Desperate housewife

Desperate housewivesSeason 1 E 1My name is Mary Ailce Young. when you read this morning‘s paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there‘s never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normally at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects. I ran my errands. In truth, I spend the day as I spend every other day, quietly polishing the rountine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. That‘s why it was astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs.Martha Huber, who‘d been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, She decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before. It‘s my neighbor.I think she‘s been shot. There‘s blood everywhere. Yes, you‘ve got to send an ambulance. You‘ve got to send one right now. And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy, But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.I was laid to rest on a Monday, After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And, as people do in these situation ,they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought freid chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fired chicken. Of course, she didn‘t cook much while moving up the corporate ladder. She didn‘t have time, But when her doctor announced she was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea. ―Why not quit your job? Kids do better with stay-at-home moms. It would be so much less stressful.‖But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette‘s life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast-food restaurant. Lynette would‘ve appreciated the irony if she‘d thought about it. But she couldn‘t. She didn‘t have the time. –stop it ,stop it, stop it.—But, mom. –No. you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am.---what‘s that?---Santa‘s cell-phone number. ----How did you get that?----I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf, so help me, I will call santa and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?------Ok. Let‘s get this over with. Gabrielle Solis who lives down the block brought a spicy paella. Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich man. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.-- If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, how much I paid for your necklace. ---why not pin the receipt to my chest?---He let me know how much he paid for his wife‘s convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation. -----There‘s no way I can just work that in, Carlos.----Why not? At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds. You found a way to mentioned you slept with half the Yankee outfield. ---I‘m telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation. Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down, please? ----Absolutely. We wouldn‘t want them to think we‘re not happy.Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking and making her own clothes, and for doing her own gardening,, and for re-upholstering her own furniture. Yes, Bree‘s many talents were known throughoutneighborhood. Everyone on Wisteria thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family. ----Paul. Zachary. -----Hello, Mrs.Van De Kamp. ------Bree, you shouldn‘t have gone to all this trouble. ------It was no trouble at all. Now, the basket with red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests, but the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary. It‘s got rolls,muffins, breakfast type things.-----Thank you.---- well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you‘re out of your minds with grief. -----Yes, we are.-----Of course, I will need the baskets back once you‘re down. -----Of course.Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese.. Her husband, Karl, always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was only thing she knew how to cook and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Karl moved into their house. It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Karl‘s shirt. She burned it the night Karl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. A year had passed since the divorce . Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life. Even one who would make fun of her cooking.---Mom, why would some kill themselves?----well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that‘s the only way to solve their problems.-----Mrs. Young always seemed happy.-----Yeah. Sometimes people pretend to be one way, when they‘re totally different on the inside. -----Oh, you mean like how dad‘s girlfriend always smiling and says nice things, but we know she‘s a bitch.------I don‘t like that word, Julice. But, yeah, that‘s a great example.-----You‘re welcome.------What‘s going on?-------Sorry, I‘m late. ----- Hi, Susan. ------ Hey.(Remember: So, what did karl say when you confronted him?----- You‘ll love this. He said“It doesn‘t mean anything. It was just sex.”----- Ah, yes, page one of the philanderer‘s handbook.----Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face, and he said ,‖you know, Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation.‖ Please tell me you punched him. ----No. I said, really? And what do most women lead lives of noisy fulfillment? ----Hmm. Good for you. -------I mean, of all people did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. It‘s like my grandmother always said an erect penis doesn‘t have a conscience.----- Even the limp ones aren‘t that ethical. -----This is half the reason I joined the NRA. When Rex started going to those medical conference. I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith&Wesson. ------Lynnie, Tom‘s always away on business. Do you ever worry he might? ----Oh, please, the man‘s gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. ------So, Susan, is he gonna stop seeing that woman? -----I don‘t know. I‘m sorry, you guys, I just don‘t know how I‘m gonna survive this.-------Listen to me, We all have moments of desperation. If we can face them head-on, that‘s when we‘d find out how strong we really are. )----Susan, I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go to Mary Alice‘s closet and help pack up her things , He says he can‘t face doing it by himself. -----Sure. That‘s fine. ----- Are you ok? ----Yeah. I‘m just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us. She should‘ve let us help her. ----- What problems could she have had? She was healthy had a great home, a nice family. Her life was our life. No. If Mary Alice was having a crisis we‘d have known. She lives 50 feet away, for god sakes.