英语幽默集锦
英语笑话简短爆笑
英语笑话简短爆笑
1. Why is the doctor so angry? （为什么医生那么生气？）Because he has no patience.（因为他没有耐心呀。
）
笑点：耐心=patience，病人（复数形式）=patients，两个词读音相似，一语双关。
2. What is the longest word in the English language?（英语里最长的单词是？）Smiles. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.（Smiles，因为它的首尾字母之间隔了一英里那么长。
）笑点：翻译时需要保留smiles，因为中文不分单复数，这里规避了字面意义上的最长，而是利用了单词mile 的含义。
3. What do you call a deer with no eyes?（没有眼睛的鹿叫什么？）No idea.（不知道。
）
笑点：deer 和idea 读音相似，这里是谐音梗。
4. Why don't scientists trust atoms?（为什么科学家不相信原子？）Because they make up everything.（因为它们构成了一切。
）笑点：make up 有化妆、编造、组成等意思，这里取了组成的意思。
5. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?（当
雪人跟吸血鬼杂交，会得到什么？）Frostbite.（冻疮。
）笑点：frostbite 有冻伤、冻疮的意思，同时它跟frost（霜）和bite （咬）两个词有关，这里是双关梗。
英语幽默集锦
英语幽默集锦1.Second language 外语A mother mouse was out for a walk with her babies when she saw a cat crouched(爬) behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watchedthe mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified(恐惧的) that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the importance of a second language?"一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。
”2. 4-4=? 四减四等于几？One day, the teacher inquired Peter: "How much is four plus four?" Peter was tongue-tied.The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leakout, now what is left in your pocket?""The hole," replied Peter.一天，老师问彼德：“四减四等于几？”彼德张口结舌答不上来。
超级好笑的英语笑话集锦
超级好笑的英语笑话集锦笑话是幽默的语言表达。
它是一种常见的幽默传达方式。
笑话是口头或者书面的幽默语言。
下面是店铺带来的超级好笑的英语笑话，欢迎阅读!超级好笑的英语笑话篇一直言不讳My husband bought me an automatic dishwasher for my birthday. In filling out the guarantee，he came across the question，“What year and model dishwasher did you're place?"He wrote:"Wife—Age 24".我丈夫在我生日那天给我买了台全自动洗碗机。
在填写保修单叶，他看到里面有一项是:“你替换的旧洗碗机是哪年生产的，什么型号?”我丈夫写道:“妻子—24岁”。
超级好笑的英语笑话篇二梦幻世界A hotel manager in a small town reports that a guest woke up everyone in the hotel screaming，"It's in the phone book! It's in the the phone book!"饭店经理报告说一名客人把所有的人都吵醒了，他不停地尖叫:“就在电话薄里，就在电话薄里。
”The manager got the house detective and they let themselves into the man's room，where they found him in the midst of a nightmare. "I was having a horrible dream，”the man explained when awakened. "I dreamed the income-tax people wanted to send me a big refund, but they'd lost my address!"经理找来侦探后，带他进入了那位客人的房间。
简短的搞笑英语句子集锦
【导语】近年⼀些年青⼈爱上了英语搞笑,引起了络上有关英语⼀场新的热议。
下⾯是由⽆忧考带来的简短的搞笑英语句⼦集锦，欢迎阅读!【篇⼀】简短的搞笑英语句⼦集锦 1， Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 不⽤和傻⽠吵架，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他的⽔平，然后再⽤丰富的经验打败你。
2， Evening news is where they begin with …Good evening‟, and then proceed to tell you why it isn‟t. 晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你为什么好不了。
3， Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 海豚可聪明了，你晓得不?只需驯养⼏个星期，他们就能让⼈类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。
4， Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 孩⼦定义：你先花2年教他们⾛路和说话，然后你再花16年叫他们坐定和闭嘴。
5， It‟s not the fall that kills you; it‟s the sudden stop at the end. 跳楼的时候，“啊~~“的时候还没死，”啪!“那才是死了。
英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn’t even know it was ill.”◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “Now, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”◆A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying schoolbags with the caption at the bottom: “On Their Way to School”. “I think it’s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I’m sure!” the boy concluded.◆Geography teacher: “What is the consequence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?”Student:“It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don’t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one man could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an e xample.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you give a familiar example of the human body that adapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnnie:“Yes, ma’am. My aunt gained 50 poundsin a year, and her skin never cracked.”◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winter.”◆Mary has been going to primary school for a week. At the end of the first week her fathe r asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for a while and answered: “I like the break period best.”◆During the final examination, some pupils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for the class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher considered it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declared: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for the marks?” one pupil asked.◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her class.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma’am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher asked again.” None, madam.”◆“What do you think of the relationship between ‘deceit’, ‘failure’ and’ success’?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,” but failure is the mother of success.” “So no deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pupil.◆Teacher: “Why are you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”◆Phys. teacher: “Which travels faster, heat or cold?” Student: “Heat. You can catch cold.”◆Math. teacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero. “Student: “Gee!All that work for nothing!”◆Chem. teacher: “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 19th century?”Student: “They are all dead, sir.”◆Music teacher: “Who is the famous tenor in our city? And who is the famous bass?”Student: “When my father denou- nces me, he is a famous tenor. When he speaks to my mother, he is a bass.”◆“Who was the first President of the United States?” a history teacher asked one of her student. The student thought for a long time, but didn’t say any-thing. Then the teacher got angry and shouted, ”George Washington!” “Come back!” the teacher said, ”I didn’t tell you to go.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” the student said, ”I thought you called the next student.”◆Medical prof: “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisoous mushro oms ?”Student: “Recommend a change of diet.”◆Literature prof. : “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.” Student: “Well he got married and he wrote ‘Paradise Lost’. Then his wife died and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained’.◆English prof. : “What is the difference be- tween an ac- tive verb and a passive verb ?Stud. : “An active verb shows ac- tion and a pa- ssive verb shows passion. “◆Grammar teacher: “A noun is the name of a per- son or a thing. Now, who can give me a noun ?”First pupil: “A cow.” Teacher: “Very good. Another noun?”Second pupil: “Another cow.”