TED英语演讲：培养出成功的孩子

TED英语演讲：培养出成功的孩子
You know, I didnt set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, Im not very interested in parenting, per Se. Its just that theres a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impending their chances to develop into themselves.
我并不准备成为育儿专家。

事实上，我对育儿本身也不感爱好。

只是这些天有某种育儿风格的消失，是不利于孩子成长的，而且阻碍了他们进展自己的时机。

There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.
某种育儿风格的消失正阻碍着孩子的成长。

各位我要说的是，我们把大量的时间花在关心哪些父母没有足够的参加孩子的生活中，他们的教育或者抚养中，理应如此。

But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn, and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some
small subset of colleges and careers.
但从另外一个极端来说，这样做会有许多的害处，父母认为他们的孩子不会胜利，除非有父母事事的保护和阻挡，对每件事的权衡，围观管理每个时刻并引导他们对高校和职业的选择。

But not just the grades, the scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don’t just joi n a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
但不仅是成果和分数，更是获得的表扬和奖项，还有运动活动上的，领导力上的荣誉。

我们告知他们，别参加俱乐部，自己创立了一个，由于高校想看到这个，然后检查信箱关于社区效劳的信息。

我的意思是，展现给高校看你是关心别的。

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection. We were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principle and coach and referee and act like our kid’s concierge and personal handler and secretary.
这样做都是为了到达某种完善程度的期望值。

我们期盼小孩表现出肯定程度的完善。

却没有要求自己本身去做到，由于我们认为这
样做太多必要性了，我们曾与每一位教师，校长，教练，裁判员理论
过表现的像是小孩的看门人，私人管家和秘书。

And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
当我们的孩子，最爱的孩子在一起时，我们依据状况花大量的
时间催促，诱骗，示意，关心，争辩，唠叨，来确保他们不搞破坏，不关门，不毁他们的前途，寄予盼望他们能上几乎否认每位申请人的
为数不多的高校。

And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, com es from A’s. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show-coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.
他们从我们脸上看到我们的认可和爱，拿A时是特别有价值的。

于是我们走在他们身边，赐予他们咯咯的表扬，像西敏市犬展里的训
练员一样，哄他们跳得更高和飞得更远一样，日复一日这么做。

And when they get to high school, they don’t say, ‘ Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?’
They go to counselors and they say,’ What do I need to do to get into the right college?’
好吧，要是我对学习或者某种活动感爱好呢?他们会找到参谋并说，“要上到好的高校，我需要做点什么?”
And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they’re getting some B’s, or God forbid some C’s, they frantically text their friends and say, ‘Has anyone ever gotten i nto the right college with these grades?’
高中成果消失波动的时候，他们拿到的是B或者C，他们火急火燎地发短信给他们的伴侣并说道,“有人以这种成果上到好的高校吗?”
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little burned out. They’re a little old before their time, wishing the grow-ups in their lives had said,’What you’ve done in enough, this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.’ 我们的孩子，不管他们是从哪所高中毕业，他们喘不过气来，他们简单生气，他们有点精疲力尽了。

他们年长了一些，并盼望大人们说你所做的已经足够了，你童年所付出的努力已经足够了。

But if you llok at what we’ve done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that
when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our ow n version of the movie ‘Being John Malkovich,’ we send our children the message: ‘Hey kid, I don’t think you can actually achieve any of this without me.’ 但假设你看看你所做的，假设你真的有士气看的话，你会觉察孩子认为，他们的价值不仅仅来源于成果和分数，并且我们许多时候存在于他们珍贵，正在形成的思想中。

就想电影约翰.马尔科维奇的自己版本，我们向孩子传递这样的信息：我认为你要有我时你才能完成这些。

So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they hav to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves。

所以简洁地来说，假设我们的孩子建立了自我效能感，那么他们必需做出更多人生的思索，打算，确定，活动，盼望，应对，试错，梦想，和自己的经受。

Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of
childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that ’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids.
如今，我说的是每位孩子都很用功和有上进心，不需要父母的参加或对他们的人生感爱好。

