美国脱口秀主持Ellen的爆笑演讲英文原版

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英语大师搞笑演讲稿

英语大师搞笑演讲稿Ladies and gentlemen, good evening! It's a great honor for me to stand here and share some funny stories with all of you. As we all know, English is a fascinating language, and today, I want to bring some laughter to your day by sharing some humorous anecdotes related to English.First of all, let me start with a classic English joke. There was a man who was learning English and he wanted to impress his friend, so he said, "I am a big fan of the band 'The Police'." His friend replied, "Oh really? So you like the police? Well, I hope you don't like them too much, or you might end up in jail!" This joke perfectly captures the confusion that can arise from the multiple meanings of English words.Moving on, let's talk about some funny English language quirks. For example, have you ever noticed how the word "abbreviate" is such a long word? Or how about the fact that "phonetically" isn't spelled the way it sounds? These little oddities of the English language never fail to bring a smile to our faces.Now, let's delve into the world of English puns. One of my favorite puns goes like this: "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." Puns like these play with the multiple meanings of words and create a delightful sense of wordplay that is unique to the English language.In addition to puns, English is also known for its tongue twisters. Who can forget the classic "She sells seashells by the seashore"? Trying to say this quickly is a surefire wayto get some laughs, especially when your tongue gets all twisted up!Finally, let's not forget about the humorous side of English idioms. For instance, have you ever wondered why we say "it's raining cats and dogs" when it's pouring outside? Or why someone would be "on cloud nine" when they're really happy? These quirky expressions add a touch of whimsy to the English language.In conclusion, English is not only a rich and complex language, but it also has a playful and humorous side. From jokes and puns to tongue twisters and idioms, there's noshortage of funny moments to be found in the world of English. I hope that these lighthearted anecdotes have brought a smile to your face and reminded you of the joy of language. Thank you for listening and may your day be filled with laughter and good cheer!。

Was that okay？——脱口秀女王奥普拉的哈佛毕业典礼演讲稿

Was that okay？——脱口秀女王奥普拉的哈佛毕业典礼演讲稿was that okay?——脱口秀女王奥普拉的哈佛毕业典礼演讲稿再大的失败总会翻页“奥普拉秀”在同一时间段的电视节目中连续21年排名第一，我必须说我对于这个成功非常的满足。

但是几年前，我觉得，在人生的某一时刻，你必须重新来过，找到新的领域，实现新的突破。

所以我离开了奥普拉秀，以我的名字命名推出了我自己的电视网络“奥普拉•温福瑞电视网”，缩写正好是“own(自己的)”。

在奥普拉•温福瑞电视网推出一年后，几乎所有的媒体都认为我的新项目是失败的。

他们称之为一个“大写的失败”。

我还记得有一天我打开《今日美国报》时看到头条说“奥普拉搞不定‘自己的’电视网”……这正是去年我职业生涯最低谷的时刻。

说实话，我压力大到近乎崩溃，感到羞愧。

就在那个时候，faust校长打电话邀请我到哈佛做毕业演讲。

我心想：“让我给哈佛的毕业生演讲?我能跟这些世界上最成功的毕业生说什么?我已经不再成功了啊。

”挂了校长的电话后我去洗了个澡。

那个澡，我洗了很长时间，洗澡时我突然想到一首古老赞美诗中的话：“终于，清晨来临”，之后我就想，我的黎明也许要来了。

我又想到那首赞美诗中的另一句话：“困难只是暂时的，都会过去...”当我走出浴室时，我想：我遇到的麻烦，同样会有结束的一天，我会把这一页翻过去，会好起来的。

等我做到了，我就去哈佛，把这个真实的故事告诉大家!今天我来了，并且想告诉你们，我已经把own带上正轨了。

像这样可以吗?我不得不坦言，在我25年的访谈历程中，我所学到的最重要的，我们的人生有一个共同的公分母。

我可以告诉你的是，我们中的大多数人并不愿意被分割。

我在每次访谈中发现我们的“公分母”、我们想要的，就是——我们想要被证实、被认可。

我们渴望被理解。

我的职业生涯中进行了大约35000个访谈，每每关闭摄像机后，几乎所有人都不可避免地转向我，用他们各自的方式，询问着同一个问题：像这样可以吗?布什总统这样问，奥巴马总统也这样问，我在英雄口中听到过这个疑问，同样也在家庭主妇口中听过这句话。

