love is to us and every moment in life should be used for that purpose. By living a life of loving wholly we will be rewarded with one that wholly loves us.A Divorce Changes EverythingRegardless of your prenuptial agreement, were you smart enough to make one – divorce changes everything in your life. The aftermath is something that can last for years, decades even and very few consider the casualties of divorce beyond that of their spouse. Often, the longer the marriage the more painful the unexpected side effects of divorce can be. Obviously, if a couple has children – divorce changes the entire idea of parenting. No matter what sort of custody arrangement that you make, it means sharing the kids and trying to work out the intricacies of parenting on your own. For the children, the divorce can bring about an entirely new geography as well as the need for resiliency and adaptation. Mom and dad‟s home will be vastly different from the home that they now know. Money, too changes withdivorce. No matter if you are a two or one income household; the financial ramifications of divorce send many flailing into bankruptcy. Suddenly, there are two electrical bills where there used to be just one and groceries needed in two places – doubling the need. If one parent was not working before the divorce, chances are they will have to now, which creates a new and different life for the children and for your financial picture.Financial lending, credit cards, and even your insurance company will suddenly see you in a different light, classifying you as something risky and unstable –all because of a divorce. The PTA, the recreation center where you coach, may not see you as such a desirable interest. Inevitably, everything changes with divorce. The way you are perceived by the outside world is definitely one of those things. These things are all expected. In fact, millions of people put of divorce or settle for less than a blissful marriage for years because they do not want to deal with the changes to their lifestyle or family. One of the number one reasons that people stay in an unhappy marriage is because of the kids. And money doesn‟t hurt either. There are plenty of people who although unhappy, just cannot afford to divorce their spouse.Some things however are not so expected. You assume that your life is your life when you are married and that the people that mean a lot to you, will always be there in your life. Then, you get divorced and you realize that blood really is thicker than water. Suddenly the annual summer vacation with the in-laws, the Christmas shopping with your sister in law and the golf trip with your brother in law are off limits for you. If you have been married a long time, there is a pretty good chance that divorce changes everything about how these people, once your family, will now treat you. They immediately feel that they have to choose sides and that siding with you, no matter how much they love you, feels like a betrayal to their own family member.Consider how Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthday arrangements will be made. It just doesn‟t make sense for people on the in-law side of you family to invite you and their own flesh and blood. And whom should they be more loyal to? Most, will choose their blood relative. Likewise, how your family treats your ex after the divorce can have an impact on your relationship with them. Seeing your ex husband and father on a fishing excursion when you think your ex is thedevil in disguise, will not do much for creating warm feelings for your dad.Rituals, traditions, and other things that have been part of your life since you became married will have to be given up, much to the tune of divine chocolate. New traditions will have to replace these old ones, even with friends.Your friends, his friends, or her friends – they too will change. Now that you are single, you may not fit into the neighborhood Poker tournament every Saturday night. You may be hard pressed to find your old married friends willing to escort you on evenings out that now pass the time for you. You will also find that some of your friends will also choose sides in the divorce. If you became great friends with your husband‟s best friend‟s wife –she too may now be off limits. And these things hurt. Truth be told, a lot of the people that you counted on for assistance and support throughout your life, who you have invested hard-core time and love in developing relationships with and who seem to make your life feel whole, may no longer be available. You might be forced to sit on the outskirts, hearing the updates and stories about your old friends through the experiences of your children. And this can hurt for a long time to come. It is essentially like starting over –with a whole lot of baggage and hurt feelings to carry around with you.It is no wonder that so many people put off divorce and resist thinking about it out of convenience. Everything does change with divorce. There isn‟t a relationship or an aspect of your life th at won‟t experience some sort of long-term transition. This doesn‟t mean that all of the changes are necessarily negative; just that they exist. Even in the unhappiest of marriages, there are many parts of your life that came to into being because you decided to get married. If it was as easy as saying, “see you later,” with no real long lasting or infectious losses to come in the years ahead, even more people would be filing for divorce than there already is. Being prepared for the obvious changes in your life is easy, but the ones that you didn‟t expect can truly hurt the most.Staying Together Until the Children Leave HomeYour parents may have done it. Your grandparents did for sure because divorce was not an option in their day and you may