英语幽默小短文
关于幽默的英语短文精选
关于幽默的英语短文精选随着社会经济的发展和全球化的深入,学习者对于英语学习的要求也发生了变化。
英语越来越成为人们使用的一种工具。
小编精心收集了关于幽默的英语短文，供大家欣赏学习!关于幽默的英语短文：我家的聪明狗会买报纸A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration(演示) and handed the dog some money - The dog trotted(小跑) off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper.“How much did you give him?” asked the owner.“Five dollars.”“Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he goes to a movie.”聪明狗一位养狗人宣称：要是给了爱犬钱，它便会到报亭买份报纸来。
他的朋友坚持要来做个演示，并给了狗一些钱。
狗一溜小跑着去了。
但一个小时过去了，仍不见它带报纸回来。
“你给了它多少钱?”狗的主人问。
“五元。
”“这就是了。
你给它五元钱时，它就去看电影。
”关于幽默的英语短文：I know who god is!A boy says to her mother, Mom, is God a man or woman?The mom thinks a while and says, Well, son, God is both man and woman.The son is confused, so he asks, Is God black or white?The mother replies, God is both black and white, honey.The son, still curious, says after a while, Is God gay or straight, mommy?The mother, getting a little worried, answers, Son, God is both gay and straight.The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: Is God Michael Jackson?儿子：妈妈，上帝是白人还是黑人?妈妈：宝贝，上帝是白人也是黑人!儿子：那上帝是男人还是女人?妈妈：宝贝，上帝是男人也是女人!儿子：哦。
五篇英语短文抄写
五篇英语短文抄写1、幽默短文Five Hundred Times 五百遍In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。
女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。
法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。
在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。
2、幽默小短文I work for 7up"! 我可是在七喜公司工作呀Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm themanager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M 公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"3、An Unforgettable ChallengeWhen I was ten years old, I began to chat with foreigners. But I was veryshy. Gradually, I became more and more confident with foreigners’help. The following year, I went to Yangzhou with two foreigners. I became their guide. First, we came into the Shouxi River. They wanted to look around the river by boat. I told them the price. Then we got into the boat. When we looked out at the sight, we all felt very beautiful. After that, they went to buy souvenirs. The sellers couldn’t speak English. Though it was very hard, I tried my best to listen to their words carefully and translate the sentences. They bought some souvenirs with my help. Next, we went to a small zoo, and we took some photos. There were not many animals. When we felt hungry, we went out and had lunch. After lunch, we visited some old houses. They learned more about Chinese history. This wasn’t only a big challenge but also an unforgettable challenge. This opportunity made me confident and brave. I hope I can catch many opportunities in the future, then I can speak English, because I think practice makes perfect.4、My Favourite SeasonThe climate in our country is very pleasant. It’s always warm in spring, hot in summer and cold in winter.My favourite season is autumn, because it’s always warm in September and October. It’s often cold in November. It’s certainly interesting. Theother reason is the days are short and the nights are long. The sun rises late and sets early. I can do my favourite things in the evening. Autumn is a harvest season. I can make great progress in autumn. I like the golden season, and you?5、Go Out To TravelI went to three cities to play during last summer holidays. They are Beijing, Dalian and HuHehot. I went to Beijing more than eight times. Beijing is the capital of China. It’s a big city. I am very familiar with Beijing. It takes an hour and forty minutes from Nantong to Beijing by plane. There are many tall buildings in Beijing. It’s a modern city. My family visited the Great Wall, the Summer Palace, the Palace Museum, the Beihai Park, the Space Museum, etc. I went to the countryside of Beijing to go boating and fishing. It was very interesting. I went shopping in WangFuJing. I bought lots of souvenirs and other things. I like eating Beijing snacks. They are delicious. Don’t miss Beijing Duck. It is really nice. Dalian is a beautiful city. Dalian is close to Beijing. I spent 5o minutes on the plane. Dalian is near the sea. I smelled the salt in the air. The roads are clean. There are lots of trees and flowers near the roads. There are many esplanades and Japanese buildings. There are some fountains in one of the esplanades. Some people flew kites and walkedon the esplanades. We went to see the beach and the sea. The sea is blue. There were many swimmers in the sea. I lay on the beach to see the sky. Dalian is a very nice place to live in. Huhehot is in Inner Mongol. There are lots of large grasslands. The grasslands are endless. The sky is bright blue. There were a lot of horses and sheep. They were running or eating grass. I rode a horse on the grassland. I picked some colourful flowers. We drank tea with milk. There is a small desert, it was very hot when I walked on it. The sand could sing. These trips helped me open my eyes. I enjoyed my day.。
英语幽默小故事带翻译
英语幽默小故事带翻译英语幽默小故事带翻译（精选15篇）看趣味英语小故事学习英语,小朋友们你能从故事中学到什么呢?以下是小编推荐的英语幽默小故事带翻译，欢迎阅读!英语幽默小故事带翻译篇1WarningSeveral weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him. I was careful to call him a few days in advance to "warn" him that we would be coming. When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room. "Forgot we were coming, didn‘t you?" I tease d."Are you kidding?" he replied, "Why else would I have bothered to clean?"提醒我们的儿子是密歇根州阿尔马大学的新生，开学几个星期之后，我和丈夫决定去看看他。