脱口秀女王Ellen杜兰大学演讲稿(中英对照)

Ellen杜兰大学演讲Thank you,President Cowan,Mrs.President Cowen;distinguished guests, undistinguished guests-you know who you are,honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.考译文：谢谢，谢谢考恩校长，和有头有脸的来宾们，呃，有头有脸的来宾，你知道你是谁，不用介绍了，诚心感谢大家……以及讨厌的西班牙语老师。

And thank you to all the graduating class of2009,I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday,but you can't graduate'til I finish,so listen up.感谢所有2009届的毕业生，我知道你们绝大多数人还因为宿醉头痛欲裂，狂欢到今天都还没睡，但是没听完我的演讲不能毕业，所以都听好了！（学生们欢呼）When I was asked to make the commencement speech,I immediately said yes.Then I went to look up what commencement meant.Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary,but most of the books in our house are Portia's,and they're all written in Australian.So I had to break the word down myself,to find out the mencement: common,and mon cement.You commonly see cement on sidewalks.Sidewalks have cracks,and if you step on a crack,you break your mother's back.So there's that.But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.当我被问是否来参加毕业典礼演讲的时候，我立刻就回答了：yes！……然后我才去查“毕业典礼”是什么意思（众人笑）。

ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿92567

ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿为大家整理美国着名脱口秀主持人艾伦在杜兰大学的精彩演讲，杜兰大学是成立于1894年美国南部的一所着名的综合性大学，下面是小编整理的ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿英文Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 20XX, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and havent slept since Fat Tuesday, but you cant graduate til I finish, so listen up.When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portias, and theyre all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mothers back. So theres that. But Im honored that youve asked me here to speak at your common cement.I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school. And I didnt go to college here, and I dont know if President Cowan knows, I didnt go to any college at all. Any college. And Im not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, Im a huge celebrity.Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at ( 估计是某家商店的名字) and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today Clearly not to steal, youre too far away and Id never get away with it.Im here because of you. Because I cant think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when youre wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means youve given up. Im here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here,I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didnt know what I wanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought Id just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didnt really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what Im saying is, when youre older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down ParentsAnyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didnt know it was her and I keptgoing, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here I dont understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldnt it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadnt even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, Im gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson- at the time he was the king - and Im gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down. And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thoughtif people found out they wouldnt like me, they wouldnt laugh at me.Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out Im gay, then theyll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldnt live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasnt to make a political statement, it wasnt to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, Whats the worst that could happen I can lose my career. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didnt ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didnt, because of what I did. And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasnt just about me and it wasnt about celebrity, but I felt like I was beingpunished... it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didnt want to pick it up. Most people didnt want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldnt change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, thats whats gotten me to this place. I dont live in fear, Im free, I have no secrets. and I know Ill always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was boobies, by the way Its not, its groupiesBut my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, youll realise the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in yourlife is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure. to try to be something that youre not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone elses path, unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. Dont give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Dont take anyones advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but theres no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. Its gonna be great. Youve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, Is it above sea level . So to conclude my conclusion that Ive previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what Im trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what theysee, youll have more beads than you know what to do with. And youll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 20XX, I say congratulations and if you dont remember a thing I said today, remember this: youre gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.ellen杜兰大学毕业演讲稿中文谢谢，谢谢考恩校长，和有头有脸的来宾们，呃，有头有脸的来宾，你知道你是谁，不用介绍了，诚心感谢大家&bd&bd以及讨厌的西班牙语老师。