◆Prof. : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”Stud. : “What’s the name of this course?”◆First student: “Did the music teacher act- ually say your voice was hea- venly?”Second student: “Well, she did say it was u- nearthly.”◆First student: “Which is the longest word in the English Language?”Second student:“I don’t know. Would you like to tell me what it is?”First student: It’s “smiles”. Second student: “That isn’t very long. Only six letters.” First student: “But there is a mile between the first and the last letters.◆Teacher: “Can you tell me what a fish-net is made of?”Pupil: “A lot of little holes tied together.”◆Once two pu-pils were tal-king about thesun and the moon. “Which of themis more useful?”asked one of them. The other an-swered, ”Oh, I know. The moon is. Themoon is in the sky at nightwhen it is dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody wants it.”◆Voice on tele-phone: “John is ill and can’t attend classes today. He re- quested me to notify you.” Prof. : “All right. Who is this speaking?”Voice: “This is my roommate.”◆Prof. : “What are you reading. Tom?”Stud. : “I don’t know.” Prof. : “You don’t k now?You were reading aloud, so you must know.” Stud. : “I was reading aloud, sir, butI was not listening. “◆At a college examination a professor said: “Does the ques-tion embarrass you?” “Not at all, sir, ”replied thestudent, ”not atall. It is the answer that bo-thers me.”◆Friend: “What is your son going to be when he’s passed his final exam ?”Father: “An old man.”◆Reporter: “What is the profe- ssor’s research work?”Prof. ‘s house-keeper: “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”◆“Professor, whydo you use threepairs of eyegla-sses?” “Yes, one pairfor long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”◆Teacher: “Billy, what’s a syno- nym?”Student: “It’s word you used in place of another one when you ca n not spell the other one.”◆Father: “Well, son , what’s your place on the school-list this month?”Son: “I’m twenty -sixth.” Father: “How many pupils are there in your class?”Son: “Twenty-six. “(A month later)Father: “Well, son , what’s your place on the list now?”Son: “Twenty- seven. Father: “How can that be?If I remember co- rrectly, there are only twenty-six in your class.” Son: “Oh, no, we have a new boy now.”◆During a Christmas exam, one of the ques-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam paper came back with the prof. ‘s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“◆The more we study, the more we know. The morewe know, the morewe forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?◆The professorrapped on his rostrum and shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”◆“If the Deandoesn’t take back what he siad to me thismoring, I’m goingto leave college.” “What did he say?” “He told me toleave college.”◆The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second ex-amination question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of th e United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “1492-none.”◆Prof. : “Wake up that student next to you.” Stud. : “You do it yourself, professor, you put him to sleep.”◆Prof. : “You can’t sleep in my class.” Stud. : “If you don’t talk so loud I could.”◆“Our economicsteacher talks tohimself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks weare listening.”◆“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind, ”said the teacher as he erased the blackboard.◆First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.”Second stud. : “Huh!Next thing he’ll be asking us to stop smoking, too.”◆Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”Stud. : “No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”◆A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor, “Your last paper was very diffi-cult to read, ”said the profe-ssor, ”Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to under-stand it.” “Yes, sir, ”saidthe student, “what part didn’t you get?”◆The professor was delivering the final lec-ture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis onthe fact each sutdent should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final exami-nations.” “The examina-tion papers arenow in the handsof the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?” Silence prevai-led. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: “Who is the prin-ter?”◆Prof. : “Never mind the date. The examina- tion is more important.” Stud. : “We ll, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”◆Mary had beento school for the first time. “Well, darling, what did you learn?”asked hermother, when Marycame back home. “Nothing, ”sighed Mary hopelessly, ”I have got to go back again tomo-rrow.”◆One morning Professor Blankwas going to meet his studen-ts in the after-noon, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Profe-ssor Blank will meet the class this afternoon.” Some student, seeing his chance to dis-play his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “C”in the word “class”. The pro-fessor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “C”erased-calmly walked up and erased the“l”in “lass”, looked at the flabbergastedstudent and pro-ceeded on hisway.◆Teacher: “Henry, what are the three works which some of you use most often in class ?”Henry: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Correct.”◆Teacher.” Mary, why don’t wash your face? I can see wha t you had for breakfast this morning.” Mary: “What was it?”Teacher: “Eggs.” Mary: “Wrong, tea- cher. That was yesterday.”◆Teacher: “What is an abstract noun, Jane?”Jane: “I don’t know, madam.”Teacher: “What, you don’t know ?Well, it’s the name o f a thing which you canthink of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. “Jane: “A red-hot poker.”◆First stud. : “How are a teacher and a railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don’t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. : “One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.”◆“Aren’t you ashamed of your-self, Henry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What’s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatthe w orst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”◆Little Smith came home fromwith a new bookunder his arm. “It’s a prize, mother,”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many leg s anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. Bu t all the pu-pils said four, so I was closest.”◆An absent-min-ded professor was lecturing on anatomy. “To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it very carefully.” The professorunwrapped the parcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwich-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, but w here is thefrog?”