留学ESSAY College Essay

College Essay - Business Program Application: Edited Essay + CritiqueSample WorkWhen evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.PraiseThe below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:Hi... my name is XXX and I have used your services four times during the process of applying to XXX as an undergraduate business major. I am pleased to say that I was successfully admitted based on a strong appeal. I want to thank you VERY much for all the hard work that your staff put into helping me reach this very important goal in my life. I am the first in my family to go to college and I feel very fortunate to have had the assistance and support that EssayEdge's services have provided to me. In many ways, I feel indebted beyond the scope of payment for services rendered. The editing process not only helped me to gain admission, but it vastly improved the way in which I saw my own writing abilities. I feel my communication has been much clearer through the process of your staff's editing assistance, which will serve me well into the future. Again, I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to engage in this unique business and please let me know how I can be of any help to your staff. I will absolutely recommend this site to people in my circle both at my community college and at XXX, that is a guarantee.Unedited Version:Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please click here.Question: With on-line transactions being performed with ever-increasing frequency, hundreds of Web sites collect “personal” information about their customers on a daily basis.Do companies have an obligation to protect the privacy of their customers, or, conversely, do they have the right to collect and disperse consumer information at their own discretion? Should on-line privacy be regulated by governmental mandate, or is consumer protection the responsibility of the corporations and/or their customers?Given the Internet‟s borderless nature, many e-commerce companies are facing inconsistencies in the marketplace when is comes to regulations over online consumer privacy. Over the past decade, numerous surveys have been conducted internationally only to have found consistent and majority concerns about consumer online privacy. For example, Westin (1998) found that 81% of Internet users are concerned about threats to their privacy while online. While a more recent survey, by the Federal Trade Commission, of majore-commerce sites found that roughly 20% met FTC standards for protecting consumer privacy. The issue of online privacy seemed to reach peak levels when the European Unionexpressed deep concern last year that the U.S. standards of securing online privacy was too low. While the single-issue privacy concerns may be posting of privacy policies, freedom of consumers to limit use of their personal data, or the secure handling of all information given voluntarily or through the use of …cookies,‟ the issu e of online privacy is crucial to the development of the e-commerce industry. The Clinton administration has long been strongly advocated a laissez-faire approach despite a tough new European Union privacy directive that has threatened to disrupt electronic commerce between the United States andEurope. Although Clinton stated in a commencement speech at Eastern Michigan University last May, “We can‟t let breakthroughs in technology break down the walls of privacy.We must be able to enjoy the benefits o f technology without sacrificing our privacy.”Many online marketers have endorsed self-regulation, citing that federal intervention could ruine-commerce entirely. In the effort of scrutinizing the existing ‟self-regulation,‟ it is clear that the cons umer‟s groups and government are still weary of most of the privacy statements of major Internet companies mainly because they are contradictory, hard to find, and subject to change which is deficient of any mechanisms of enforcement or redress by law.A major concern of the e-commerce industry is that the difference of a normal company and an e-commerce one is the personalization that comes from knowing more about a user‟s needs and wants. The industry‟s response to the threat of consumer uprise and gover nment regulation has been significant in the efforts of the bigger corporations. Groups such as CPEX, Customer Profile Exchange, created a coalition of Internet companies that will try to assure privacy advocates and consumers that they will protect the information consumers share and companies exchange. Corporations such as Microsoft, AOL, AT&T, Dell computer, and Time Warner proposed model international rules designed to make Internet shopping more secure. Last year, the Better Business Bureau launched its new program for certifying and monitoring the collection of personal data online, which was a substantial attempt to link the go between consumer‟s privacy interests and business‟s practices.The program gives qualified companies an electronic seal for their Website, which verifies that they adhere to their stated practices about what information they collect from consumers and how it is used. The first company to display to the BBB seal was Dell Computer. Among other industry attempts to deal with the privacy issue was the development of software products that help consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites. For example, YOUpowered ™ not only