美国排名第一的脱口秀Allen Show 25期：暮光之城大战复仇者联盟

美国排名第一的脱口秀Allen Show 25期：暮光之城大战复仇者联盟25th Allen Show-Twilight Slash AvengersSo now there are rumors and this is done,right?我听说暮光之城破晓已经拍完了哈They keep saying that there's now gonna be more of at least another one.他们说还会有更多的续集出现或者另外一集（备注：主持人“套话动作一”）But that's not true,is that true?但这只是谣言真的吗It's amazing,when they're all talking about another one before this one not even come out.大奇怪了现在这部还没拍出来呢他们就在说另一部了I'm not finish yet. right,yeah.And there is no more book.我还没拍完这个呐亲是啊而且作者也不再写续集了Right,but you could kind of make up something after that,不过在破晓之后你可以再编点什么it doesn't have to be a book if it makes money and people love you不一定非得有小说原著如果电影续集能大卖大家有喜欢你们why wouldn't you make another one?Would you make another one?为什么不在拍一部呢你们会拍下一部吗（备注：主持人“套话动作二”，主持人一直在勾引他们说出暮光之城续集的信息，在套话，呵呵，可惜啊，没成功啊，娱乐圈也是不好混啊，说话也要严谨不能“剧透”，哇哈哈）If there was an alien invasion and stuff.I was sort of thinking one day that they kind of...they sort of mixed up with the Avengers or maybe just make it like Twilight slash Avengers.如果续集有外来物种入侵什么的我想也许可以这么拍某天外来物种入侵他们与复仇联盟的英雄们混在一起或者电影就叫暮光之城与复仇者联盟（备注：瞧，开始转移话题了，呵呵，）That's actually a good idea.这可是个好点子I was also thinking another way of doing it is that make it look like Will grace,where Edward turns gay.我还想了另一个版本就跟Willgrace差不多不过Eward 变弯了（备注：开始反击主持人Allen了，Allen is a lesibian，you know,主持人已经出柜了嗯，说话技巧果然很重要，这下主持人“引火烧身”，肯定不再追问了，下次咱们学着点哦，呵呵，）But they still stay together.And they raise the kid and everything.但是他们还是在一起了他们共同抚养孩子一起做所有的事情So you got some ideas,ha?I'm writing some of these stuff down.你已经有点想法了哈我要把这点子记下来Maybe just combine that alien invasion.也许可以和外来物种入侵那段结合起来That's right.Get my agent on the phone.太对了快给我的经纪人打电话小词汇：Kind of 可以说Example：You could kind of make up something after that. Sort of 可以说Example：I was sort of thinking......Twilight slash Avengers 暮光之城大战复仇者联盟。

英语演讲稿：第86届奥斯卡名嘴Ellen爆笑开场演讲！恶搞众星

★英语资源频道为⼤家整理的英语演讲稿：第86届奥斯卡名嘴Ellen爆笑开场演讲！恶搞众星。

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英语演讲稿：Thank you very much. Thanks. Thank you very much. Welcome to the Oscars.. For those of you watching around the world, it's been a tough couple of days for us here. It has been raining.We're fine, thank you for your prayers.I'm happy to be back, I hosted seven years ago and I'm so honored and flattered that they had me back so quickly." (The applause welcoming her drowns out her punch line.)Things are so different now. Last time for instance when I was here Cate Blanchett was nominated, Meryl Streep was nominated, Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated, Martin Scorsese was nominated. It's so different.There are some first time nominees here – June Squibb is nominated for Nebraska. At 84, she's the oldest nominee. She was wonderful in Nebraska.I'M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA, THE FILM THAT YOU DID. WONDERFUL.(84岁June奶奶⼀脸天然呆萌，艾伦单独⼤声的跟她说。

英语演讲稿-经典名人英语演讲稿68：做真正的自己(2009年美国脱口秀节目主持人艾伦杜兰大学演讲)mp3

英语演讲稿经典名人英语演讲稿68：做真正的自己（2009年美国脱口秀节目主持人艾伦杜兰大学演讲）mp368. Stay True to Yourself68. 做真正的自己And really when I look back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear, I’free, I have no secrets. And I know I’ll always be OK, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It’s not, it’s “groupies”.当我回首这些往事的时候，我还会做相同的决定。

英文脱口秀(美国笑话)

"The Obamas have a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon“奥巴马一家有了一只新的白宫第一狗，是一只葡萄牙水犬，名字叫波。

波的到来非常及时，因为萨沙和玛利亚都对朝乔·拜登扔飞盘感到腻歪了。

”——吉米·法伦"How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman“奥巴马的狗怎么样?他们有了一只新狗，对，一只小的葡萄牙水犬。

这只狗呢，正如你们期望的那样，还没有被训练好。

事实上，今天的早些时候，它在椭圆办公室留下的一坨屎比布什留下的大多了。

”——大卫·莱特曼"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno“巴拉克·奥巴马的女儿们非常聪明，她们告诉他说她们愿意像他对经济负责一样对小狗负责。