我特意提前给他打电话，“提醒”他我们将光临。
但是当我们来到宿舍时，他的房间凌乱不堪，我非常吃惊。
“忘了我们要来，是吧?”我取笑他。
“开什么玩笑?“，他回答说，“要不我凭什么费神打扫?”英语幽默小故事带翻译篇2Ground RulesOne of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running."基本原则位于吉拉多海角的密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。
英语幽默小短文带翻译
英语幽默小短文带翻译一个真有幽默的人别有会心，欣然独笑，冷然微笑，替沉闷的人生透一口气。
小编精心收集了英语幽默小短文带翻译，供大家欣赏学习!英语幽默小短文带翻译篇1A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.一堆夫妇去中餐馆吃饭，点了一个“鸡肉惊吓”。
服务员上菜了，拿上来一个铸造的铁罐。
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.正当妻子准备开动的时候，罐子的盖子轻轻地升起来了一点，盖子又落下去前她只看到两只亮晶晶的小眼睛正四处看。
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.“天呐，你看到了吗?”她问丈夫。
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.丈夫没有，于是妻子让丈夫一直盯着这个罐子。
他伸出手去，而盖子又起来了，他也看到了那两只亮晶晶的小眼睛。
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation.他不安地叫来了服务员，告诉了他看到的事情，要求一个解释。
英语幽默故事小短文
英语幽默故事小短文下面是店铺整理的英语幽默故事小短文，欢迎大家阅读!英语幽默故事小短文：假如我是一个经理One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.一天课上，老师要同学们以如果我是一个经理为题写一篇作文。
所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。
老师走过去问他为什么不写。
我在等我的秘书。
那孩子答道。
英语幽默故事小短文：为什么不呼救Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢?男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。
英语幽默故事小短文：是我把他晾干Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office."Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。
又幽默又短的英语笑话
又幽默又短的英语笑话对于笑话，可能只是文字游戏，但有时它在人们解决生活中的困惑时起着重要作用，知道英语笑话有哪些吗?下面是小编给大家带来的又幽默又短的英语笑话_有趣的笑话英语小短文，以供大家参考，我们一起来看看吧!又幽默又短的英语笑话(一)一切都正常A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."又幽默又短的英语笑话(二)老谋深算There was a 75-year-old multi-millionaire who had just married a beautiful 18-year-old blond girl. So his friends asked him, "How did you manage to get an 18-year-old girl to marry you, when you're 75?"And the old man replied, "I told her I was 99, so she would marry me quick!"又幽默又短的英语笑话(三)吝啬鬼的聚会The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.""Why use my elbow and foot?""Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"又幽默又短的英语笑话(四)导盲犬帮我看A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store.The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."又幽默又短的英语笑话(五)林肯过生日Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.又幽默又短的英语笑话(六)三只乌龟Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee。
英语小笑话带翻译
英语小笑话带翻译英语小笑话带翻译（精选12篇）笑话具有篇幅短小，故事情节简单而巧妙，往往出人意料，给人突然之间笑神来了的奇妙感觉的特点。
下面是店铺为大家整理的关于英语的小笑话带翻译，欢迎大家的阅读。
英语小笑话带翻译篇1He is really somebody-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.-- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.他真是一个大人物-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。
干什么的？-- 墓地守墓人。
英语小笑话带翻译篇2Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。
在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
【好笑的英文小笑话短文阅读】好笑的笑话
【好笑的英文小笑话短文阅读】好笑的笑话笑话则映射出不同的社会生活,是各民族智慧的集中体现,反映了本民族的生活观和价值观。
小编精心收集了好笑的英文小笑话短文，供大家欣赏学习!好笑的英文小笑话短文篇1走私犯The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。
哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。
”What's in here?” he asked.里面装的是什么?他问道。
”Dirt,” the driver replied.土。
司机回答。
”Take them out,” the guard instructed. “I want to check them.”把袋子拿出来，哨兵命令道：我要检查。
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。
确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。
哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。
”What's in the bags this time?” he asked.这次袋子里装的是什么?他问道。
英语幽默小短文加翻译精选
英语幽默小短文加翻译精选幽默是人的本性，它或许可以改变一时的气氛，却改变不了一生的痛苦。
小编精心收集了英语幽默小短文加翻译，供大家欣赏学习! 英语幽默小短文加翻译篇1Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?Reggie: That's what I want to find out.里基：我们又得到了一条新狗，你愿意过来和他玩一会吗?罗恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人吗?里基：这正是我想要查明的。
英语幽默小短文加翻译篇2Professor: When is your birthday?Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什么时候?孩子：5月30日。
教授：哪一年?孩子：每年都是。
英语幽默小短文加翻译篇3DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework andsaw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim.What happened? Did your father help you?""No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it allmyself," said Tim. 你爸爸帮你了吗?一天，蒂姆的数学老师。
英语小短文
第一部分: 英文幽默故事(共13篇)1.PiccolaOnce there lived in France a little girl name Piccola. When she was very young, her father died, and her mother was very, very poor.One Christmas Eve Piccola said to her mother, "Mamma, will Uncle Santa come to our house tonight?" Her mother felt very sad and shook her head.Before she went to bed, Piccola took off her little wooden shoes and put them on the floor near the chimney. She said to her mother, “Perhaps Uncle Santa will come.”All was white with snow outside, and itwas very cold.In the night a little bird with a broken wing fell down the chimney and hopped into one of the shoes. V ery early in the morning Piccola woke up. She jumped out of bed and ran to look into her shoes.There she saw the little bird in one of the shoes. She picked up the shoe and ran to show her Christmas present to her mother. She said, "Santa Claus did not forget me, Mamma."2.Pandora's boxMany years ago all the word was very beautiful and nobody was ever sick or unhappy.At that time there lived a beautiful