helps consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites but also gives an individual the option of sharing the information or not. However, all of these industry accomplishments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct in November of 1999. Abacus is one of the country‟s largest catalog databases companies and in the purchase, it was revealed that for the first time, an Internet advertiser could match names along with other personal info to be anonymously collected online. The stock market was quick to praise this financial move as such information would become extremely valuable to companies that wanted to pitch their products to an individual within a short amount of time. After the FTC began to investigate the company‟s practices, the stock price fell immensely as investors speculated whether the government would become more intrusive than before.On May 22, 2000, three of the five FTC commissioners favored new laws to protect consumer‟s privacy online. While the FTC has recognized that the majority of large businesses have been getting the message of consumers and government interest, there are many more problems that arise with the inconsistencies of the smaller companies, and the overall distribution and sale of personal information to third parties. While widespread inconsistencies such as DoubleClick‟s acquisition of Abacus are very hard to ignore, many smaller and struggling Internet companies could find it detrimental to their success to comply with new rules. Despite all of the industry‟s attempts to self-regulate the consumer privacy issue, much of their findings are based upon the failure of sites to give consumers access to information that is collected about them. Both minor and major e-commerce companies have not entirely accepted this recommendation, in part because it is difficult and costly toimplement. Consumer advocates have also expressed dissatisfaction for those companies where, in companies that state their statements of …Privacy policies,‟ that the language of these cautions as ambiguous and confusing. For those that are also clear, the warnings and instructions are not standardized.Clearly, we need laws that regulate the truth in Internet communications between consumer and e-commerce without threatening or intruding on the rising e-commerce domains. In writing such laws, they need to balance both the First and Fourth amendment, the right of people to “be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects,” against the rights of corporate free speech. On one hand, I believe that if what a consumer has told about themselves has a market value beyond the immediate web transaction, then he/she deserves be explicitly aware of those intentions and can therefore opt-in or opt-out with sharing of their information to protect their individual privacy. On the other, I believe that it is also in the interest of the government to respect the newness and entrepreneurial visions of thee-commerce companies as they make their way into the new millennium. Overall, If the public continues to look to e-commerce as suspicious of false or misleading privacy issues, in the form of cookies or the sale of personal information to third parties, then the entire business of Internet advertising might be forced to change on it‟s own.By that time, the industry would take on the effect of doi ng …too little, too late.‟Much effort would have to be made in order to reestablish and secure the privacy interests of the public. It is far better to have a long-term standardization of privacy policies mandated by the government that will respect the integrity of the free markets while securing the public‟s concern for their privacy, in order to prevent any more disasters or compromising situations to occur in the future. By requiring the industry as a whole to have clear and standardized privacy policies, as adopted by the FTC, the reduction in conflict will provide much needed space and resolution for the rest of the millennium to flourish with innovative e-commerce business and personal products.CritiqueClick Here for the Edited Version.XXX,You have written a strong and detailed essay with many interesting points, and have structured your argument well. The essay‟s major flaws were its length and some scattered grammatical and stylistic problems. We cut the essay to the required 1000 words, removing about 200 words. In order to make your essay more smooth and compelling, we significantly revised much of the content; we made sure, however, to allow your own ideas and voice to remain intact.Your own vocabulary is strong, and your words well-chosen, yet we tried to broaden your diction and use more suitable words wherever possible. We also removed portions of sentences if we thought they were unnecessary or that they cluttered your ideas. On the other hand, we inserted some phrases and even entire statements to clarify your thoughts. Since you expressed dissatisfaction with your thesis and conclusion, you will find that we made some changes there (although we felt the conclusion was relatively fine). Awkward sentences were revised, and we varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing.There was a segment of the essay that concerned us. You state “These industr y developments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country‟s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would, for the first