◆First stud. : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”Second stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the ent ire history of England was on them.”◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “No mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-swe red: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from colle ge?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”◆“Where have you been for the last four years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”◆The much pre-occupied profe-ssor walk intothe barber’s shop and sat in a chair ne xt to a woman who washaving her hairbobbed. “Haircut, please, ”ordered the professor. “Certainly, ”said the barber. “But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The professorhurriedly re-moved his hat. “I’m sorry, ”heapologized as hel ooked around.” Ididn’t know there was a lady present.”◆Teacher: “Didn’t Henry help you to this sum?”Pupil: “No.” Teacher: “Are you sure he didn’t help you?”Pupil: “No, he did not help me, he did it all.”◆Teacher: “What do you call the last teeth we get?”Pupil: “False teeth.”◆Geog. teacher: “What have the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”Pupil: “Nothing execpt to make the geography lessons harder.”◆Te acher: “What animal is sa- tisfied with the least nou- rishment?”Robert: “The mo th , teacher. It eats nothing but holes.”◆“What he shapeof the earth?”asked the tea-cher of Jane. “It’s round, ”Jane said. “H ow do you know it is round, Jane?” “Oh, it’s square. I don’t want tostart an argu-ment a bout it.”◆A school tea-cher who had been telling a class of smallpupil the story of the disco veryof America by Columbus endedwith: “And all this happened more than 500 years ag o.” A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought: “Gee!W hat a good memory youhave got.”◆Teacher: “What are the pro- ducs of Cuba?”Boy: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Come, come!Where do you get sugar from?”Boy: “We borrow it from the next-door neighbour.”◆Teacher: “The earth has an attractive power;that power is known as gravity. It is, i n fact, the law of gravity which prevents us from being thrown off the earth as it revolv es.” Pupil: “Please, teacher, how did we keep on the earth be- fore the law was passed?”◆Te acher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reaso n;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad bo y: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn’t do my homewor k?”◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pu pil: “Oh , I know. It’s” short”.◆Professor Blank: “Hasn’t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don’t think he i ntends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s de- gree.”◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sa metime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlie r, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it’s eleven o’clock here, it’s eight o’clock in LosAngeles.”◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teac her: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nu ment to it.”◆Stud. : “I’m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an a nimal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frown ed repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that’swhy it would bepeculiar.”◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who’s a real know-it-all. So I told hi m no- body l iked that attitude. “Second student: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He did not realize howlong he had neg-lected writing his family untilhe received thefollowing not e: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed your lastletter. Of course, we were much youn ger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love Dad.”◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday hap pily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she sta yed be-hind and waited. “Why didn’t you go with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked kin dly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “What did I do in school today?”The teacher laughed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I’m going to go homenow, ”Mary an-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose’s class said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man’s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I do n’t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Rose! Men’s hair be-comes grey first because it’s sixteen years older than their mustaches and b eards.”◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?”he was constantly aske d. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me a ll my life. I just never had to take notes be-fore.”◆Teacher: “What happens when there is an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”。
英语幽默集锦
1. Fine for ParkingTell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?" The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地), "Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.2. Self-helpI went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)3. I Couldn't Digest So Many ApplesDoctor gravely(严肃地): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't digest(消化）so many apples."4. Is This a QuestionA college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? " A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.5. A Dollar Per PointA professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.6. My Father's AshesA guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.)7. I Drop my Weight From SkippingMr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lo st nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)8. Now We RunA priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"9. Pig or WitchA man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.10. Man and WomanSmart(精明的) man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb(愚蠢的) woman = pregnancy(怀孕)Dumb man + smart woman = affairDumb man + dumb woman = marriageSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.11. You and Your BossWhen you take a long time, you're slow.When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.When you don't do it, you're lazy.When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority（超越权限）. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).When you take a stand（表态）, you're being bull-headed（固执）.When your boss does it, he's being firm.When you overlooked(忽略) a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.When your boss skips(略过) a few rules, he's being original(独创的).When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum(耍酒疯者). When your boss does the same, he appreciated(欣赏) women.