little girl named Pandora. One day gave her a wonderful box tied with a golden cord and made her promise not to open it. Pandora and her little playmate, Epimetheus, often looked at the box and wondered what was in it.For a long time Pandora kept her promise to the fairy, but at last she wanted to peep into the box. She untied the cord and lifted the cover only a little.Out flew hundreds of bad little fairies. They stung Pandora and she fell on the floor and screamed. They stung Epimetheus, too.Then they flew out of doors and stung all the children in the land. By and by Pandora heard a little voice crying, “Let me out, and I will help you,”She opened the box, and out flew a beautiful little fairy. She told Pandora that her name was Hope. She kissed her and Epimetheus, and made them well. Then away she flew to help the other children.To this day, when people are sick or unhappy, the good little fairy, Hope, comes to comfort them.3.The Crab and His Mother“My child,” said a Crab to her son, “why do you walk so awkward? If you wish to make a good appearance, you should go straight forward, and not to one side as you do so constantly.”“I do wish to make a good appearance, Mamma” said the young Crab; “and if you will show me how, I will try to walk straight forward.”“Why, this is the way, of course,” said the mother, as she started off to the right, “No, this is the way,” said she, as she made another attempt, to the left.The little Crab smiled. “ When you learn to do it yourself, you can teach me,” he said, and he went back to his play.4.The Wolf and The CraneOne day a Wolf, who was eating his dinner much too fast, swallowed a bone, which stuck in his throat and pained him very much. He tried to get it out, but could not.Just then he saw a Crane passing by. “Dear fiend,” said he to the Crane, “ there is a bone sticking in my throat. Y ou have a good long neck; can't you reach down and pull it out? I will pay you well for it.” “I'll try,” said the Crane. Then he put his head into the Wolf’s mouth, between his sharp teeth, and reaching down, pulled out bone. “There!” said the Wolf, “I am glad it is out; I must be more careful another time.” “I will go now, if you will pay me,” said the Crane.“Pay you, indeed!” cried the Wolf. “Be thankful that I did not bite your head off when it was in my mouth. Y ou ought to be content with that.”5. Handel, The MusicianLong ago they're lived in Germany a little boy named George Frederick Handel.He loved music and wanted to learn to play the piano, but his father wanted him to become a lawyer and would not let him take music lessons.There was a little, old-fashioned piano up in the attic. At night, when everybody was asleep, the little boy used to creep up the stairs and play softly to himself.When he was about seven years old, he went with his father to visit a wealthy Duke. The Dukelived in a beautiful palace with many large rooms. There was a wonderful organ in one of the rooms.While his father and the Duke sat talking, little Handel slipped away. He sat down at the organ and began to play. His little hands moved over the keys and the room was filled with a sweetest music.When he finished playing, he turned around and saw his father and the Duke looking at him. The Duke asked him where he had learned to play, and the boy told him about the piano in the attic.Then the Duke persuaded Handle's father to let him study music, and he became a famous composer.6.Fritz And The WolfFritz was the son of a farmer who lived in a lonely part of Russia. The rude cabin which was his home stood in a dark forest, several miles from the nearest village.One day Fritz was sent to the village with a letter. It was the middle of winter and the snow lay on the evening in visiting his friends. It was late, and the moon was up before he set out for home. When he was a short distance from his father's house, Fritz saw a dark object before him in the path.At first he thought in was dog. As he came nearer he found that is was a fierce wolf that stood in his way. Fritz knew that it would be useless to try to run away. He had to think of some other means of escape. He had heard that hunters sometimes escaped from bears by lying flat on the ground as if they were dead, and he thought he would try this plan with the wolf.Without a moment's delay, he threw himself down on the snow. The wolf came slowly toward him. It stood beside him for a minute. Quite still, and then began to sniff about him Fritz did not dare to move. By and the wolf reached his neck, and resting one foot on his body, looked at him closely. Fritz felt the water from the jaws of the wolf dropping on his face.“Death or life now！”said Fritz to himself. Quick as thought, he seized the paws which were resting on either side of his neck, drew them tightly over his shoulders, sprang up and walked off with the wolf hanging on his back. So tightly did he draw the wol f’s neck against his shoulders, that the animal could scarcely breathe and tried in vain to use its teeth. With its hind paws, however, it scr atched furiously at Fritz’s legs, and made it difficult for him to walk.At length with his strange load he reached his father’s door. “Father! father!” he cried, but there was no reply. Fritz was nearly tired out. He could not knock with his hand and he did not dare to lift his foot for fear of falling. All that he could do was to turn round and dash the wolf against the door with all his might. The noise awoke everyone in the cabin. “Father！”