time, allow an Internet advertiser to match actual names with other personal information that is …anonymously‟ collected online.” Did this transaction indeed take place in 1999? At a later point in the essay, you refer to it again as though it did take place? Yet this quoted segment is confusing. If the transaction did NOT take place, you should rewrite it as follows: “These industry developments prevented a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country‟s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would have allowed, for the first time, an Internet advertiser to match actual names with other personal information that is …anonymously‟ collected online.”Please bear in mind that we have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you.We hope you continue to use our professional editing services, and we wish you the best of luck in your application process.Edited Essay:EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay with the edited version. We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.Given the Internet‟s borderless nature, many e-commerce companies find themselves facing inconsistencies in the marketplace regarding consumer privacy regulations. In the pastdecade, numerous surveys throughout the world have found widespread privacy concerns among consumers. For example, Westin (1998) found that 81% of Internet users express apprehension about entering personal data online. Moreover, a recent survey by the Federal Trade Commission revealed that only approximately 20% of major e-commerce sites met FTC standards for protecting consumer privacy. This issue seemed to reach peak levels when the European Union expressed deep concern last year that the U.S. standards of securing online privacy were too low.The issue of online privacy, whether it concerns the posting of privacy policies, the freedom of consumers to limit use of their personal data, or the secure handling of all information given voluntarily or through the use of …cookies,” is crucial to the development of the e-commerce industry. The Clinton administration has long been a strong advocate of a laissez-faire approach, despite a stringent new European Union privacy directive that threatens to disrupt electronic commerce between the United States and Europe. Clinton did, however, state in a commencement speech at Eastern Michigan University last May, “We can‟t let breakthroughs in technology break down the walls of privacy. We must be able to enjoy the benefits of technology without sacrificing our privacy.” Many online m arketers endorse self-regulation, citing that federal intervention could ruin e-commerce entirely. Yet close examination of the existing ‟self-regulation‟ reveals that consumer groups and the government are wary of most online privacy statements, mainly because they are contradictory, hard to find, and subject to change, which weakens mechanisms of enforcement or redress by the law. If protecting consumers is to be a priority among online merchants, significant, industry-wide change must take place in their privacy policies.The e-commerce industry maintains that the difference between a normal company and an online one is the personalization that comes from knowing more about a user‟s needs and wants. The larger e-commerce corporations have indeed responded to customer and government concerns. Groups such as Customer Profile Exchange (CPEX) have created a coalition of Internet companies that promise to protect the information that consumers share and companies exchange. Corporations such as Microsoft, AOL, AT&T, Dell Computer, and Time Warner have proposed model international rules designed to make Internet shopping more secure.Last year, the Better Business Bureau launched its new program for certifying and monitoring the collection of personal data online. The program gives qualified companies an electronic seal for their Website, which verifies that they adhere to their stated practices about what information they collect from consumers and how it is used. The first company to display the BBB seal was Dell Computer. Another industry attempt to heighten security was the development of software products that help consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites. For example, YOUpowered ™ aids consumers in evaluating privacy policies while giving each individual the option of sharing the information or not.These industry developments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country‟s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would, for the first time, allow an Internet advertiser to match actual nameswith other personal information that is …anonymously‟ collected online. The stock market was quick to praise this financial move, for such information is extremely valuable to companies that want to pitch their products to an individual within a short amount of time. After the FTC began to investigate the company‟s practices, its stock price fell as investors speculated that the government would become increasingly intrusive on business privacy issues.On May 22, 2000, three of the five FTC commissioners favored new laws to protect consumers‟ privacy online. While the FTC recognizes that most large businesses have begun catering to the privacy issue, many problems remain among smaller companies and the overall distribution and sale of personal information to third parties. While widespread