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.12. Love, Lust and MarriageLOVE - When intercourse(性交) is called "making love."LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?LOVE - When you share everything you own.LUST - When you steal everything they own.MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax(高潮).LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.MARRIAGE - What's a climax?LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.LUST - When all you write is your phone number.MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.LOVE - When nobody else matters.LUST - When nobody else knows.MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.13. Before and After You fall in loveBEFORE - You take my breath awayAFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating(窒息)BEFORE - Twice a nightAFTER - Twice a monthBEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situationAFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative(操纵的) egomaniac(极端自我)BEFORE - Don't stopAFTER - Don't startBEFORE - Is that all you're having?AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honeyBEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dreamAFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm(宿舍)BEFORE - We agree on everythingAFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?BEFORE - I love a woman with curves(皱摺)AFTER - I never said you were fatBEFORE - Time stood stillAFTER - This relationship is going nowhereBEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each otherAFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.14.You and Your Computer( 你和你的电脑）It is time to reassess your relationship with yourcomputer when....（到了重新评价你和你的电脑的关系时候了当......)1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.(你早晨四点醒来去厕所，回卧室时去检查邮件。
英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦
英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦对外汉语教学中,为了寓教于乐,有的教师会就某些语言或文化现象引述笑话或故事。
下面小编整理了英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦，希望大家喜欢!英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦摘抄小学生的搞怪逻辑推理A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。
于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。
他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。
谁能告诉我这是为什么?”A girl raised her hand and asked, "todrawout all of his savings?"一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款?”英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦鉴赏一个小女孩的愿望A Girl's WishOn the way home after watching a balletperformance, the kindergarten teacher askedher students what they thought of it. Thesmallest girl in the class said she wished thedancers were taller so that they would not haveto stand on their toes all the time.小女孩的愿望在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。
很高分的英语口语集锦
很高分的英语口语集锦I'm dying to see you. 我很想见你。
I swear by the god. 我对天发誓。
Nothing tricky. 别耍花招。
You might at least apologize. 你顶多道个歉就得了。
Price is soaring, if it goes on like this, we shall not be able to keep the pot boiling.物价直线上升，这样子下去，我们锅里可没什么东西煮饭。
None of you keyhole. 不准偷看。
You don't seem to be quite yourself today. 你今天看起来不大对劲。
Do you have any money on you？你身上带钱了吗？What is your major？你学什么专业？My girlfriend and I broke up. 我和我的女朋友吹了。
It was something that happens once in the blue moon. 这是千载难逢的事。
I'll kick you out. 我将炒你鱿鱼。
I have to be late and keep my date waiting. 我不喜欢迟到而让别人久等。
There is nobody by that name working here. 这里没有这个人。
He neither drinks nor smokes. 他既不喝酒也不抽烟。
He pushes his luck. 他太贪心了。
Nuts! 呸；胡说；混蛋！I can't make both ends meet. 我上个月接不到下个月，缺钱。
It is of high quality. 它质量上乘。
Dead end. 死胡同。
Would you mind making less noise. 能不能小声点God works. 上帝的安排。
英文小笑话集锦精品课外英语拓展小学英语歌曲+歌谣+诗歌英文诗歌全国优秀教师课堂必备
●它咬人吗Does He BiteReggie:We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play withhim?Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?Reggie: That's what I want to find out.里基：我们又得到了一条新狗，你愿意过来和他玩一会吗？罗恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人吗？里基：这正是我想要查明的。
●两块蛋糕Two Pieces of CakeTom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly----take this piece and cut it two!汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！●不算太坏Not too BadDid you sell any of your paintings at the art show?""No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one."“你的画在美术展上有卖出去吗？”“没有，但我还是受到了鼓励，”他回答说，“有人偷走了一幅。
”● A Silly Father 傻爸爸Mr. White was watching TV when his eight-year-old son came into the room. He cried, Father, my grandpa just now slapped me in the face. Hearing that, Mr. White became veryangry. And then he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said, You beat my son and I dare to beat yours.怀特先生在房间里看电视，他八岁的儿子走进来哭着说：爸爸，刚才爷爷打了我一耳光。
英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦笑话1：鸡蛋的问题小明问小华：“你怎么知道一个鸡蛋是生的还是熟的？”小华：“很简单，我把鸡蛋放进水里，如果浮起来就是生的，如果沉下去就是熟的。
”小明：“那如果鸡蛋半浮半沉呢？”小华：“那就是半生不熟。
”笑话2：打电话小明用英语给外国朋友打电话：“Hello! Is it Mr. Brown’s residence?”外国朋友说：“I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”小明再打一次：“Hello! Is it Mrs. Brown’s residence?”外国朋友愤怒地说：“No, I told you already, you have the wrong number!”小明再打一次：“Hello! Is it Mr. Brown’s residence?”外国朋友非常生气：“I can’t believe you called me again! This is not Mr. Brown’s residence!”小明笑着说：“I know, but I just love hearing you say it!”笑话3：父亲的损失小明的父亲对他说：“小明，你知道我为什么戴假发吗？”小明好奇地问：“为什么呢？”父亲严肃地回答：“因为我是个有发言权的人。
”笑话4：天堂和地狱有一天，人们来到上帝面前询问天堂和地狱的存在。
他们问上帝：“天堂和地狱是什么样子的？”上帝微笑着回答：“我带你们去看一看。
”首先，上帝打开了通向地狱的门。
门一打开，他们看到里面是一个宴会厅，摆满了美食和饮料，但每个人手中都拿着又长又粗的筷子，无法把食物送入嘴中。
接着，上帝带着他们去了天堂。
天堂的门打开后，他们看到了和地狱一样的情景，宴会厅里也是美食和饮料满满，每个人同样手中拿着又长又粗的筷子。
但人们却高兴地吃得很满足，因为在天堂里，他们都学会了相互喂食。
笑话5：自动售货机小明走到一个自动售货机前，看见上面写着：“请用英语选择您要购买的商品。
英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦英语幽默笑话一直都是人们生活中的一大调剂，能够让人在忙碌的工作生活中得到一些轻松愉悦的感受。
下面为大家精选了一些精彩的英语幽默笑话，希望大家可以在阅读中感受到其中的乐趣和幽默感。
笑话一：堵车以前的人们怎么上班的？简单，他们在一个地方工作，而且走路去。
为什么现在的人们会那么担心交通堵塞呢？因为，上班路上开车都要比开着门走路慢！笑话二：休息有个男人在路边坐着，一位警察过来问他：“你这样做有什么目的吗？”那个男人回答道：“我正在休息。
”警察无奈对他说：“休息是在家里或是在假期的时候，这里是不能坐的。
”那个男人笑着回应：“你不知道吗？时间就是金钱，我在这里浪费时间，赚取的就是我工资。
”笑话三：律师与兔子有一天，一只兔子跑到了一家律师事务所，兔子说：“请问您是律师吗？我想起诉一只猎人。
”律师很感兴趣，于是问：“猎人做了什么让你不满意呢？”兔子说：“他把我的脚架在了自己的车上，然后开车飞快地在草地上飞奔”，律师问题地说：“这确实是超出常规的行为，不过，我想问问你，你是什么时候发现他这么做的呢？”兔子想了想，回答道：“昨天傍晚。
”律师又问：“那你为什么不在昨天就来告状呢？”兔子笑了笑，说：“昨天我还谈不上心烦意乱。
”笑话四：职业习惯通过职业习惯，人们可以将其职业和自己的性格深深地联系在一起。
在这里，我想讲一个故事：有一位老人，他准备退休了，他的同事们给他买了一张会员卡，这张卡可以帮助他享受退休后的美好生活、旅游和娱乐活动。
老人很感动，他用这张卡去旅游、购物和享受美食。
然而，当他用完这张卡之后，他发现自己经常喜欢装着这张卡到处跑，为的就是让别人看到他的重要性。
在这个例子中可以看到，职业习惯深深地影响了这个人的性格。
笑话五：经验总结有人曾经问过我：“一个获得成功的人到达这个位置是因为他比其他人更聪明吗？”我的回答是：“这取决于你的定义。
”如果你的定义是一个人是否比其他人更聪明，那么，我的回答就是：很可能不是。
简单易懂的英语小笑话
三一文库（）〔简单易懂的英语小笑话〕*篇一：超简短的5个英文笑话超简短的5个英文笑话1.Teacher:whoeveranswersmynextquestion,cangohome.老师：谁能回到我下一个问题，谁就可以回家了。
Oneboythrowshisbagoutthewindow.一个小男孩把书包扔到窗外。