he cried again, “help, father! I have a live wolf.”The farmer lost on time in opening the door and stood, gun in hand, ready to shoot. “Do not shoot,” said the boy, “the wolf is on my back. The dogs! the dogs!” At this moment Fritz’s mother let loose two great dogs that were tied in the cabin, and that had been barking furiously.Suddenly Fritz threw the wolf from his shoulders, and the dogs, seeing the danger of their young master, flew at the wolf, and soon had it in their power. Fritz did not wish the wolf to be killed by the dogs, for then he could not say that he had caught a live wolf. As quick as thought he took a rope and tied it round the wolf's neck, at the same time telling his father to pull the dogs away.When this was done, Fritz put the badly wounded and much frightened animal into a box. There he kept it until, a short time afterward, a man came along and bought it to send to a menagerie. I suppose the wolf is still looking its white teeth to the crowds of boys and girls who go to look at the wild animals.7. The Priceless DogA lady was going by steamer from a city to another in America. On board with her were her baby boy and a maid. The maid was carrying the child in her arms.As the steamer came near to the landing-place, it began to slacken speed. The maid walked to the side of the vessel to look over, when all at once the child sprang out of her arms, and fell into the water below. The swift stream carried it quickly away.The mother was nearly wild with grief and fear. The sailors began to lower a boat. But everyone could see that the child would be drowned before the boat could reach it. What was to be done?Among the people on board was a gentleman who had been quietly reading in another part of the steamer. Hearing the cries of the mother, he came quickly forward and said, "Can you give me something the child has worn?"The maid gave him a tiny apron, which had been left in her hands as she tried to save the child from falling. The gentleman turned to a fine Newfoundland dog that stood near, looking up into his face. He pointed first to the apron, and then to the spot where the child had sunk.In an instant the noble dog sprang into the river. Y ou can think how everyone on board felt! Would the dog reach the child in time to save its life? Soon the dog was seen far away with something in his mouth. Bravely he swam against the strong stream, but it was feared that his strength would soon give way. More than one on board cried for joy as the boat reached him and the sailors drew child and dog from the water.When they were brought on board the steamer, the mother went first to her little boy to see that he was alive. Then she rushed forward, and throwing her arms round the dog's neck, burst into tears.She kissed his shaggy head, and said to his owner, "Oh, sir; I must have this dog! I will give anything for the dog that has saved my darling's life!"The gentleman smiled, and patted his dog's head, as he said: "I am very glad, madam, that Hector has been of service to you; but I would not part with him for anything in the world."The dog looked as if he knew that they were talking about himself. He gave his sides a shake, and lay down at his master's feet, with a look in his big eyes that seemed to say, "No, master, nothing shall part us!"8. Good For EvilOne evening a settler in the wilds of America was standing in his door. An Indian, who was tired and hungry, came and asked him for something to eat. The settler said sharply, “I have nothing for you.”The Indian then asked for a glass of milk, and the settler again refused. The Indian then begged for a little cold water, but the settler only answered roughly, “go away, you Indian dog!” the Indian fixed his eyes on the settler for a moment, and then turned away.Some days after that, the same settler went hunting, and lost his way in a dense wood, and wandered about till it grew dark. By and by he saw a dim light through the trees, and he went toward it. He found that the light came from the fire in an Indian hut.So he went up to t he hut, and asked the way to his home. But the Indian said: “it is a long way off, and the night is dark. Y ou cannot get home tonight. If you wander about in the wood, you will fall a prey to the hungry wolves. But if you don’t mind to stay with me for the night, you may.”The settler gladly accepted the offer of the kind Indian. And the Indian broiled some venison for him, and gave him clear water to drink, and then spread a warm deerskin for him to lie upon. Early the next morning the Indian called the hunter and said:” the sun is up. Y our home is a long way off, but I will show you the way.”The Indian shouldered his gun and went on ahead, while the hunter followed in his footsteps. They had traveled thus for many miles, when the Indian turned to the hunter on.”The Indian then fixed his keen eyes on the hunter, and said, “do you know me?”“I think I have seen you before,” said the hunter.