朱诺

Juno script
It started with a chair.
I've wanted this for a really long time.
I know.
Wizard.
Jeez Banana, shut your freakin' gob OK?
This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.
Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.
Back for another test?
I think the first one was defective,
The plus sign looks more like a division symbol, so I remain unconvinced.
Third test today, Momma Bear, your eggo's preggo, no doubt about it.
It's really easy to tell, is your nipples real brown?
Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms, knocked you up twice.
Silencio, old man. Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
Pay for that pee stick when you're done.
Don't think it's yours just 'cause you marked it with your urine.
What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle: Minus or plus?
I don't know, it's not seasoned yet.
I'll take some of these.
There it is.
The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet.
I'm a suicide risk.
Juno?
No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collecting?
Only the one in my pants.
I'm pregnant.
What? Honest to blog?
Yeah, it's Bleeker's.
It's probably just a food baby, did you have a big lunch?
This is not a food baby, I've taken three pregnancy tests and I am fo' shiz up the spout.
How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.
I don't know, I drank like ten tons of SunnyD.
I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Is this for real? Like for real for real?
Unfortunately yes.
Oh, my God!
Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!
That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Are you going to Havenbrook or Women Now?
You need a note from your parents for Havenbrook.
Yeah, I know. No, I'm going to go to Women Now, just 'cause they help out women now.
Do you want me to call for you? Because I called for Becky last year.
No, I can call myself.
Oh, but I do need your help with something, it's like critically important.
You know, heavy lifting can really only help you at this point.
Seriously.
So, you were bored? That's how this blessed miracle came to be?
No, the act was premeditated. I mean, the sex, not the whole "let's get pregnant" thing.
So, when did you decide that you were gonna do Bleeker?
I don't know.
A year ago in Spanish class.
You love him.
It's actually really complicated, OK?
And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.
So what was it like?
Humping Bleek's bony bod?
Magnificent.
Hey, Bleek.
Wicked tiger.
It looks proud.
I swiped it from Ms. Rancick's lawn.
Wow, your shorts are like especially gold today.
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Go Carole.
I'll tell her.
When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts,
I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to, all I see is pork swords.
I'm supposed to be running.
So guess what.
What? I don't know.
I'm pregnant.
What should we do?
Oh, you know, I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud before it gets worse.
Because they were talking about it in health class,
how pregnancy can often lead to an infant.
Typically, yeah, yeah.
That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.
So, you're cool with that then?
Yeah, yeah, wizard. You know,
do whatever you think you should do, you know?
Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you,
I know it wasn't your idea.
Whose idea was it?
I'll see you at school, alright?
Whose idea was it?
Hey, your book fell apart.
Right.
It must have looked at your face.
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me.
Jocks like him always want freaky girls.
Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and read McSweeney's and
want to be children's librarians when they grow up.
Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.
They just won't admit it, because they're
supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders you know,
Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.
Me too, I love Woody Allen!
Alright people.
We're doing chromatography lab today, so find
your partners and break into groups of four.
Well, there's nothing like experimenting.
I did the prep questions for this lab last night,
so you can just copy my answers if you want.
I couldn't copy your work.
You copy my work every week.
True, I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, aren't I?
No, no, I don't mind. I think you definitely bring something to the table. Charisma.
Who's ready for some chromamagnificence?
I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't really look at bright lights today. Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen. No, Josh, because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man. You know, you've been acting like this ever since
I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato.
I already told you, nothing happened.
Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.
Juno, do you want to plug in the Bunsen burner?
It's my pleasure.
I'm going to the infirmary.
Good. Call me when you get off the rag.
Fine, call me when you learn how to love someone,
instead of cheating at your brother's college,
Just because you've had four Smirnoff Ices and
a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boone's!
Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that, I'll make a note of it.
I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor is the best flavor of Boone's.
Isn't that right, Bleek?
Oprimo numero dos.
Yeah, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.
What?
Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone.
Okay, now I can,
Yeah, it's really awkward to talk on.
Yeah, I need an abortion.
Sixteen.
I'm gonna say it's been about two months and four days since the sex,
Mind you, that's just like a guestimation.
Sorry, how long have I been what?
Oh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active".