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩为2011年达特茅斯学院做了毕业致辞。

前半部分有很多搞笑串场，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的经历和人生经验：正是那些既定想法的失败，才使我们成为独一无二的人！以下是演讲全文：I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash.Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.That was great.And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as aworld-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made."But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said "Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States." Thank you and good luck.To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto," which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it was the only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating.Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain,name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine":- All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.- Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.- Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla."- The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finally be updated to "the onesixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.- Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don't let those bastards do it.And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childishapplause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.- First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.- Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.- Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.- And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:- Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.- If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.- The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.And, I have to tell you this:- You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally.But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath thecoffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny.In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.Thank you very much, and congratulations.。

永远的瑞秋——动人演讲中英互译

演讲全文OK, that was incredible. I can't tell you how much easier this all just got. Thank You Awkwafina for taking that beautiful bullet for all of us, and thank God I wrote my speech down.真的太好了！这样我就轻松多啦！谢谢奥卡菲娜刚刚为大家踩了雷，幸好我把演讲稿写下来了！【注释：奥卡菲娜演讲到一半，提词器突然坏了。

詹妮弗演讲时依然没有提词器。

】Hi! Ellen, we got to keep the best friend stuff on the DL. OK, because a lot of my best friends are here.大家好！艾伦，我俩最要好这件事，还是低调一点哈。

下面坐着好多人，都觉得自己跟我最好。

OK, I mean you would th ink after 30 years of being in this industry, getting up here would be easy, and it's not. It's terrifying. It's not that often we're surrounded by people, who have found their voice and who are using it, and using it to hold people up, and to bring people together. And that to me is, true power.大家可能会觉得，在这个行业工作了30年，上台讲话应该没什么压力了。

并不是...还是很可怕的。

现在这种场合我们并不常常经历，周围聚着一群人，他们勇于发声，并用自己的声音给他人力量，让他人振奋起来，让所有的人团结在一起。

黑人脱口秀的演讲稿英文

黑人脱口秀的演讲稿英文Ladies and gentlemen,Good evening! I stand before you today as a black individual, proud of my heritage and confident in my identity. Tonight, I want to take this opportunity to share my thoughts, experiences, and perceptions as a black person through the medium of stand-up comedy.As a black person, my journey has been a mix of triumphs and challenges. Like many others, I constantly find myself navigating through a world that sometimes fails to understand our unique perspective. But despite the hurdles, we have grown, thrived, and contributed immensely to the tapestry of society.So, let's dive into some laughter and a little bit of truth.We have all heard the stereotypes, haven't we? That all black people can dance, sing, or play sports. Well, I'm here to remind you that being black doesn't automatically make you the next Beyoncéor LeBron James. I can't sing for the life of me, and my basketball skills only make me a threat to the nearest water cooler.Speaking of stereotypes, let's tackle the one about our hair. Black hair is beautiful, versatile, and a statement in itself, but it comes with its own unique set of challenges. Whether it's the hours spent in the salon or the endless debates between natural hair and wigs, it's a journey. And don't get me started on those windy days when my hair becomes a weapon of mass destruction.Now, let's talk about history. You see, black history is not just about slavery or oppression. We are the offspring of kings and queens, scholars and warriors. We are the embodiment of resilience and strength. So, the next time someone asks if I can trace my roots back to Africa, I'll proudly say, "Yes, I come from a land of rich history, culture, and boundless potential."Though, I must admit, being black in a predominantly white neighborhood has its humorous moments. There's always that one person who claims to have a black friend as if it's a badge of diversity and understanding. "Oh, I have a black friend too!" I exclaim. "His name is Netflix, and he's always been there for me."But amidst the lighthearted jokes, let's not forget the importance of acknowledging the systemic racism and injustice that still persist today.It's essential to continue our fight for racial equality and to create an inclusive society that values and respects every individual, regardless of their skin color.In conclusion, as a black person, I stand here before you with laughter and stories, hoping to bridge any gaps that exist between our realities. Let's celebrate our differences, embrace diversity, and work together towards a future where racial stereotypes are shattered, and every voice is heard.Thank you, and may we all find unity and laughter in our shared humanity.。