-------Gabby, the women killed herself. Something must‘ve been going on.--I wouldn‘t eat that if I were you.----Why?------I made it. Trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death Wish?----No, I just refused to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. Oh, my god! How did you~~~？It tastes like it burnt and undercooked. -----Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. ----Thanks. I‘m Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims‘s house next door. -----Susan Maryer. I live across the street.-----Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children‘s books. Yeah, I‘m very big with the under-five set. What do you do? ----Plumber. So if you ever have a clog or something. Now that everybody‘s seen that I brought something, I should probably just throw this out.----Ease up, you little vampire.----Lynette, I‘ve been looking all over for you. Are you aware of what your sons are doing? ------Cannonball!-----Stop. What are you doing? We are at a wake.----Oh my god. You said we could go in the pool.----I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on? ----- Yeah, we put‘em on ourselves before we left. -----You three planned this? All right. That‘s it. Get out. ---No, I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.----We want to swim and you can‘t stop us!----Here----No! -----Get out. Do you think I won‘t get in this pool and just grab you? Get out! Get over here! Are right, give me your arms.----Paul, we have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Go!-----Lynette shouldn‘t have been so concerned about my husband. He had other thing on his mind. Things below the surfaceThe morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. While some did their cooking, and some did their cleaninig, some did their yoga, others did their homework. Hi, I‘m Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. Oh, ok. Well, let‘s go round and get it. Stay, his wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in LA, but here were too many memories, He‘s renting for tax purposes, but hopes to buy a place soon, I can‘t believe you went over there. Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. You are obviously into each other. Now you know he‘s single, you can ask him out. Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. I just…..I don‘t know if I‘m ready to start dating yet. You need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you‘ve had sex? Are you mad that I asked you that? No, I‘m trying to remember. I don‘t want to talk to you about my love life any more. I wouldn‘t have said anything. It‘s just….. What? I heard dad‘s girlfriend ask if you‘d date anyone since the divorce. And dad said he doubted it. And they both laughed.Hi, Susan. Hi, Mike. I brought you a little house-warming gift. I should‘ve brought something by earlier, but- -Actually, you‘re the first to stop by.---Really? Susan knew she was lucky. –An eligible bachelor had moved on to Wisteria Lane—Welcome. She was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news. –Hello there.--…..Travels quickly. Edie Britt was the most predatory divorce in five-block radius. Her conquests were numerous, varied and legendary.Hi, Susan. I hope I‘m not interrupting. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I‘m Edie. Britt. I live over there. Welcome to Wisteria Lane. Susan had met the enemy. And she was a slut. Think you. What‘s this? Sausage puttanesca. It‘s just something I threw together. Well, thinks, Edie. That‘s great. I‘d invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something. I‘m late for an appointment. I just wanted to say hi. And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly. Oh, Mike, I heard you‘re a plumber. But she was reminded that when it come to men. Do you think you could stop by later and take a look at my pipes? Women don‘t fight fair.--- Sure. ----Thinks. Bye, Susan.You can‘t order me around like I am a child. No, no. I‘m not going. It‘s business. Tanaka expectseveryone to bring their wives. Every time I‘m around that man, he tries to grab my ass. I made over 200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. John, Mr.Solis, you scared me. Why is that bush there? You were supposed to dig it up last week. I didn‘t have time.---I don‘t want to hear your excuses. Just take care of it. I really hate the way you talk to me. And I hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace which you could n‘t live without. But I‘m learning to deal with it. So can I tell Tanaka we‘ll be there tomorrow? John, we have bandages top shelf in the kitchen. Thanks, Mrs.Solis. Fine, I‘ll go. But I‘m keeping my back pressed against the well the entire time. See, now this is what a marriage is all about. Compromise. Is your finger ok?-yeah, it‘s just a small cut. Let me see.Mmm. You know, Mrs.Solis, I really like it when we hook up, but, um, you know, I got to get my work done and I can‘t afford to lose this job. This table was hand-carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $23,000. You want to do it on the table this time? Absolutely.Why can‘t we ever have normal soup? Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. Just once couldn‘t we have a soup that people heard of? Like French onion or navy bean,. First of all, your father can‘t eat onions. He‘s deathly allergic. And I won‘t even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So…. How‘s the osso buco? ---It‘s ok.---It‘s ok? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say‖ it‘s ok ‖ in that sullo tone? Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner? Excuse me? Tim Harper‘s mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans and boom, they‘re eating. Everyone‘s happy. You‘d rather I serve pork and beans? Apologize now. I am begging. I‘m saying do you always have to serve cuisine? Can‘t we ever just have food? Are you doing drugs?—What? Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you‘re always locked in the kitchen. Trust me, that is not what he is doing. Shut up. Mom, I ‗m not the one with the problem here, all right? You‘re the one always acting like she ‗s running for mayor of Stepford. Rex, seeing that you‘re the head of this household, I would really a appreciate you saying something. Pass the salt?Three day after my funeral, Lynette replaced grief with a much more useful emotion. Indignation。