What does it even mean?
Can I deactivate someday, or is this a permanent state of being?
I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it,
I guess that's why he got that look on his face.
You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.
I had to get out my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.
My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist.
He and my mom got divorced when I was five,
She lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona
with her new husband and three replacement kids.
Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day.
And I'm like, Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly.
This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.
That's my stepmom, Bren, she's completely obsessed with dogs.
Owns a nail salon and always smells like methylmethacrylate.
So Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to the other,
or the one where I downed a sixty-four ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?
Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?
Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door, the one I got up in Stillwater?
There was some blue shit,
I mean, gunk, stuff in there this morning.
I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.
I mean, maybe L.B. did it.
Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.
All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
Hey Su-Chin.
Hi, Juno.
How are you?
You know, pretty solid.
So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?
No, not yet.
I tried to work on it a little last night, but I'm having trouble concentrating.
I'll sell you some of my Adderall.
No thanks, I'm off pills.
That's a wise choice 'cause I knew this girl, she had this crazy freakout.
She took too many behavioral meds at once and she ripped off her clothes
and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall like, Blaaaaah! I'm a kraken from the sea!
I heard that was you.
It was good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know?
It can feel pain,
And it has fingernails.
Fingernails? Really?
Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.
Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.
Hey, I'm here for the big show.
Your name, please?
Juno MacGuff.
She thinks I'm using a fake name. Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.
I need you to fill these out, both sides.
We need to know about every score and every sore.
Would you like a free condom?
They're boysenberry.
No, I'm off sex.
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.
They make his jocks smell like pie.
All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
God appreciates your miracle!
Dude, what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to come get you at four.
I couldn't do it, Leah!
It smelled like a dentist office in there,
And there were these horrible magazines with water stains.
And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to
give me these condoms that looked like grape suckers,
and just babbling away about her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.
Yum!
And Su-Chin was there, and she was
like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails. "
Fingernails!
That's gruesome.
You think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out?
I'm staying pregnant, Leah.
Dude! You gotta keep your voice down, my mom is inside.
She doesn't know that we're sexually active.
What does that even mean?
I've been thinking.
I was thinking that I could have this baby and give it to someone who totally needs it.
You know, like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.
But then you're gonna get huge and your chest is gonna milktate.
- And you have to tell people that you're pregnant. - But maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless.
Maybe they'll totally shit and be really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break.
I was going to go to Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.
You should look at adoption ads,
I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.
They have ads for parents?
Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn. " Right next to terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment.
It's totally legit.
"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other. "
"All that's missing is your bastard. "
I want a parakeet.
You're totally not even listening to me.
No, I heard you. I don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome. "
- Why? - I want something a little more edgier.
- Okay, what did you have in mind exactly? - I was thinking a graphic designer,
mid-thirties, with a cool Asian girlfriend who dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.
But I don't want to be too particular.
OK, how about this?
"Educated, successful couple seeking infant to join our family of five. "
"You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love. "
That sounds great.
They sound like a friggin' cult. Besides, they already have three kids, they're greedy little bitches.
Oh, Juno! How about this one?
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,
And they were beautiful even in black and white.
Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?
No, I don't think so.
You ran eight miles today, Puppy.
I'm not hungry, oddly.
But it's breakfast for supper. It's your favorite, Paul.
Yeah.
Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.
You know how I feel about her.
You've mentioned it a couple times.
She is just...
...different.
Yeah.
I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.
Hon, did you get expelled?
No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.
Do you need a large amount of money? Legal counsel?
No, I'm not asking for anything.
Except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
No.
Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
But I'm going to give it up for adoption.
I already found the perfect couple.
They're gonna pay for the medical expenses and everything.
In thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. And if it is any consolation,
I have heartburn that's radiating down to my kneecaps
and I haven't take a dump since Wednesday.
Morning!
I didn't even know you were sexually active!
Who is the kid?
The baby? I don't really know much about it. It has fingernails, allegedly. Nails? Really?
Yeah.
I mean, who is the father, Juno?
It's Paulie Bleeker.
Paulie Bleeker?
What?
I didn't think he had it in him!
I know, right?
Right, this is no laughing matter.
No, it's not.
And Paulie is actually great.