Teacher:whojustthrewthat?!老师：谁刚刚把书包扔出去了?Boy:Me!I’mgoinghomenow.男孩：我!我现在要回家了。
2.Whatdogcanjumphigherthanabuilding?什么狗比大楼跳的还高?Anydog,buildingscantjump!任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。
3.Whathasahead,atail,andnobody?什么有头、有尾，但是没有身体?Acoin!硬币。
4.Whathasoneeyebutcannotsee?什么有一只眼睛，却看不见?Aneedle.针。
5.Wife:"Howwouldyoudescribeme?"妻子：你会怎么形容我呢?Husband:"ABCDEFGHIJK."丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.Wife:"Whatdoesthatmean?"妻子：那是什么意思?Husband:"Adorable,beautiful,cute,delightful,elegant ,fashionable,gorgeous,andhot."丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。
Wife:"Aw,thankyou,butwhataboutIJK?"妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢?Husband:"Imjustkidding!"丈夫：开个玩笑!*篇二：简单英语小笑话Heisreallysomebody--Myunclehas1000menunderhim.--Heisreallysomebody.Whatdoeshedo?--Amaintenancemaninacemetery.他真是一个大人物--我叔叔下面有1000个人。
60个搞笑的英语绕口令集锦
导语：搞笑的英语绕⼝令有哪些?下⾯是©⽆忧考⽹为⼤家精⼼整理的关于英语搞笑绕⼝令⼤全，欢迎阅读! (1)Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick. (2)She sells sea shells by the sea shore.The shells she sells are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm sure she sells seashore shells. (3)"Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised."Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink." (4)A Finnish fisher named Fisher failed to fish any fish one Friday afternoon and finally he found out a big fissure in his fishing-net. (5)Where is the watch I put in my pocket to take to the shop because it had stopped? (6)Bob bought a big bag of buns to bait the bears' babies (7)A snow-white swan swiftly to catch a slowly-swimming snake in a lake. (8)Mr. Cook said to a cook: "Look at this cook-book. It's very good." So the cook took the advice of Mr. Cook and bought the book. 〔9〕 A flea and a fly were trapped in a flue, and they tried to flee for their life. The flea said to the fly "let''s flee!" and the fly said to the flea"Let's fly!.Finally both the flea and fly managed to flee through a flaw in the flue. 〔10〕Peter Piper picked a peck of picket prepared by his parents and put them in a big paper plate. 〔11〕The rat-catcher can't catch caught rats. (12〕Six silly sisters sell silk to six sickly senior citizens. 〔13〕Ten tiny tortoises tried to talk to twenty timid toads. 〔14〕How many cuckoos could a good cook cook if a cook could cook cuckoos? 〔15〕Three thumping tigers are tickling trout. 〔16〕Sheep shouldn't sleep in shaky shacks, should they? 〔17〕A spoiled boy destroyed a toy for joy. 〔18〕Nick had a big pig with thick sticky skin. 〔19〕Cat, cat, catch that fat rat! 〔20〕Some say sweet-scented shaving soap soothes sore skin. 〔21〕Big blue balloons bounced by Billy's brown bike. 〔22〕Five fine funny frogs frowned on furry furniture. 〔23〕The nurses in skirts washed thirty dirty shirts. 〔24〕If a chow chews shoes, how does he choose which shoes to chew? 〔25〕Little Willie's wooden whistle wouldn't whistle. 〔26〕Better beat a bit of butter to make a better batter. 〔27〕Lots of little London Lamplighters light London's lots of little lamps. 〔28〕Shadows shade the sheltered shallows. 〔29〕His shirt soon shrank in the suds. 〔30〕As the roaring rocket rose, the restless roosters rollicked. 〔31〕The next number is neither nine nor nineteen. 〔32〕Sally Sue sat sadly saying sixty-six syllables to silly Sandy. 〔33〕The frozen fishermen threw their frozen fish back in again. 〔34〕An elevator on Everest is an Everest elevator. 〔35〕Swan, swim over the sea. Swim, Swan, swim!swan, swim back again. Well swum, Swan! 〔36〕I see seven seagulls soaring southwards silently. 〔37〕Tommy Tye tried to tie his tie but tugging too tight tore his tie. 〔38〕The dude dropped in at the Dewdrop Inn for a drop of drink. 〔39〕Mrs Snelling's selling six sick six-shilling sheep. 〔40〕Tiny Tommy Tortoise talked to Tessie Turtle on telephone ten times today. 〔41〕Sixty-seven sacks of salt sitting side by side. 〔42〕Can Christmas come twice?If Christmas can come twice, when else can Christmas come? 〔43〕With one hand her husband hit her hat into a high hole. 〔44〕Mrs Claton collects coconut cookies and crunches while she's counting crutches. 〔45〕The man with fair hair dare not repair their chairs there because there is a bear there. 〔46〕Master Carl asks his class not to go to the parks to play cards. 〔47〕 When a doctor doctors another doctor, does he doctor the doctored doctor the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored or does he doctor the doctored doctor the way the doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor? 〔48〕 How much wood would a woodcutter cut if a woodcutter could cut wood? He'd cut as much wood as a woodcutter could if a wood cutter could cut wood. 〔49〕Nina needs nine knitting needles to knit naughty Nita's knickers nicely. 〔50〕I don't know why Joan showed a yellow coat to the goat in the snow. 〔51〕I slit a sheet, A sheet I slit. Upon the slitted Slitted Sheet, I sit! 〔52〕A Big black bug bit a big black bear.Where's the big black bear the big black bug bit? 〔53〕Begging for the bactine and clamouring for calamine! 〔54〕 Moses supposes his toeses are roses, But moses supposes erroneously. For moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses as moses supposes his toeses to be! 〔55〕The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. 〔56〕 Peter Piper picked a peck of pickle peppers. A peck of pickle peppers Peter Piper Picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickle peppers, where is the peck of pickle peppers Peter Piper picked (57)Neither father nor mother likes this weather. (58)A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,but the stump thunk the skunk stunk. (59)Betty Botter had some butter,"But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter,it would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter--that would make my batter better." (60)So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,and she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.。
英语幽默笑话集锦绝对好笑
一．Mental deficiency 智力缺陷"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ..."how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." " Well, What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。
幽默集锦英文
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（ 河北 和宝 君供 稿）