shift between times of unhappiness and balance in your own marriage deciding that you have to stick it out until the kids grow up. In fact, staying together until the children leavehome is more common than you think and best estimates report that as many as half as all marriage (if not higher) are unhappy unions that are glued together by the fruit of each other‟s loins. So, in misery and probably not always in silence –you stay and drudge away the days together sort of in count down mode. Just a few more years, right?Let‟s get the lecture out of the way right from the beginning. Marriage takes work and it takes a lot more work than you may have ever imagined. Kids never make things better –in fact, they had to the complexity of your relationship by bringing back to your own childhood and allowing all those ugly little secrets of raising, upbringing and schools of thought to surface in your marriage. Add that together with a few screaming kids, bills to pay and a humdrum routine of getting by, lack of sex and aging and you have some miserable people. Not all the time of course. But the truth is that when you marry young (in your 20‟s) you are literally giving up the freest time of your life. You look and feel better than at any other time, you are finally unbound by rules from the parentals and you can pretty much go and do as you please. Then you get married, and you are right back where you started. Worse, now you are being told, asked, or expected to do things for your spouse or children at your own expense. Eventually, you are resentful, angry and feeling a tad annoyed that your spouse is ever present and on your nerves. But you stay! Even if the problems are good, parents always think that staying together for the kids is the best possible solution to a familial problem.The real question is this, is staying together for the kids really worth it? If you are in a marriage that is abusive in any way, that makes you completely miserable, that doesn‟t allow you to draw any kind of joy – is it worth giving away these youthful years of your life. The next thing to consider is that unhappy couples make miserable parents. If you feel stuck in a marriage because of the kids, your little pieces of resentment and frustration will no doubt show. You probably snap, say th ings you shouldn‟t and allow little things to feel like big things. If you think that the kids can‟t tell –they can. At some point, they will have had enough and you will be cheating them of the kind of parent you could have been should you have chosen happiness.There is always a preconceived notion of doing what is right over what is wanted. We are taught at an early age that sacrifice and doing for others is what will make us happy andallow us to blossom into a good person. However, to live a lie – and to feel disgruntled because we know at the depths of ourselves that we are not living out potential is a very sad and lonely way to live. In order to love, you have to love yourself first. In order to be happy, you have to be happy with your own life. In order to spread your happiness to your children –you have to take care of you. Even more important is the lesson that you are still an important person and that you must make yourself a priority. There is nothing saint like in giving everything to your children and saving nothing for you. There is also no good lesson in it. Would you want your own children to follow your example and do the same? Staying together for the kids while common hurts the entire family unit. Many parents are just plain afraid to go for the divorce. They allow the marriage to get to a point where they are too tired to work on it anymore and are stuck in complacency. They may use the excuse that they are staying together for the children, but the truth is they are staying together because it is easier. It is easier to stay than to travel through uncharted territories where the future may be unclear. It is easier to stay than put you or your kids through alternating weekends and the transition from being one family to two. It is easier to stay than to tackle the problems. The other way to think about this dismal picture, is to realize that you always have two choices in life. You can stay because of the kids – or you can try in earnest to make the marriage better. You can try to rekindle your feelings of love, wipe the slate clean, and accept the marriage and your partner for what they are. This doesn‟t mean excusing them, but instead realizing that a lot of years have gone by where many changes have occurred and you and your spouse j ust weren‟t ready. You may be surprised to know that your partner is feeling the same way. If you work in a positive direction (if there is still desire to do so) then you may be able to bring your family back together.If you feel like you are staying together for the kids –then take a step back for just a minute and see what you have left to work with. If you could piece together the marriage and try to make things happier between you and your partner, gain some personal happiness as well – you may find that you will do the kids a bigger favor than you think. If the differences and feelings are just too irreconcilable, then understand that you are only hurting yourself, your children, and your relationships with both by staying. There are other options.Effects of Divorce on ChildrenWith the rise in the trend of marriages becoming a …less than permanent‟ situation; it seems that the true victims are often children. Each year there are thousands of children who become products of divorce and are forced to learn a new way of life that often is full of disconnect, turmoil, insecurity and worry. Divorce is often one of those necessary evils; needed in order to save the emotional life of one or