inconsistencies such as DoubleClick‟s acquisition of Abacus are difficult to ignore, many smaller Internet companies could find it detrimental to their success to comply with new rules. Despite the industry‟s attempts to self-regulate consumer privacy, much of their findings are based upon the failure of sites to give consumers access to information that is collected about them. Both minor and major e-commerce companies have not entirely accepted this recommendation, in part because it is difficult and costly to implement. Consumer advocates have also expressed dissatisfaction with companies whose …privacy policies‟ are ambiguous and confusing. Moreover, those that are clearer lack standardized warnings and instructions.Clearly, we need laws that regulate security in Internet communications without threatening or intruding on the rising e-commerce domains. Such laws must balance both the First and Fourth amendments, the right of people to “be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects,” against the rights of corporate free speech. I believe that if a consumer‟s personal information has a market value beyond the immediate web transaction, then he/she deserves to be explicitly aware of and in control of the sharing of this information. On the other hand, it is also in the interest of the government to respect the newness and entrepreneurial visions ofe-commerce companies in the new millennium. Internet advertisers must remember, however, that if the public continues to suspect e-commerce of false or misleading privacy issues in the form of cookies or the sale of personal information to third parties, any efforts that the industry takes to win back the public‟s trust may be …too little, too late.‟ It is far better to launch along-term, government-mandated privacy policy than to stifle e-commerce with consumer privacy concerns. Government action would put consumers at ease and allow e-commerce to flourish with innovative business and personal products in the new millennium.College Essay - International Experience:Edited Essay + CritiqueSample WorkWhen evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.PraiseThe below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:I am just writing to let you know how pleased I am with the editing work by XXX. I did not know that my essay could be revised to sound this good. I was completely amazed when I received it, and I could not stop smiling! Thank you for being so attentive to details with a long essay like this. I really appreciated how you added in or took out sentences to make my essay flow better. Thank you so so much. I am hoping that EssayEdge can help me with another essay that I am working on. Thanks, again.Unedited Version:Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please click here.I was at the doorway of a 747 being ushered in by a stewardess to my seat. The chatting of people, seat belts clicking, and the overhead baggage made me dizzy, “NO” I was in shock.I sank into my seat and visions of the recent family decisions overtook me. I could not believe or understand the major decision was to relocate to India due to my Dad‟s job.Of course, there were grandma, uncles, aunts, and cousins, and there was that time when I visited with my family. My mind was puzzled and thoughts of leaving my suburban home, friends, and school soon welled my eyes and all I could do was cry silently.The flight was uneventful and after what seemed to be an eternity my mom, brother, and I were comfortably settled in gra ndma‟s home soon to be followed by my Dad.Although it was a sad time for me I saw and felt happiness all around me. My relatives were so enthused and began scheduling visits with realtors, and schools. There were days of shopping on the crowded streets with cars, bicycles, scooters, lorries, and bull-a- carts all striving for space to move in different directions. Amidst all this it dawned on me that I must make the best of the situation. I followed suit on a weekly occasion battled my frustrations with heated discussions with my mom. There was daily telephone calls- my dad keeping us abreast of all the happenings especially the sale of our house.The rattling sound of the fan, the music of the mosquitoes, and the occasional thunderstorms made the best grounds for all the beautiful memories that vividly haunted me each night. My mom‟s soothing tone that related experiences and possibilities of a move taught me to be patient and deal with the situation. Her voice stays clear in my mind and my heart, “it would teach me to appreciate all of life, it‟s culture, make me a mature person, and that I will never regret the move and it‟s experience.”Pacing a muddy dirt road, with rain and a cold wind was all worth it when I saw Dad pushing his cart and waving toward me. The smile on his face made me promise, “I would do anything for my Dad” as he would never do anything to jeopardize my life.So our home was sold and our belongings in a storage. Finally, we were a united family though 10,000 miles from what I knew was home and we made Grandma‟s home our temporary home.Soon telephone calls began between India, New York, and London. Oh Yes! Dad heard that the job in India was stricken due to company issues and instead he must go to London. My eyes began to twinkle, yes; London would be easier to live than India. My feelings were short lived and my heart was heavy, there was sudden sadness