我们只需要退后和放手?明显不是。

这不是我说的。

我要说的是，当我们把成果和分数，荣誉和奖项作为孩子童年的目的时，寄予盼望他们能进入为数不多的高校和某个职位时，那么以这种定义孩子的成败太狭义了。

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help-what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of se lf. What I’m saying is , we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
尽管我们通过过度帮助实现了他们的短期成功，就像我们帮助他们做作业可能拿到更高分，在我们的帮助下他们可能会以更长的童年履历完毕，我想说的是全部这些长期的代价，需基于自我意识。

我想说的是，我们需要赐予更少的关注，对于他们详细可能会申请哪所
高校，参加赐予更多的关注在他们形成的习惯，心态，技能，安康，无论他们去哪儿都能胜利的力量。

What I’m saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.
我想说的是，我们的孩子需要我们对他们的成果和分数少一点关注，对他们的童年多一份关心。

为他们的胜利供给根底，比方在爱和家务活。

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here’s why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having dong chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves.
我说家务活了吗?我说家务活了吗?我确实说了。

缘由如下，有史以来最长的纵向人类学讨论是哈佛格兰特讨论。

讨论觉察生活中的职业胜利，是我们想让孩子得到的。

生活中的职业胜利来自于孩子从小做家务活，越早开头越好，卷起衣袖。

And pitch in mindest, a mindse t that says, there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be
me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.
一种出一份力的'心态，有些不尽人意的活，不得不去做的，这个人可能是我，我将奉献我的努力去改善，这点会使你在职场中遥遥领先。

Now, we all know this. You know this. We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves, and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
如今，我们都知道这点，你也知道。

我们都知道这些，然而在清单式童年中，我们不要孩子来做家务，他们最终成为职场中的年轻人，照旧等待着不存在的清单，更重要的是他们缺乏冲动，卷起衣袖的本能，奉献一份力气并环顾四周想知道，怎样我才能有所作为?我怎么能提前预报几步知道老板需要什么?
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grand Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of
work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
哈佛格兰特讨论中其次个特别重要的觉察是生活中的欢乐来源于爱，不是对工作的爱，而是人与人之间的爱：我们的爱人，伙伴，伴侣，假设。

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and the they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and they won’t themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.
因此从小需要教孩子如何去爱，假设不首先爱上自己，就不能爱别人，假设我们没有供给无条件的爱，他们就无法爱自己。

Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores, when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye, and let them see the joy that fills our faces, when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
因此与其沉迷于成果和分数，当我们最爱的孩子放学回家时，或者我们下班回家，我们需要关闭设备，放下手机，看着他们的眼睛，让他们看到我们满脸的欢乐。

And then we have to say,’ How was your day? What did you like about today?’ And when your teenage daughter
says,’Lunch,’ like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, ‘What was great about lunch today?’ 我们应当说，你今日怎么样啦?今日你喜爱的事情是什么?当你
女儿说，“午餐，” 和我一样，我想听的是数学测验而不是午餐，
你应当仍旧把留意力放在午餐上。

你要说“今日的午餐好在哪里啊?” They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA. All right, so you’re thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sort of.
他们需要知道他们对我们来说很重要，这并不是由于他们的平
均成果。

如今你正在想着家务活和爱。

这听起来不错，但让我休息一下。

高校想要看到高分数好成果和荣誉奖项，我想说的是，在肯定程
度上是。

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe-you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life.
最知名的名牌高校会问年轻人，但这里有好消息。

相反美国高
校排行榜让我们信任-你不肯定非要去最知名的一所高校才算得上欢
乐和胜利。

Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
欢乐和胜利的人们去公立学校，去一些没人听过的高校，或者社区高校，来到高校，考试不及格。

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world, if our kids don’t go to one of those big brand-name schools.
证据就在我们这里，在我们的社区，这是事实。

假设我们可以拓宽眼界，并愿意多看几所高校，或许能从这种状况中消退自我，我们承受这个事实并意识到，假设我们的孩子不能上名牌高校，这不是世界末日。

And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived, according to tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
更重要的是，假设他们的童年不是遵循残暴的清单，那么当他
们上了高校，无论哪一所高校，他们是靠着意志力取得的，由他们自己的渴望促成，有力量强健成长。

