英文笑话

Ten CandiesMother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”“Ten.” Jim says.“Then,” Mother asks.“Yes, Mum. Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach. Four and six is ten, isn’t it right?”There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There werethree parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That’s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do tha t makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on. That’s why he’s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” T he owner of the shopsaid, “I don’t know. Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all! But the other two call him ‘The Boss.’”Where is the egg?Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"?Student:In the cake,Sir.Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old. Once he goes to a cinema. It is the first time for him to do that. He buys a ticket and goes in. But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket. Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket. But a girl asks him, “Why do you buy s o many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.Man:He is really somebody.What does do?Child:A maintenance man in a cemeteryTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate. Sometimes the kids think they fall in lov e when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they’re eight or ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don’t know, son. I’m still paying.”"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy."DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"Story 1 I Don’t Like HerBob goes to a new school.One day he comes back, “Bob, do you like your new teacher?” his mother asks.“I don’t like her, Mother. Because first she says that three and three is six, and then she says that two and four is six, too.”Story 3 Count Tomorrow MorningIt’s a ri ght. John is looking at the sky.Tom is John’s younger brother. He asks John “What are you doing?”John says, “I’m counting stars.”Tom laughs and says, “It’s really dark now. Why not count them tomorrow morning?”Story 4 Are Flies Yummy?Tony and his father are eating dinner.Suddenly Tony asks his father, “Dad, are flies yummy?”Dad frowns and says, “No, I think it’s yucky. Why do you ask me this question? It’s a silly question.”But Tony says, “ There was one fly in your plate.”Story 5 I Don’t Want to Walk HomeTom is a very old man. After dinner, he likes walking in the street. And he goes to bed at seven o’clock.But tonight, a car stopped at his house. A policeman helps him get out. He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street. He asked me to take him in the car.”After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night. But tonight you can’t find the way, what’s the matter?”The old man smiles like a child and say s, “I couldn’t find my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”Story 7 It’s Good to Admit a FaultJohn is not a “good” student. He always sleeps in the class. Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom. Look! Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me. I was not making a face. I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um. Not bad. You can admit your fault. You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.Story 9 Covering One’s Ears While Stealing a BellMr. Wang thinks he is clever, but he always does foolish things.One day he sees a beautiful bell at the top of a door. “Oh! How nice! I will take it home.” He thinks, “What can I do?” After a while he has a “good” idea. “Aha! I have an idea now. I can plug my ears. Then I will not hear the ring when I take off the bell.”Then he does so. But as soon as he takes off the bell, the owner opens the door. “What ate you doing?” the owner says angrily.Story 14 I can’t Cook ItIt’s sunny day in spring. Miss Cat is fishing. Suddenly the fishing rod moves. “Great! Oh, it’s so heavy!” Miss Cat says happily.The fish is plucked out of the river. “Oh, a big fish! How big the fish is!” She cheers. But she puts the fish into the river and goes on fishing.At the time Mr. House goes by and sees it. “What do you set it free?” He asks. “Because my pot is too small. I can’t cook it,” Miss Cat says.Story 15 That Is Not My Dog!A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a cute little dog. She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bit.”The woman tries to pet the dog and the dog bites her.“Ouch!” She says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”。