jimmy tingle 哈弗大学爆笑演讲文本

Commencement Speech at HarvardJimmy TingleThank you, I am truly honored to be here this morning, my name is Jimmy Tingle and that’s my real name. And I was born and raised right here in Cambridge Massachusetts. I am an unlikely choice to give a commencement address at Harvard because quite frankly my friends I am not a scholar, which will become increasingly more evident as I proceed. I am a comedian by profession. And I started performing here in the Boston area in the early 1980s, actually did street performing right down here in Harvard square. I traveled all over the world performing stand-up comedy. I don’t want to brag, but two years ago I performed in Europe and I just like to say “excellent country”. You know what’s nice for being here this morning, you actually get that joke.Actually I am from a long line of intellectuals, growing up here in Cambridge we lived right near your college. My father owned and drove taxi cabs. Here in Harvard square he would pick up Harvard professors, they would tell him things. He would come home and tell us. For generations Harvard has given scholarships to students from Cambridge and students from all over the world who could meet the academic requirements.Starting in the third grade, my dear sweet mother who was here this morning would say to me, “Jimmy, if you study really hard, someday, you could go to Harvard.”By the sixth grade, she stopped telling me that. By the eighth grade, our whole neighborhood had their eyes set on Harvard, not so much for scholarships, but because it was an excellent place to steal bicycles.I can remember running through this very yard, some forty years ago, being chased by Harvard students, the Harvard faculty and the Harvard police department. Other college campuses during the 1960s were bitterly divided between the students and the administration over civil rights and the war in Vietnam. But here at Harvard, my friends and I were able to unite students, faculty and law enforcement.It was in this very yard that I had my first spiritual awakening. As I was running I started to pray, please god, please god don’t let me get caught, I’ll never do it again, my mother will kill me, she always wanted me to go to Harvard, this isn’t what she meant. 21Then I realized I was an altar boy, I was a catholic, I should have been praying before I tried to take the bicycle. And I just want to say to the alumni gathered here this morning on behalf of myself and all the other misguided youth of Cambridge and greater Boston who may have unjustifiably taken your bicycles we are sorry.And to the graduates, many of you will go on to positions of great power and influence in business and politics and government, and the temptations to cut corners to lie to steal to cheat will be formidable, my advice to you today is simply this, ask for guidance before you commit the crime. Trust me it is much less embarrassing to ask for help privately than to beg for forgiveness at graduation.And I am so grateful, I am so grateful that the petty crimes of my youth were not successful. For had my dishonest behavior been rewarded, I may not be with you here today my life may have taken a different turn. And I could have ended up on Wall Street.I always wanted to go to this school, but always felt that it was so late. Yet encouraged by family, and friends and colleagues, and my mom and my wife Catherine,I put in an application anyway, and like all of you, we were absolutely overjoyed, when that letter of acceptance came in the mail. I couldn’t believe it, I said to my wife, I can’t believe this. After all of these years, I’ve actually been accepted to Harvard. They must really need a commencement speaker.This entire year people have asked me Jimmy why would a comedian want to go to Harvard. the same reason all of you wanted to go to Harvard, we got in. And all of us have faced challenges getting here today, and still more academic challenges once classes started. My biggest academic challenge was the quantitative mathematic requirement for graduation. Unfortunately I had to take statistics. Fortunately we had a wonderful, and dedicated and great teacher, Deborah Hughes Hallett.Who was kind enough to arrange extra help secessions for students who were struggling with the material. I went to every single extra help secession she offered. It was always a very familiar scenario. Me and nineteen students from other countries. Countries often in conflict with one another, India and Pakistan, Turkey and Greece, Israelis and Palestinians, all of us helping one another, all of us learning from one another, all of us supporting one another, across racial, ethnic and religious lines. And I say this as a native Bostonian, all of us with English as a second language.All of us are here today because somebody helped us. 34 Whether it was family or friends or colleagues or teachers or administration or just scholarships or God or a highly power, someone or something helped us get here today and now it’s our job to help others and that is education and that is human progress in its simplest form.And I believe very very strongly, that with right amount of the physical, spiritual and intellectual help, almost anything in this world is possible. All of the students in those extra help sessions passed those courses, some of those students actually got an A in statistics, I personally got a B, which for me was a miracle. Actually in the spirit of honesty, a B minus, which was a minor miracle. But if I could get the help that I needed to get a B minus in statistics in quantitative mathematics at graduate school at Harvard, there is hope for world peace.Thank you, thank you, thank you.。

【推荐下载】美国脱口秀 [1000字]-优秀word范文 (4页)