“Y es, you have seen me at your own door,” said the Indian. “and now, at parting, let me give you a piece of advice. When a poor Indian, hungry and thirsty and faint, again asks you for a little food of drink, do not say to him---- go away, you Indian dog!”The settler felt very ashamed of what he had done, and begged the Indian to forgive him. He returned a sadder and a wiser man.9.The Maid Of OrleansAbout six hundred years ago there broke out great war between France and England.The English army invaded France and won a great many battles, and the French army was driven back again and again. The French soldiers were so discouraged that they were almost ready to give up.At that time there lived a poor peasant girl named Joan of Arc.One day while she was in the field watching her sheep, she heard voices speaking to her. They told her that she must go to the French army and lead it against the English. She believed that the voices came from Heaven and she fell on her knees and prayed.The next day she left her home and went to the Commander of the French army and told him the story of the voices. The Commander listened to her and believed her. He gave her a beautiful white horse and suit of white armor.When the soldiers saw her and heard her story, they followed her gladly to relieve the city of Orleans, which had been besieged by the English for some months and was on the point of surrender. But the French army fought so bravely that the English were beaten back.Since that time Joan was called the Maid of Orleans. Not long afterward Joan was taken prisoner by the English and burned at Rouen. She lived and died bravely, and all the world honors her.10. Going HalvesOnce an Italian nobleman was going to be married, and everybody at his castle was busy making preparations for the grand marriage-feast.Everything was ready, but one thing. The weather had been so stormy that no fish was to be had for love or money.On the morning of the feast, however, a poor fisherman came to the castle with a very large salmon on his back. It was so large that the man was sinking under his burden.The nobleman was delighted with the fish, and said to the fisherman, “ Name your price, and it shall be given you.”To the surprise of everybody, the fisherman said, “ My price, my lord, is one hundred floggings onmy back.”“What a nonsens e!” said the nobleman. “Y ou are joking, aren't you? Come, tell us quickly. How much do you want for the fish? ” Still the fisherman made the same answer as before.“Well,” said the nobleman, “this is a strange joke. But, at all events, we must have th e fish. So you shall have your price-(turning to his attendants)-only lay on the floggings lightly.”When fifty floggings had been counted, the fisherman cried out, "Stop! I have a partner in the business, and he must have his share!"" What!" exclai med the nobleman.“Are there two such madmen in the world? Where is your partner ? Bring him here!”“Oh!” said the fisherman, “my partner is no other than your own porter, my lord. He would not let me in, till I promised hem one half of what I should get for the fish, and so I must keep my promise.” “Aha!” said the nobleman, “bring the porter here right now.”The porter was brought, and received his full share of the floggings--and you may be sure that they were not laid on lightly this time.The porter was then discharged from the nobleman's service, and the fisherman was sent off with a handsome present.11.The Flower-bed's SecretOnce there was an English prince named Henry. His father, the King, loved him dearly, and tried to make him happy in every possible way.The King gave the Prince books, pictures, toys--- everything that a boy could wish for. And yet Prince Henry was not happy.The King gave the boy a pony, so that he might ride when he liked. The King also had a boat made for the Prince, so that he might sail on the lake in the King's garden.Y et, for all that, the young Prince was not happy. There was a frown on his face wherever he went. And all the time he was wishing for something that he did not have. One day a nobleman named Sir Arthur was sitting at the King's table. Then prince Henry happened to come into the room, with a sulky face, as usual.Sir Arthur saw the frown on the Prince’s face. He turned to the King, and said; “The prince seems unhappy, but I can make him happy. If you will send him into the country to live whit me during the summer, I will change his frowns into smiles.”