一篇男女平等作文

2010年4月15日雅思写作大作文点评

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作者：龚露 来源：苏州新东方学校


4月15号雅思写作大作文据网友回忆如下：

Males and females should be treated differently. So, some work has to be done only by men, not by women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

关于弱势群体的考察一般在老人和妇女这两方面出题比较多，而妇女作为弱势群体的考察主要集中于3个方面：

①女性是否应该和男性一样可以享有参军的权利；例如2003年9月23号的题：In many countries , women join the army as men do. However, some people argue that the army solely need males. Discuss those two views.

②女性在就业市场和高校各专业男女招生比例上受歧视的现象该如何避免；例如2003年4月26号的题：Gender imbalance has long been a general phenomenon not only in the labour market but also in formal education．Some analysts argue that it is impossible to eliminate the underpresentation of women in some subjects in the university．Do you agree or disagree?

③女性在政治领域相对于男性是否趋向于更加和平的领导方式；如2006年12月2号的题Some people think male leaders always lead us to violence and conflict, but female leaders are better to give us a more governed and peaceful society, do you agree or disagree?

4月15号的这道题主要是这3种类型的综合体。题目设置的维度太广而导致烤鸭们无法把握其切入点。实际上如果用我们在课上讲的裸奔法产生素材的话，会迅速将文章要讨论的内容细化到实处。 具体演示过程如下：

1.在Technology 和Efficiency方面，我们可以说现代科技的进步可以克服女性身体素质的不足，如在参军领域（这里又涉及到同一领域同一个素材在不同考题中的借鉴，希望烤鸭们平时做相关方面的练习）很多武器都是可以远程操控，科技含量高，而并非要妇女赤膊上战场；同理在建筑行业，妇女可以在后台操作各种机械设备而非需要亲自在工地上挑砖砌瓦，这使得女性享有和男性享有一样的工作平台，也无所谓两者有不同的待遇。

2.在Mind和Soul方面，女性似乎比男性胜出一筹。尽管大部分男性在逻辑思维和运算能力上要优于女性。但是女性的细心度，考虑事情的周全度还有做事的扎实度让男性望尘莫及，尤其在情商方面，女性享有男性无法逾越的优势。

3.在Society和Crime方面，我们可以说女性承担着工作和家务，生育和照顾小孩的多重责任，在各方面承受的压力丝毫不逊色于男性；而且各种权威调查机构开展的男女犯罪比例数据表明：男性对社会造成的威胁要远远大于女性，这也让men should be treated differently from women 成了无稽之谈。

4.在Time和Space方面，我们可以引述女性在劳动力市场上受歧视其实有其深厚的历史根源，男女不平等制度本属人为搭建，随着时间的推移已变成一种世俗偏见，但在人类历史长河中巾帼不让须眉之典故不胜枚举，从中国的花木兰到英国的女首相撒切尔夫人我们便可“管中窥豹，可见一斑”

5.在Right和Responsibility方面，我们应该呼吁在各行各业，男女不同待遇的境地应该改变。同作为一个国家的公民，男性女性应该享有相同意义上的政治权利，经济权利，受教育的权利，言论自由的权利。固然在体力和身体构造方面，男女有很大的区别，但这绝不是说在某些领域只能由男人承担。

6.在Environment 和Health方面，女性的健康和身体状况要比男性脆弱而无法接受体力强度很大的活，同时女性的抗压能力也不及男性，但是这些都是可以通过专项训练慢慢培养起来的。

7.在Employment 和Competition方面，作为政府和劳动力市场应该创造平等的就业制度和就业体系，企业主不能因为女性在婚姻和生育方面而歧视她们，毕竟其在工作能力和处理事情的周全性方面还是丝毫不逊色于男性。而且公司里面女职员的加入和男女员工均衡的比例能够创造一种舒适的工作环境，所谓：“男女搭配，干活不累。”就是这个道理。

8. 在Culture和Population方面，一个崇尚男女平等理念的企业是一个人性化的企业，是一个让人倍感尊重和人文关怀的企业。这样的企业能够更好的招贤纳士，能够好地留住人才；同理，一个崇尚男女平等的社会无疑是一个宜居型社区，人们能在其中更好地安居立业，和谐发展。

9.在Money和Fun方面，我们应该创造更好的薪资分配制度，确保在同一岗位同一工作性质上的男女员工在报酬方面实现“同工同酬”；同时，同employment and competition中的第二点一样：男女员工比例的协调能够创造一种愉悦的工作环境。

我们发现，通过裸奔法产生的论点我们主要集中在“男女应该平等就业，平等享有各项公民权利”于是我们采取一边倒的行文模式，整篇文章4段走，每段所起的作用分别为：“起—承—转—合”。 具体行文如下：

第一段：起，交代大的社会背景，提出自己的中心论点,共③句话。　

①Although gender equality is widely promoted in various fields of our society,females are still underrepresented in numerous areas. ②Some people tend to attribute this phenomenon to a large social context, holding men and women should receive different levels of treatment,either in financial income or residual welfare.③From my standpoint,this conclusion is cursory and therefore subject to re-examination.

