雅思6分 大作文范文参考

●批改By Will

本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项：TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

●文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

In recent years, medical care has been increasingly advancing which (注意你指的是前面一整段话，which前要加逗号改为非限制性的。) results in the much longer life span than ever before. This brings both strength and drawbacks(你每次写strength和drawback这两个词的时候最好把对象也说出来：This not only strengthens our entire species in terms of physical condition, but also brings a number of drawbacks to our community at the same time.). In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

Admittedly, the increase of life expectancy will individually improve the sense of happiness (用词改进：may lead to a higher satisfaction of life). When one has the opportunity to enjoy the longer life, that means much more time can be spent with their family members. In addition, as the medical care advancing (用词改进：the effect of such advancement reaches far beyond expectancy. In other words, not only... ), not only a much longer life but also a much healthier life would be achieved for everyone. Then people are highly likely to retire from work later than once did, accompanied by creating more value for the whole society. For example, as one aging, he becomes increasingly experienced in terms of special filed which he is always involved in. if the retirement time is prolonged, economical or social value will be continuallyavailable. (这个太像解释了不是例子，不是实际生活中发生的而是你的推测。如果想不出新闻之类的话，你可以举一些年龄越大贡献越大的职业，例如：Accountants, scientists and engineers)

However, there are a number of downside risks which cannot be ignored. One of the major drawbacks is that the increasing number of people caused by the much longer life span will lead to the shortage ofresources. This can be clearly demonstrated by the fact that (注意你后面讲的不是一个fact，而是一个possibility，这个句型可以改为：As a consequence, it may be very possible that)much less resources such(as)investments of children’s education and complete traffic system are available for citizens resulted from more fringe benefits for the elderly who live longer lives. Another adverse aspect is that there are much less space for people to live in. Because the birth rate is higher than the death rate caused by the increasing life expectancy (这个观点稍稍偏了，出生率更多是由生活保障比如工资福利等引起的。所以人口数量只是暂时或者不应该是问题，问题在于：Aging population-人口老龄化). What is worse, the consequent increase of environment pollution and traffic congestion can exert undesirable effects on people’s daily life. As we all know, the pollutants and wastes brought by daily life will

climbed (原型) with the number of population jumping. There is no doubt that people are more easy likely to (would be more likely to) get struck in traffic jams when the figures of people and vehicles become more.

没有结论？

总评6.0 （TA5.5 CC6.5 LR6.0 GRA6.5）

1.内容上必须要有一个结论，这是六分以上的必须要求。

2.反方的坏处还可以考虑：aging population; burden on government in providing social security for all等

3.词汇的重复性依旧稍稍强了，不过基本准确。

4.语法变化运用不错。从句和分词等数量足够，可以尝试倒装。