“V ery good,” said the King, “please take him with you, and do what you like with him.” That very day Prince Henry went into the country with Sir Arthur."I have a flower-bed in my garden," said Sir Arthur to the Prince, "and that flower-bed can talk." "That is very strange," said the Prince. "What does it say?""It has a secret," said Sir Arthur, "and it tells its secret only to those who watch it every day. If you learn the secret, you will be happy every day in the year.""I should like to see such a flower-bed," said Prince Henry. "It is right under your very eyes," said Sir Arthur.The Prince looked, and saw a flower-bed which had just been made. But there was no flower, not even a leaf, upon it."Come and look every day, and by and by it will tell you its secret," said Sir Arthur.Prince Henry did as he was told. But, though he watched the flower-bed for many days, he did not hear it talk.The flower-bed was moistened, and the warm sun shone upon it.At last, one fine morning, he saw tiny plants coming up.Day after day he watched the plants, and he saw that these plants made lines, and that the lines formed such letters as spelling: DO SOME GOOD TO SOMEONEEVERY DAY.12.Silence Is GoldAt an Indian fair there was a merchant who had an elephant for sale. He saw an American who was examining it with very great care-walking round and round it, putting his head on one side, and taking in everything.The merchant went up to the American, and said, “Don't say anything about the elephant till I have sold it, and I will make you a present."“All right,” said the American.After the elephant was sold, the merchant gave him one-tenth of the price he had got for it, and said: “Now tell me how you found out that blemish on the left foreleg of the elephant. I thought it was quite concealed.”“Blemish !”said the American. "I never fo und any blemish."“Then, why did you examine the elephant so closely?” asked the merchant.“Because I had never seen an elephant before, and wanted to see what it was like,” said the American.13. A Strange V isitor(1)It was a railroad station in a far inland part of India. This railroad passed through a wild jungle, which swarmed with wild birds and beasts. People wondered why a track had been laid here at all.But Harry Simpson was very glad to get the position of ticket clerk at that railroad station. Living in England.One morning, when Harry arrived at the station, he found that his watch was too fast, and he had come too early half an hour too early. ”It is just like me,” he said to himself, “How ever, now that I am here, I will turn this half hour to account I will write to my mother. She is always glad to hear, from me.”So he sat down at his desk, and began to write and soon he was too intent on his letter to notice anything else. Meanwhile there was a stealthy step outside the door, and a heavy breathing came nearer and nearer. But Harry did not hear.However as something told him so he turned round and found the office door, which had been left open, pushed open, and---In an instant he found himself face to face with none other than the largest tiger he had ever seen in his life!(2)Harry Simpson was a cool fellow, and never lost his head. For one moment was enough for Harry, for he had time to jump into a small closet and to shut the door after him. Harry w ould have liked to lock the door, but the key was on the outside. So he could only hold to the handle of the door with all his might.He could hear the terrible invader snuffing on the other side of the door, and scraping the door with his huge claws. He was trying to force the door open.While the poor clerk was trembling in the closet, the tiger was not comfortable himself. The door had shut of itself behind him, and the window was guarded by strong iron bars. Mr. Tiger found that he was caught in a trap.Then the anger of the tiger changed into fear. He drooped his tail, and whined. He moved about the small room, and sought for some way of escape, but found none. At last he spied the ticket-window. He tapped the slide with his paw, and succeeded in pushing it open.(3)"Three minutes late! Why can't you open the office in proper time? Two first-class tickets to Ramgunga, and look sharp."This sharp speech came from an old English merchant with a red face, and the answer to it was--A roar which shook the whole building!The merchant had put his angry face close to the ticket-window. He suddenly saw the tiger's face just in front of his own!His Hindu servants were bringing in his baggage. When they saw the tiger, they threw down the baggage, and ran away, crying, "Tiger! tiger!""Hallo! what's the matter?" asked a man who had just arrived there. It was Major Jones, with his gun-case on his shoulder. When he heard another roar from the tiger, and saw the tiger's great head inside the ticket-window, he understood the whole story at once.He opened his gun-case in a hurry, and got out his trusty rifle. He loaded his rifle in an instant, and soon shot the monster through the head. The mighty beast fell upon the floor, and died after a short struggle."Many thanks, Major, many thanks for your timely rescue," said Harry Simpson, coming out of the closet."Don't mention it," said the Major. "Give me my ticket at once."第二部分普通故事(共15篇)Story 1 Three Little Pigs and a Big WolfOnce, a mother pig sent her three little children into the world. They needed to look after themselves.The first pig found some straw, and he built a fine house with straw, and he built a fine house with straw.The second pig built a house with wood.The third pig built a house with stone.One day, a wolf came to straw house, he was hungry.“Little pig let me in! I’m your brother.”“No, no! Y ou are a wolf.”Then the wolf blew down the straw house. The first pig ran to the wooden house.Then the wolf came to the wooden house, too. The two pigs ran to the stone house.The wolf came and blew the stone house. He blew and blew, but the house didn’t fall down. Then wolf was angry, he climbed to the roof and jumped down the chimney.The wolf fell into the pot! Ouch! He ran away.The three little pigs lived happily.故事1从前，猪妈妈把她的三个小孩打发出去，因为他们需要学会照顾自己。