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英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦英语幽默笑话集锦◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn’t even know it was ill.”◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “No w, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”◆A boy was wondering about a photog raph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying school bags with the caption at the bottom: “On T heirWay to School”. “I think it’s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I’msure!” the boy concluded.◆Geography teacher: “What is the cons equence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?”Student:“It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don’t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one m an could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an example.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you gi ve a familiar example of the human body th atadapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnn ie: “Yes, ma’am. My aunt gained 50 pounds in a year, and her skin never cracked.”◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good ex ample of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winte r.”◆Mary has been going to primary scho ol for a week. At the end of the first week her father asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for awhile and answered: “I like the break per iod best.”◆During the final examination, some pu pils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for th e class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher conside red it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declar ed: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for t he marks?” one pupil asked.◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her c lass.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma’am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher a sked again.” None, madam.”◆“What do you think of the relationshi p between ‘deceit’, ‘failure’ and’ success’?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,”but failure is the mother of success.” “So n o deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pup il.◆Teacher: “Why ar e you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”◆Phys. teacher: “Which travels faster, heat or cold?” Student: “Heat. You can catc h cold.”◆Math. teacher: “Now we find that X i s equal to zero. “Student: “Gee!All that wor kfor nothing!”◆Chem. teacher: “Can you tell me anyt hing about the great chemists of the 19th century?”Student: “They are all dead, sir.”◆Music teacher: “Who is the famous te nor in our city? And who is the famous bass?”Student: “When my father de nou- nce s me, he is a famous tenor. When he speak s to my mother, he is a bass.”◆“Who was the first President of the Uni ted States?” a history teacher asked one of her student. The student thought for a long time, but didn’t say any-thing. Then thet eacher got angry and shouted, ”George W ashington!” “Come back!” the teacher said,”I didn’t tell you to go.” “Oh, I’m sorr y,” the student said, ”I thought you called t he next student.”◆Medical prof: “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisoous mushr ooms ?”Student: “Recommend a change of d iet.”◆Literature prof. : “Tell me one or tw o things about John Milton.” Student: “Well he got married and he wrote ‘Paradise Lo st’. Then his wife died and he wrote ‘Paradi se Regained’.◆English prof. : “What is the difference be- tween an ac- tive verb and a passive verb ?Stud. : “An active verb shows ac- tio n and a pa- ssive verb shows passion. “◆Grammar teacher: “A noun is the na me of a per- son or a thing. Now, who can give me a noun ?”First pupil: “A cow.” Te acher: “Very good. Another noun?”Second pupil: “Another cow.”◆Prof. : “Before we begin the examinat ion are there any questions?”Stud. : “What’s the name of this course?”◆First student: “Did the music teacher act- ually say your voice was hea- venly?”Second student: “Well, she did say it was u-nearthly.”◆First student: “Which is the longest w ord in the English Language?”Second studen t: “I don’t know. Would you like to tell me what it is?”First student: It’s “smiles”. Seco nd student: “That isn’t very long. Only six l etters.” First student: “But there is a mile between the first and the last letters.◆Teacher: “Can you tell me what a fis h-net is made of?”Pupil: “A lot of little hole s tied together.”◆Once two pu-pils were tal-king about thesun and the moon. “Which of themis more useful?”asked one of them. The other an-swered, ”Oh, I know. The moon is. The moon is in the sky at nightwhen it is dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody wants it.”◆Voice on tele-p hone: “John is ill and can’t attend classes today. He re- quested m e to notify you.” Prof. : “All right. Who is this speaking?”Voice: “This is my roommate.”◆Prof. : “What are you reading. To m?”Stud. : “I don’t know.” Prof. : “You do n’t know?You were reading aloud, so you must know.” Stud. : “I was reading aloud, s ir, butI was not listening. “◆At a college examination a professor s aid: “Does the ques-tion embarrass you?” “Not at all, sir, ”replied thestudent, ”not ata ll. It is the answer that bo-thers m e.”◆Friend: “What is your son going to be when he’s passed his final exam ?”Father:“An old man.”◆Reporter: “What is the profe- ssor’s r esearch work?”Prof. ‘s house-keeper: “It consists principally in hunting for his spect acles.”◆“Professor, whydo you use threepairs of eyegla-sses?” “Yes, one pairfor long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to lo ok for the other two.”◆Teacher: “Billy, what’s a syno- nym?”Student: “It’s word you used in place of another one when you can not spell the othe r one.”◆Father: “Well, son , what’s your place on the school-list this month?”Son: “I’m twenty -sixth.” Father: “How many pupils a re there in your class?”Son: “Twenty-six. “(A month later)Father: “Well, son , what’s y our place on the list now?”Son: “Twenty- seven. Father: “How can that be?If I reme mber co- rrectly, there are only twenty-six i n your class.” Son: “Oh, no, we have a new boy now.”◆During a Christmas exam, one of the q ues-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam pap ercame back with the prof. ‘s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“◆The more we study, the more we kno w. The morewe know, the morewe forget. T he more we forget, the less we know. The le ss we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?◆The professorrapped on his rostrum a nd shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”◆“If the Deandoesn’t take back what he siad to me thismo ring, I’m goingto leave college.” “What did he say?” “He told me t oleave college.”◆The bright student looked long and th oughtfully at the second ex-amination question, which read: “State the number of t ons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “1492-none.”◆Prof. : “Wake up that student next to you.” Stud. : “You do it yourself, professor, you put him to sleep.”◆Prof. : “You can’t sleep in my class.”Stud. : “If you don’t talk so loud I could.”