李高岩-剑桥9 Test3小作文 A类5分雅思小作文

1.作文题目：剑桥9 Test3小作文

The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

2.考生原文：

These pie charts illustrates what proportion are accounted by human in respective age group of Yemen and Italyin 2002, and predicting the future changes to 2050.

In Yemen, 0-14 years old young childrenwere the domain group in 2000, at 50.1%. And smaller proportion of 15-19 years old person in the same period, which was 46.3%. While 50 years past, 15-59 years old people willbecome the mostgroup of people, rising to 57.3%. Although there is a increase in old people who are over 60 years old. But theystill the least group of person, which were risingfrom 3.6% in 2000 to 5.7% in 2005.

In terms of Italy, according to projection, 15-59 years old peopleexperience a dramatic decrease, declining from 61.6% in 2000 to 46.2% in 2050. While it still the most group of people. In 2000, the proportion of over 60 years old was 24.1%, which doubled the percentage in 2050 through projection. Contrary to Yemen, the percentage of people who are 15-59 years old is the least no matter what period.

Overall, there are decrease of young children in both countries. Even in Italy, the percentage of children is much smaller than those in Italy.(202)

3.老师批改

文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

These pie charts illustrates（主谓一致语法错误，illustrate）what proportion are accounted by human in respective age group of Yemen and Italy(这样的表述太臃肿了，改为：the age distribution in Yemen and Italy by three different groups)in 2002, and predicting (这个动词和illustrate并列，改为predict) the future changes to 2050.

In Yemen, 0-14 years old young children (这个年龄组包含了：infant, children和teenagers，所以建议你不要用children这个词，直接说citizens aged 14 years and below)were the domain(应该是想用dominant, 词性混乱，domain是名词，做“范围”；dominant是形容词，做“主导的”) group in 2000, at 50.1%. And smaller proportion of 15-19 years old person in the same period (这句主句没有动词，可改为：A smaller proportion appeared in the group of 15-19), which was 46.3%. While 50 years past (用词改进：50 years later), 15-59 years old people will (用词改进：is predicted to) become the most (largest) group of people, rising to 57.3%. Although there is a (an，冠词使用要保持一致性) increase in old people who are over 60 years old (多余，去除). But they(are，缺少系动词，句子没有了灵魂)still(把副词still当成谓语动词使用了)the least group of person (表述改进：in terms of the proportion of population), which were rising (进行时强调持续变化，这里只要表示上升即可，改为rose) from 3.6% in 2000 to 5.7% in 2005.

In terms of Italy, according to (the) projection, 15-59 years old people(要用数量词：the percentage of those aged 15-59; 这一错误是中国学生最常见的错误，描述主体根本没有找准)experience（改为：is expected to experience这里的时态不当，到2050年，是预测性的内容，而不能用一般现在时）a dramatic decrease, declining from 61.6% in 2000 to 46.2% in 2050. While(这句是从句，改为逗号，while小写)it (was) still the most (largest) group of people. In 2000, the proportion of (这里要先加上名词：those，介词后面要跟具有名词性的内容) over 60 years old was 24.1%, which doubled the percentage in 2050 through projection. Contrary to Yemen, the percentage of people who are 15-59 years old is the least no matter what period. (用词改进：over the entire period)

Overall, there are decrease(was a decrease)of young children in both countries. Even in Italy, the percentage of children is much smaller than those in Italy. (为什么句首说even in Italy句末又说than those in Italy?逻辑及其混乱，不知所云)

4.作文总评

批改By Anna

本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

总评5 （TA5 CC5.5 LR5 GRA5）

1.词汇上是准确的，并且内容基本正确，但没有特别出彩的词汇。

2.分段准确，但是连接词上还可以更多变一些，建议试图多使用从句以及过渡句。

3.语法问题太多了。大大降低了分数，尤其是许多句子少了动词，这点扣分会很严重，因为英文的句子，没有了谓语动词，就如没有