有关英语幽默小短文演讲-英语口语演讲小短文
有关英语幽默小短文演讲:英语口语演讲小短文作为人类智慧和创造力的结晶,幽默广泛地存在于人类社会的各个层面,在我们的日常生活中起着不可或缺的作用。
小编整理了有关英语幽默小短文演讲，欢迎阅读!有关英语幽默小短文演讲篇一Old Farmer Johnson was dying.老农约翰逊就要死了。
The family was standing around his bed.他的家人都站在床边。
With a low voice he said to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。
”Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。
”Johnson: “But I want you to.”约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。
”Wife: “But why?”妻子：“为什么?”Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。
”有关英语幽默小短文演讲篇二A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金发女郎正走在公园里。
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird.突然，黑人女人发现了一只死去的小鸟。
”Awww, look at the dead birdie,” she says sadly.“哦!看这只死去的小鸟。
”她悲伤地说。
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, “Where? Where?”金发女郎停下了脚步，她抬头望着天空，问道：“哪，在那?”有关英语幽默小短文演讲篇三Psychiatrist: What’s your problem?精神病医师：你哪里不舒服?Patient: I think I’m a chicken.病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
英语幽默故事小短文
英语幽默故事小短文Once upon a time, there was a man who loved to tell jokes. He was known as the funniest person in his village, and people would gather around him just to hear his latest joke or funny story. One day, he decided to take his humor to the next level and try his luck in the big city.As soon as he arrived in the city, he started telling his jokes to everyone he met. At first, people laughed and enjoyed his humor, but soon they started to get tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again. The man didn't realize that he needed to come up with new material if he wanted to keep people entertained.One day, he came across a comedy club and decided to give it a try. He signed up for an open mic night and got on stage to perform. However, as soon as he started telling his jokes, the audience didn't find them funny at all. They were all bored and unimpressed with his performance.Feeling dejected, the man went to a nearby park to clear his head. As he sat on a bench, he noticed a group of children playing and laughing together. He couldn't help but smile at their innocence and joy. Suddenly, he had an idea. He decided to start telling his jokes to the children, and to his surprise, they found him absolutely hilarious.The man realized that he had been trying too hard to impress the wrong audience. From that day on, he became known as the best children's entertainer in the city. He would perform at birthday parties and school events, bringing laughter and joy to all the children he met.The moral of the story is that sometimes, we need to change our approach and find the right audience for our talents. Just because one group of people doesn't appreciate us, it doesn't mean that there isn't another audience out there who will love what we have to offer. We should always be open to new opportunities and never give up on sharing our gifts with the world. Laughter is a universal language, and there will always be someoneout there who will appreciate our sense of humor. So, let's keep spreading joy and happiness wherever we go!。
五篇英语幽默小短文带翻译
五篇英语幽默小短文带翻译1、Weather PredictA film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said,"Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.A week later,the Indian went up to the director and said,"Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm."This Indian is incredible," said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However,after several successful predictions,the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him."I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,"and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?"The Indian shrugged his shoulders."Don't know," he said."Radio is broken."天气预报一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴."印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."2、 A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died."All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?""Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
英语短文故事(幽默笑话)
英语短文故事短文一:The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." 短文二：During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1million U.S.The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.短文三：When I take a long time, I am slow.When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.When I don't do it, I am lazy.When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.I do good, my boss never remembers.When I do wrong, he never forgets.短文四：An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was inprison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."短文五:One day a little girl came home from school, and said to hermother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"The little girl replied, "My homework."短文六：While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，贼窝） . What is the big brass gong（锣） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!短文七：On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tellbrother Tom．”