among members of the family especially grandma, and Mom. Once again Mom put up a brave front and said, “ we shall go anywhere, it will be a new experience for us.”There was hugging, crying, paying salutations to all the elders, and familiar sounds of clicking seat belts and the sight of puffy white clouds.The gray skies, cool breeze and orderly traffic assured me that I could handle thislife. Hearing the British accent made me tingle all over, similarities and differences were running amuck with questions popping up especially of school.A pair of neatly pressed gray slacks, a striped burgundy shirt: highly polished burgundy colored shoes took me to the American School in the heart of London. I caught sight of the leaf covered basketball court while entering the school. Trophies adorned the lobby both academics and sports thrived hand in hand. The small school seemed to function similar to my old school. I gathered all the information and was ready to take the new plunge.The cold London air felt good and cleared my head to some degree. Once again, I decided to make the best of it and hit the town. I felt like a tour guide dragging my family to the Buckingham Palace, were I was not able to get a glance of the Queen over reams ofheads. A sudden sound of the Marching Band made us turn our attention to their precision and beauty. The soldiers on horses, the deep waters of the Tames River, the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, the Big Ben, Hyde park, and the Shakespearean Theater were remarkable sights and I was a pure tourist and did not think of the bureaucracy that was involved in moving to a foreign country.Soon paper work was to be exchanged, passports, visas, and formalities taken care of. In a few weeks, I would begin school in London. It was too good to be true, the final verdict arrived, visas would take three to six months, my Dad‟s office situation was n ot suitable and he was told now that the move would be to Chicago or Atlanta.Huddled on the bed in a London Hotel room, tempers flared, followed by questions, frustrations, and sometimes feelings of adventure and wonderment. “What is goingon?”“What should we do?”The next things I know our passports were being stamped with a familiar voice talking about the New York Yankees. My body was limp and refused to be excited or perhaps it was relaxed with the thought of being in New York.The sweat on my eyebrows, my sticky hands, the humid air, the scorching August temperature felt exuberating and my heart began to thump-YES! I was home. Taxis honked, herds of people went about their business, only standing room in the subways, Ah the New York accent, I took it all in and never wanted to lose it again. I surely identified myself as a true New Yorker. All this quickly ended when we were on our flight to the Windy City and then to Dixie Land.The clean tree lined streets, the summer air led us to house hunt in the suburbs of Chicago and decide on schools after an abundance of research. Another plane ride and we were in Atlanta and I was now numb from traveling and my mind a blank.After a short and restless night‟s sleep I found myself in front of the mirr or fixing my scrunched up collar for another school visit. I had ample of school information to spin me around the globe. Somehow, all this came to a pleasant halt, at my Dad‟s friend‟s home.The smiles, the welcomes, the sounds of laughter, willingness to put us up, the simple humbleness and respect was our decision-makers. The Big jigsaw Puzzle of our lives was completed. We would make our new home in Dixie Land. Dad had a smooth transfer and continued with his job with the same standings as in New York. I would be a junior at Pope High School in Marietta, GA.The foyer was bright, the sun made the crystal on the chandelier reflect on the walls. The sight of the blue sky with the sight of occasional birds flying; the crispness of an almost new house became our new HOME. We began our new lives and it continues without and inkling of any regret.CritiqueClick Here for the Edited Version.Hi XXX,Your essay stands out for its unusual subject matter, for the ample strength and adaptability of your family, and for its happy ending. That said, there are a number of problems. For example: as written, the essay doesn‟t give the reader the payoff that might beexpected. Specifically, how did the summer change you? What did you gain from your experiences? We drew some general conclusions in our edit, but ultimately these are elements that you alone can insert into the essay to strengthen the impact of the piece. There were also some details that were cleaned up, such as run-on sentences and grammatical errors. We varied the sentence structure, and the arc of the essay was altered to add some drama and suspense to your tale of world travel.Some loose ends still need to be taken care of. For example, did you live in New York State before you moved to India? From your comments about returning to New York, it appears so, but it‟s never stated outright.You ought to make reference to the place you left behind when you began your journey. Also, it seems like you‟re straining to make a connection to New York City, in order to imply that you‟d be happiest at a school like XXX.If you‟d like to make this point, the end of the essay might lend itself to this purpose. Please read over the edited ending, and see if you want to insert a XXX reference here.。