two people and allow the path to happiness and personal unfolding to continue; but there is ALWAYS a consequence!The effects of divorce on children vary greatly. They largely depend on how well equipped the parents are to introduce and move through the transitional phase of becoming a different kind of family. When parents handle the situation in private protecting each other and the children from negative bantering and comments and save the tumultuous feelings for friends or for times when the children aren‟t around- children can transition very well! When parents argue, fight, bicker and wage war on each other; the life of a child is changed forever. Children should never NEVER be forced to pick and choose sides between their parents or have to decide or admit that they love one parent over the other. Chances are, no matter how bad a spouse someone is - they are loved by their child. Consider this – it is the right of each and every child to love their mom and dad with wild abandon; regardless of their faults (which they will realize in time) and to the fullest extent of their capability. Every child should have the chance and opportunity to see their parents individually as magical beings with super hero qualities that they can count on for the rest of their life. Even if mom realizes that dad‟s drinking habit will eventually let down or disappoint their child; it is NOT her job to save her child from pain that may or may not come to fruition over time. Unless a parent is dangerous, detrimental or harming no one has any business interfering in the relationship their child has with their other parent! Taking this magical part of childhood away from a kid is down right mean, selfish and incomprehensible. Perhaps the marriage was competitive; but the child is NEVER the prize! There are tons of reports that will quickly point out the detrimental effects that divorce has on a child; all of which are bleak. They recommend counseling and intervention and clearly indicate that changes in behavior, grades, friends and attitude are expected. But suppose that none of that has to happen? Could it be that parents could divorce and leavethe children unscathed? Absolutely! If parents handle the divorce as something simply between them and make every effort to allow the child to witness that their life will continue just as it did before things can actually get better. This is especially true if the divorce is following a period of unsettledness or fighting. Arguing in front of the kids can cause more insecurity and worry than a divorce does. Once the divorce is realized, children could actually learn to relax, feel safe in their environment and upon realizing that they still have two parents, a home, friends and school- they may actually be better than before. Many children interviewed after divorce report feeling like a weight was removed from them. Eventually, if the parents are happier; the children will be happier. There is nothing more influential on a child than a happy go lucky and positive parent! Remove the bad relationship and mom or dad may begin to live again in every sense of the word.If you are thinking about getting a divorce but are waiting until the children are older or hesitate because you are worried about the effects of divorce on your children; don‟t! Here‟s why! Children model many of their life relationship from what they learn at home during these developmental years. If they see parents who are constantly passive aggressive, show no emotion or respect for each other, have little in common, who don‟t work out their problems successfully or who can‟t talk to one another in a mature way; they will never learn this stuff themselves. They will grow up behaving in their relationships they way YOU behaved in yours. Children should witness adults in a loving, sometimes disagreeable yet safe relationship that is punctuated with respect. They should see hand holding and they should see mom and dad putting each other first. Not allowing this takes away many chances at happiness in their own adult life.So many people stay together for the children. In reality they are staying together for fear. Fear of change, fear of being happy, fear of making the best of things and fear of being considered a failure. Marriage should be worked on and much effort should be put into keeping a family together. But if it can‟t or just wont work;a family can still be kept together. Divorce is often the first thing that teaches a child that “they cant count on anything” or “that nothing is safe” and children will grieve much like they do with a death. Sometimes loudly, other times silently and even more often slowly! If you are unhappy with a heavy heart that feels lack of loveor being loved; you owe it to your child to show them that there is another better way to live and still be a family. The effects of divorce on a child are often less than the effects of a bad marriage and although the road may be slow and go for a while; it is easy to pick back up the pace and make the children feel good about things. It all depends on how adult the adults involved are willing to act. Divorce is not a time for role reversal where the child parents the parent- in fact it is a time where the parent must must must be the leader! This way children can follow their parents to a happier, more fulfilled and stable life filled with joy and the love of two parents. If this remains possible; children will handleeverything just fine.The NotebookTitanicDirty DancingGone with The WindPretty Woman,CasablancaWhen Harry met Sally,Mrs. Doubtfire.Father of the Bridea Message in a Bottle, Maid in Manhattan, Dying Young, Romancing the Stone, Sleeping with the Enemy, You‟ve got Mail, and of course Ghost can have on making two people feel the love!。