本文部分内容来自网络整理，本司不为其真实性负责，如有异议或侵权请及时联系，本司将立即删除！== 本文为word格式，下载后可方便编辑和修改！ ==美国脱口秀 [1000字]美国脱口秀【Ellen show】美国传奇人物Ellen DeGeneres星路历程来自: yolanda(love ellen) 201X-11-15 17:51:25Ellen DeGeneres 艾伦?德杰尼勒斯一、基本信息性别：女全名：Ellen Lee DeGeneres英文名：Ellen DeGeneres生日：1958年1月26日星座：水瓶座国籍：美国身高：171cm二、人物生平艾伦?德杰尼勒斯，出生于一个新奥尔兰一个中产阶级家庭。

艾伦的父母在她13岁的时候离婚，她跟随她的母亲去了东德克萨斯。

那时候她母亲有深度的忧郁，那个时候Ellen用幽默逗母亲开心，这也是Ellen第一次意识到幽默的力量。

在Ellen十几岁的时候，她母亲再婚，再婚后的继父对Ellen有性骚扰。

那个时候她母亲患了乳房癌，她继父告诉她，他发现她母亲可能在胸部又出现囊肿，所以要触摸Ellen的乳房来确认。

后来继父的行为越来越过分，终于在有一天，在Ellen的母亲不在家的时候，她的继父趁她睡觉的时候踢她的房门，企图强行进Ellen的房间。

Ellen害怕的从窗户逃走，在镇上的医院地板上睡了一晚。

Ellen把这个事情告诉了她母亲，但是当时她母亲不相信她，直到她母亲发现这个继父的借口每次都在变，才明白是继父在撒谎。

Ellen有点特殊，虽然曾经和男生约会，甚至差点和男朋友Ben Heath结婚。

后来Ellen有跟父亲住过一段时间，但是当她19岁向家人出柜的时候，她的继母和新组建的家庭因为深厚的宗教信仰关系，拒绝让Ellen继续住在那里。

她很快在同性恋吧找到了志同道合的伴侣，先后做过女服务员，脱口秀表演者，作家，演员等不同职业。

但是她职业的第一次突破是在1986年（28岁），在Johnny Carson的秀里面表演了一段名为《给上帝打电话》的脱口秀。

黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿

黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。

但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。

（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）I grew up in China. Who wouldn't我在中国长大。

谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。

乔治卡林脱口秀中英字幕

乔治卡林脱口秀中英字幕1.乔治·卡林的个人成就乔治·卡林作为美国非常知名的脱口秀谐星，曾获得格莱美奖、马克·吐温幽默大奖（Mark Twain Prize for American Humor）等奖项。

卡林不仅是一名出色的脱口秀谐星，还身兼演员和作家等多个身份。

他最大的特色是他评论中的政治色彩和黑色幽默。

乔治·卡林在演讲中一直有一个最高准则，就是那个著名的“七个永不在电视上讲出的词”原则。

卡林在1972年于密尔沃基市说出了那七个词，随后他就因此而被判扰乱治安罪。

之后这七个词就被政府规定为不适宜在公共媒体中播放的词语，如果出现便用“B”声带过。

卡林在1972年初接受采访时还曾骄傲地表示自己当时的行为成为了美国法律史上的一个里程碑。

卡林一生中制作了23盘喜剧专辑和朗诵专辑、14部HBO特辑，创作了3本畅销图书，参加了多个电视节目并出演过多部电影。

他曾获得4座格莱美最佳诵读喜剧专辑奖，五次提名艾美奖。

美国华盛顿肯尼迪表演艺术中心将第11届马克·吐温美国幽默奖授予乔治·卡林，以表彰他50年来作为独角喜剧演员、作家和演员的杰出成就。

肯尼迪表演艺术中心董事会主席施瓦茨曼说，卡林不仅引人发笑，而且让人思考。

2.带有讽刺意义的名言阿尔伯特.爱因斯坦名言1.妨碍我学习的唯一障碍就是我的教育。

2.当数学原理用于现实时，是不确定的，当它们确定时，又不适用于现实。

3.常识就是人在十八岁之前形成的各种偏见。

4.原子能的释放并没有造成一个新问题，它只是使解决一个当前问题的必要性更加迫切。

5.如果你决心讲述真相，就把体面留给裁缝。

6.我不知道第三次世界大战会用什么武器，但我确定第四次世界大战用的武器会是棍子和石头。

弗里德里希.尼采名言7.胡话一开始也就是胡话，但这些胡话是和上帝有关的，所以最后胡话也就成了上帝。

8.在精神病院随便走走表明信仰什么都不是。

9.啊，女人，你使高尚者更高尚，也能创造更多卑微者。