◆“Our economicsteacher talks tohimself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks weare listening.”◆“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind, ”said the teacher as he erased the blackboard.◆First stud. : “The dean says he is g oing to stop smoking in the college.”Second stud. : “Huh!Next thi ng he’ll be asking us to stop smoking,too.”◆Teacher: “A fool can ask more questi ons than a wise man can answer.”Stud. : “No wonder so many of us flunk i n our exams!”◆A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor, “Your last paper was very diffi-cult to read, ”said the profe-ssor, ”Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to under-stand it.” “Yes, sir, ”saidthe student, “w hat part didn’t you get?”◆The professor was delivering the final lec-ture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis onthe fact each sutdent should de vote all the intervening time preparing for t he final exami-nations.” “The examina-tion p apers arenow in the handsof the printer. Ar e there any questions to be asked?” Silen ce prevai-led. Suddenly a voice from the rea r inquired: “Who is the prin-ter?”◆Prof. : “Never mind the date. The ex amina- tion is more important.” Stud. : “We ll, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”◆Mary had beento school for the first t ime. “Well, darling, what did you learn?”asked hermother, when Marycame back hom e. “Nothing, ”sighed Mary hopelessly, ”I have got to go back again tomo-rrow.”◆One morning Professor Blankwas going to meet his studen-ts in the after-noon, so he wrote some words on the blackboard w hich read as follows: “Profe-ssor Blank will meet the class this afternoon.” Some stude nt, seeing his chance to dis-play his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked u p and erased the “C”in the word “class”. T he pro-fessor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “C”erased-calml y walked up and erased the“l”in “lass”, look ed at the flabbergastedstudent and pro-ceed ed on hisway.◆Teacher: “Henry, what are the three works which some of you use most often in class ?”Henry: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Correct.”◆Teacher.” Mary, why don’t wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.” Mary: “What was it?”Teach er: “Eggs.” Mary: “Wrong, tea- cher. That was yesterday.”◆Teacher: “What is an abstract noun,Jane?”Jane: “I don’t know, madam.”Teacher: “What, you don’t know ?Well, it’s the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. “Jane: “A red-hot poker.”◆First stud. : “How are a teacher anda railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don’t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. :“One minds the trains and the other tr ains the minds.”◆“Aren’t you ashamed of your-self, He nry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What’s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatth e worst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”◆Little Smith came home fromwith a n ew bookunder his arm. “It’s a prize, mother,”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many le gs anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. B ut all the pu-pils said four, so I was closes t.”◆An absent-min-ded professor was lectu ring on anatomy. “To show you more clearl y what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it ve ry carefully.” The professorunwrapped the p arcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwic h-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, b ut where is thefrog?”◆First stud. : “What did you do with t he cuffs I left on the table last night?”Secon d stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them t o the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the entire history of England was on them.”◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “N o mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-sw ered: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from colle ge?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”◆“Where have you been for the last fo ur years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”◆The much pre-occupied profe-ssor wal k intothe barber’s shop and sat in a chair n ext to a woman who washaving her hairbob bed. “Haircut, please, ”ordered the professor.“Certainly, ”said the barber. “But if you re ally want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The professorhurriedly r e-moved his hat. “I’m sorry, ”heapologized a s helooked around.” Ididn’t know there wasa lady present.”◆Teacher: “Didn’t Henry help you to t his sum?”Pupil: “No.” Teacher: “Are you su re he didn’t help you?”Pupil: “No, he did n ot help me, he did it all.”◆Teacher: “What do you call the last t eeth we get?”Pupil: “False teeth.”◆Geog. teacher: “What have the expedi tions to the North Pole accomplished?”Pupil:“Nothing execpt to make the geography less ons harder.”◆Teacher: “What ani mal is sa- tisfied with the least nou- rishment?”Robert: “The moth , teacher. It eats nothing but holes.”◆“What he shapeof the earth?”asked the tea-cher of Jane. “It’s round, ”Jane said. “How do you know it is round, Jane?” “Oh, it’s square. I don’t want tostart an argu-me nt about it.”◆A school tea-cher who had been telling a class of smallpupil the story of the disco veryof America by Columbus endedwith: “A nd all this happened more than 500 years a go.” A little boy, his eyes wide open with w onder, said after a moment’s thought: “Gee! What a good memory youhave got.”◆Teacher: “What are the pro- ducs of Cuba?”Boy: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Com e, come!Where do you get sugar from?”Boy:“We borrow it from the next-door neighbo ur.”◆Teacher: “The earth has a n attractive power;that power is known as gravity. It is, in fact, the law of gravity which prevents u s from being thrown off the earth as it revo lves.” Pupil: “Please, teacher, how did we ke ep on the earth be- fore the law was passe d?”◆Teacher: “In the o ld days men were often put in prison with- out any proper rea son;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad boy: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- ciz ed yester- day because I didn’t do my home work?”◆Teacher: “Tomm y, where was the Dec laration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”◆First pupil: “What word be- comes sh orter if you add two letters to it?”Second p upil: “Oh , I know. It’s” short”.◆Professor Blank: “Hasn’t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don’t think he intends to, because he’s studying for a bac helor’s de- gree.”◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “We ll, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New Y ork school. One day she said to herclass, ”N ow, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sa metime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearli er, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered,”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But th en, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because wh en it’s eleven o’clock here, it’s eight o’clock in LosAngeles.”◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shin gton noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Tea cher: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo-nument to it.”◆Stud. : “I’m in- debted to you for allI know.”Prof. : “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”◆During a na-tural historylesson at sch ool, Mary was asked to give the nameof an animal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar b ear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher fro wned repro-vi ngly.” Come, come!Mary, ”shesaid, ”Polar bears are not to be found in So uth Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that’swhy it would bepeculiar.”◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who’s a real know-it-all. So I told hi m no- body liked that attitu de. “Second stud ent: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of cla sses, studying, working and sleeping. He did not realize howlong he had neg-lected writin g his family untilhe received thefollowing not e: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed y our lastletter. Of course, we were much you nger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love D ad.”◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday hap pily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she st ayed be-hind and waited. “Why didn’t you g o with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked k indly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “Wha t did I do in school today?”The teacher laug hed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I’m going to go homenow, ”Mary a n-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose’s clas s said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man’s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I d on’t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Ro se!Men’s hair be-comes grey first because it’s sixteen years older than their mustaches a nd beards.”◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to ha ve your dad for class?”he was constantly as ked. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me all my life. I just never had to take not es be-fore.”◆Teacher: “What happens when there i s an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”。
英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦英语幽默笑话：海盗的财富"Ten steps from the porch(门廊) and twenty steps from the rose bushes," growled Bluebeard in Jimmy's dream one night. "There be treasure there! Aawrgh."So the ne某t day Jimmy began to dig. He dug until the hole was deep and the dirt pile was high.He kept digging. The hole got deeper and the dirt pile got higher.He dug until the hole was deepest and the dirt pile was at its highest. He sighed. "I'm too tired. I can't dig anymore." Then he spied something... but it was only one of Woofy's bones. Instead of treasure, all Jimmy had was a dog bone, a hole, and a big pile of dirt to fill it in with. He thought "That pirate lied to me!"But when Jimmy's mother saw what he had done, she clasped(紧抱，扣紧) her hands and smiled a smile from here to Sunday. "Oh, thank you, Jimmy. I always wanted a rhododendron(杜鹃) bush planted just there. Here's $5.00 for digging that hole."英语幽默笑话：委婉提醒Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for e某actly 35 years?" Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"婚后已久，我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。
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英语幽默集锦1、Never Let it Go Out概不外借Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely. "Yes,you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library."Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. "Why,certainly," Twain told him,"You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden."2、我忘了那人是谁A society youth writes ironically to the young lady in the case：“Dear Miss Smith，perhaps you remember I proposed to you last night，and I do not now recall whether you said yes，or no.”“Dear George，I remember I said‘no’ to someone last nigh t，but I had forgotten who it was.”我忘了那人是谁一个社交界的青年给一位年轻女士挖苦地写道：“亲爱的史密斯小姐，您也许记得我昨晚向您求婚，但我现在记不起您到底是答应了还是没答应。
”“亲爱的乔治，我记得昨晚是对一个人说了‘不’，但忘了那人是谁。
”3、汪汪叫的妻子A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.“When I was fi rst married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.”“I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”汪汪叫的妻子一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。
“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。
我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。
现在一切都变了。
我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。
”“我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。
“你得到的服务还是一样的呀4、好孩子Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so i nterested in the old woman?”“She is the one who sells the candy.”小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。
”他回答说。
“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。
可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。
”5、两只鸟Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。
谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
6、Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor,who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his t ime getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up th is morning.""That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。
他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。
他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。
”“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”7、Weather PredictA film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went upto the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."The next day there was a hailstorm."This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hirethe Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show upfor two weeks.Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I' m depending on you. What will the weather be like?"The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."天气预报一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴."印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."7、Did You Know Him?At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."你认识他吗？在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。