语言点评：第②句里面运用到了holding me

n and women should receive different levels of treatment这一插入语，我们说“关山不喜平”像雅思这样高等的写作水平测试尤其要注意长短句的结合使用，实际上非谓语动词，介词短语，定语从句，副词都可以作为插入语而把一个长句切割成几个微观的单元，这样文章读起来才会更有音韵美。同时这段还要注意gender equality ,social context, financial income,residual welfare 等专有词汇的使用。

第二段：承，说明自己所赞同的那一方的观点：即男女应该平等对待，共⑦句话
①It is always interesting to observe most government or business leaders around the world are male,which may give rise to this premature assumption that some work has to done by men and thus men and women should be treated differently. ②Yet, history informs us that there are always exceptions, with women taking more high-ranking positions in the corporate world. ③A telling example to justify this is Margaret Thatcher, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, who sent a naval task force to recapture the Falkland Islands and settled a military conflict with Argentina. ④It is the same decisiveness a male leader possesses that Thatcher displayed when the sovereignty of her country is under threat. ⑤Sari Maritta Baldauf ,the former head of Nokia Networks, is another typical example to illustrate women can beat men in the business sphere, a traditional male-dominated realm. ⑥Determined to promote personal communication services and digital cellular networks early since 1988, Baldauf experienced all kinds of frustrations and disillusions, but never disheartened. ⑦Finally, Baldauf was selected as the most influential female executive in the year 1998 by Fortune and in 2002 Wall Street Journal named Baldauf as the Europe's most successful female executive.

语言点评：这段实际上用到了分类的写作手法，当雅思题目所给范围过大时，我们可以将话题细化，再选取典型代表研究；如在这里我们在众多的工作领域选取了政治和经济这两个典型领域再细化到个人身上，如在政治领域我们选取英国的前首相撒切尔夫人；在商业领域我们选举诺基亚的前任首席执政官萨里?巴尔德奥夫。举例时实际上我们可以有很多套话可以套用，如：A telling example is that/ Another typical example which can well justify my opinion/History can inform us that等等。 再次烤鸭们要注意该段无数伴随语结构的使用，实际上当烤鸭们想用状语从句的时候不妨用简洁明了的伴随状语来表示句子和句子之间的各种逻辑关系，如我们这里with women taking more high-ranking positions in the corporate world 相当于when引导的时间状语从句； Determined to promote personal communication services and digital cellular networks early since 1988, 相当于although引导的让步状语从句；but never dish

eartened采用的是“连词+非谓语”表转折。

第三段：转，先引出反方观点，然后加以驳斥以强化己方观点，共⑦句话。

①Those who hold that some inborn limitations of women pose them great barriers to certain spheres may stick to the opinion that men should be superior to their female counterparts. ②Among these, they would cite"women's enrolment in the army" as a typical example. ③It is true that females have to cope with the pressure exerted by their families, acquaintances, or friends, as serving in the army is generally accepted as a deadly job, which is exclusively for males. ④ This idea, however, suffers great fallacies due to the computerisation of modern warfare. ⑤Gone are the days when physical fighting, either armed or unarmed, dominates modern battlefields. ⑥With the automation of tanks, armours, missiles or warplanes, females can also perform military tasks as their male counterparts do, given that they are well-educated and trained. ⑦ Plus, their inherited merits endows them with greater patience and considerations, which enable them to be competent for caring professions in army hospitals.

语言点评：这段很好地用上了让步句型：it is true that, but/yet/however；还有“追忆似水流年”句型：gone are the days when； 再次，各种排山倒海结构，即大量列举结构大大地增加了全文的气势，诸如：tanks, armours, missiles or warplanes, 以及their families, acquaintances, or friends；插入语的使用是这一段的另外一个亮点，如： as serving in the army is generally accepted as a deadly job,either armed or unarmed,这就和之前的长句Those who hold that some inborn limitations....形成一种长短呼应。 在新东方的雅思课堂上我们一再和烤鸭们强调其实模板不是给你加分的，真正给你加分的是你填入模板中的内容：插入语，伴随状语，强调句，倒装句，定语从句等加分句式的使用会使文章更加熠熠生辉，而这些元素的熟稔使用只有靠烤鸭们平素艰苦卓绝地历练，才能最终做到在考场上的从容不迫，信手捏来。

第四段：合，先让步，再重申自己的观点，共 ②句话。

①In conclusion, although females have some physical or psychological drawbacks for certain kinds of positions, never would it become a camouflage or excuse to impede them from having the same rights or status as male do. ②Only by creating an equal and democratic working atmosphere can we purify the corporate culture and further constuct a more harmonious society.

语言点评：借用黄金结尾句型：although引导的让步状语从句以及never 还有only by 引导的倒装句提出自己的希望并展望未来，整个文章到此一气呵成，掷地有声。