The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received something of a shock on reading the following：“Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．”短文八：One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it． A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．”“What do you think of that？” my wife asked．“I'm not sure，” Peggy replied．“I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear．”短文九：There was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he couldnot take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed．Later，however，she heard him weeping lustily in his bed．He was inarticulate with grief，but his brother explained that he was crying“about Paddy”．“But，” said the mother，“I told him about it this morning，and he did not seem to mind！”The brother explained，“yes，but he thought you said Daddy．”短文十：It was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met．“Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．短文十一：Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor．Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered．“ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．”短文十二：Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”“Yes，” said Landon，“he couldn't help it，for you willrecall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”短文十三："If you refuse to marry me," he swore, "I shall die."She refused him.Sixty years later, he died.短文一翻译：老师正在给学生上生物课：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。
超简短小笑话英语作文
超简短小笑话英语作文Super Short Jokes。
Super short jokes are a great way to brighten up your day. These jokes are so short that they can be read in just a few seconds, but they are still funny and entertaining. Here are a few super short jokes that are sure to make you laugh.1. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!2. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy!3. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!4. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!5. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well!These super short jokes are great for sharing with friends and family. They are also perfect for social media sites like Twitter and Facebook. So the next time you need a quick laugh, try one of these super short jokes. You won't be disappointed!My Super Short Jokes。
简短幽默双人英语小短文
简短幽默双人英语小短文笑话是内容丰富并具有出乎意料结尾的幽默口头故事。
笑话几乎涵盖人们生活的所有领域,其中包括政治笑话、经济笑话、家庭生活笑话、关于民族性格的笑话等。
小编精心收集了简短幽默双人英语小短文，供大家欣赏学习!简短幽默双人英语小短文篇1A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. 一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。
The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. 瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。
But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
简短幽默双人英语小短文篇2Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。
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英语幽默小短文Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!醒来！醒来！现在该吃安眠药了！The New TeacherGeorge comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?""I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"Another one said, "How do you know?"The first inmate said, "God told me!"Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"ImprovementOne student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."Half or Five Tenths?Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.The Reason of Being LateTeacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.When Do People Talk Least?Student A: When do people talk least?Student B: In February.Student A: Why?Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.The plural Form of "Child"Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?Tom: Men.Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?Tom: Twins.All Except the MusicA keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?""Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."My Sister's FingersTeacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.The Climate of New ZealandTeacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!LightningTeacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!Who Discovered Australia?Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It's there, sir.Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?Sammy: Johnny, sir.EssayTeacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."How Many Rabbits?Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?Jonathan: Nine, sir.Teacher: Nine?Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.To Go to HeavenSunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。
”疯人院一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"进步一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？”“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。
”半个还是十分之五老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘？杰拉得：我宁可要半个。
老师：仔细想想，说出理由来。
杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。
迟到的原因老师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到？约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校－缓行’。
人们什么时候说话最少？学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少？学生乙：在二月。
学生甲：为什么呢？学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
"孩子"的复数形式老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么？汤姆：男人们。
老师：答得好。
那‘孩子’的复数形式呢？汤姆：双胞胎。
除了音乐一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。