小学生英文笑话

Dead GoldfishLittle Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?""My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."Team SpiritAt one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"The little boy nodded in the affirmative."Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"The little boy nodded yes."So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"Again the little boy nodded."Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."Ugly FaceFinding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was achild, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I wouldstay like that.Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werentwarned.Two CowsA farmer had a brown cow and a white cow, and he wanted to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.He told his son to watch and tell him when the bull was finished.After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking to some friends."Say, Pop", said the boy."Yes", replied the father."The bull has just screwed the brown cow!".There was a sudden silence in the conversation. The father asked his friends to excuse him for a moment, took his son outside and said:"Son, you musn't use language like that, especially in front of company. You should say that the bull 'surprised' the cow. now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'surprises'the white cow".The father went back inside the house.After a while the boy came back and said "Hey, Daddy!"."Yes, son, did the bull 'surprise' the white cow"?"He sure did, Pop! he screwed the brown cow again!"Wake Up!_A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"Sick In ChurchA little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill. "Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl."No." replied Mom."I think I'm gonna throw up.""Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."A few moments later the girl returned to her seat."Did you throw up?" asked Mom."Yes.""How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?""I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."Sunday SchoolThere was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."''Why?' asked the head nurse."Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."Birds And BeesLittle Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now thatgrown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"Baby BellyA three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "Im having a baby."With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"She said, "He sure is."Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"Staying FatA little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."The boy says, "That won't work."His mom says, "Why?"The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"Bad LanguageYoung Justin has a cursing problem, and his father is getting tired of it. So he decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”Who Is Stupid?One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up."Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."What Do You Get?A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?""Jewellery, dear."Pushing ItLittle Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?""But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!""Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!""But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"Problems In MathsLittle Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No"."Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.Like The Way You ThinkTeacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"Little Johnny:- "None Miss".Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."。