I have to admit something to you. I’ve got two kids I mentioned, S awyer and Avery. They’re teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees-that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human one of the most highly selective colleges.
我不得不向你们成认，之前提到的那两个孩子索耶和艾佛利。

他们是青少年，曾经几何，我认为我对待索耶和艾佛利像小盆景，我要认真修剪形成某些人类的完善形式，其中一所名牌高校。

But I’ve come to realize, after working with thousands of other people’s kids-and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren’t bonsai trees. They’re wildflowe rs of an unknown genus and species-and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.
但我已经意识到，在与成千上万个孩子一起工作后，并自己培育两个小孩，我的小孩不是盆景数。

他们是未知物种的野花，我的工作是供给养分丰富的环境，从家务活和爱他们中让他们变的更加顽强，因此他们能爱别人并承受到爱，对于高校，专业，职业，这取决于他
们。

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.Thank you!
我的工作不是使他们成为我所想的模样，而是支持他们成为最好的自己。

感谢。

拓展：胜利教育孩子的方法
(一)从生活中了解孩子
如今许多家长认为孩子比以前难管了，对于教育孩子感到束手无策，不知道如何去教育自己的孩子。

孩子的独特是不完全相同的，有的孩子比拟聪明，总认为自己的智力比别人高一等。

爱耍小聪明，往往有了一点小成果就翘起了尾巴。

还有的孩子天生依靠父母，往往家长给孩子辅导或坐在身边，这样孩子就能完成作业，还有许多事情我就不多说了。

(二)从教育角度上了解孩子
孩子的好坏许多都受到家长本身的影响，有的家长往往拿别人家的孩子做个比拟，往往唠叨你看看谁家的张某某考了第一，谁家的孩子上了什么高校，你没有看到自己家孩子的优点，往往孩子自己很努力也很刻苦，让你几句话消除了孩子的主动性。

如今的孩子都是需要鼓舞，他们的心里多么想也得到认可，往往教师和家长的一句话能造成孩子的逆反心理。

以至孩子破罐子破摔，不爱学习了。

我们应当如何去面对这个问题，如何去解决这个，这个是关键。

作为我们家长
首先要信任孩子是最棒的，不管孩子学习的好坏，取得一点的学习进步都要鼓舞他，信任他，认为你行，你就行。

这样才能慢慢地孩子懂得学习爱好。

往往学习都是从感爱好来学习的。

孩子这门成果不好，不见得别的成果不好。

要依据每一个孩子的特点来认可孩子。

在我们的心里每一个孩子都有自己的闪光点。

(三)从心理素养上了解孩子
培育一个孩子首先从孩子心理素养来认可，心理素养的好坏确定孩子将来能不能适应这个社会。

生活的道路往往不是一帆风顺的，往往如今的孩子内心世界受不到任何的挖苦和打击。

如今的孩子都是独生子女，我们做家长的都很溺爱自己的孩子，孩子本身依靠父母心理比拟强。

往往从一点小事能觉察孩子存在许多问题。

你想想你如今成天陪在孩子身边，莫非你能跟孩子一辈子吗？我们应当让孩子学会学习，要擅长思索问题，多问几个为什么来对待问题。

(四)从学校教育和教师
往往孩子需要和教师、家长常常沟通，如今上初一的孩子就有到了青春期，这个时期的孩子逆反心理更严峻，你说一句，他可能十句在等着你，往往战火就在这里发生。

作为一个家长首先自己要心平气和，不能打骂和唠叨来墨迹给孩子，那样的效果我想你们都能知道。

学习的方法许多，往往每次考试错的题，每个家长抽出点时间给孩子单独写在别的本子上，过几天在重新做，往往这样的作用使他的成果上升很快。

教育的方式许多，方法都是自己来查找的，你看你用什么方法来适合自己的孩子是最主要的。

各位家长在对待孩子时肯定协作教师、学校、生活来启发孩子的思维，不要由着自己的思路走，有时听听专家怎么分析孩子的心理和教育，你同时也会有很好的启发的，做一个好的家长就得投心实地去和孩子沟通和沟通，不要叫孩子认为当父母的对自己很冷淡。