In chair.
You were thinking about adoption?
Yeah, there's this couple.
They've been trying to have a kid for five years.
We found them in the Penny Saver next to the exotic birds.
They have a legitimate lawyer and I was going to go meet with them next weekend.
Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do.
Probably tougher than you can understand right now.
I know...
...It's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.
Damn skippy, you're not!
You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.
That was once! And she did not die, if you recall!
Honey, had you considered, you know, the alternative?
No.
Well, you're a little Viking!
First things first,
we have to get you healthy.
You need prenatal vitamins,
Incidentally, they do incredible things for your nails, so that's a plus.
Oh, and we need to schedule a doctor's appointment.
Figure out where you're going to deliver.
Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this adoption people.
You're just a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by a couple of babystarved wingnuts.
Thanks, Dad.
I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.
I don't really know what kind of girl I am.
Tell it to me straight, Bren. Do you think this is my fault?
I think kids get bored and have intercourse.
And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
I am not ready to be a Pop-Pop.
You're not going to be a Pop-Pop.
Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?
Yeah. But I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs.
That was my first instinct too. Or D.W.I. Anything but this.
And I'm going to punch that Bleeker kid in the weiner the next time I see him.
Mac, no. You know it wasn't his idea.
Hi! I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno and Mr. MacGuff.
Vanessa.
It's Vanessa, right?
Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over to your house. Oh no. Thank you.
Come on in.
Can I take your coat or your hat?
Oh, yeah, sure, thanks.
Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by the way. Super classy.
Not like those people with fake woods in the background,
Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?
You found us in the Penny Saver?
Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.
- How you doing? Mac McGuff. - Nice to meet you.
Hi.
This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.
Gerta Rauss.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
And this, of course, is Juno.
Like the city in Alaska.
No.
No?
Hon?
Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
I thought I'd get some drinks.
What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino or Vitamin Water or orange juice.
A Maker's Mark, please. Up.
She's kidding.
Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor, just one of her many genetic gifts.
I see.
So, Juno. First off, how far along are you?
I'm a junior.
No, I mean in your pregnancy.
Oh. Uh, actually my stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor and they said I was twelve weeks.
Oh, that's marvelous.
So you're into your second trimester?
Yeah, apparently.
I'm due on May 4.
Great.
My girlfriends tell me the first couple months are the hardest.
I didn't notice it at all.
I'm more concerned about when they have to put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.
I think pregnancy is beautiful.
Well, you're lucky it's not you.
So, let's talk how we're gonna do this... thing.
Well, don't I just have the thing?
Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption.
What does that mean?
It means they'd send annual updates, photos,
let Juno know how the baby is doing as he or she grows up.
Whoah. I don't want photos or any kind of notification.
Can't we just kick this old school?
I stick the baby in a basket and send it your way.
Like Moses in the reeds.
Technically, that would be kickin' it Old Testament.
Exactly! Right?
Do you know what I mean?
Like in the good old days. When it was quick and dirty.
Well, then we all agree a traditional closed adoption would be best for all involved?
Shit, yes, just close her on up.
Obviously, we would compensate you for all your medical expenses.
Are you looking for any other type of compensation?
Excuse me?
No.
No, I don't want to sell the thing, I just...
...I want...
...I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it, And be good parents, you know?
I'm in high school.
I'm ill-equipped.
You're doing a beautiful and a selfless thing for us.
Vanessa has wanted a baby ever since we got married.
I want to be a mommy so badly!
You don't say.
Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?
Yes.
Heating and air conditioning.
There you go.
I was born to be a mother.
Some of us are.
How about you, Mark, are you looking forward to being a dad? Betcha, yeah.
Every guy wants to be a father. Wants to coach the soccer team and help out with the science fair and the volcano goes off.
Yeah, all that.
Maybe Gerta could take us through the preliminary documents that you have drawn up.
Could I use the facilities first? Being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit.
The downstairs bathroom is being re-tiled, but if you go upstairs, then to the right...
Oh yeah! Room with the toilet.
Is she alright?
Sorry.
Sorry, I didn't expect to see you up here.
I just came up to get something.
Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?
No.
Do we come off as paranoid yuppies or something?
I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.
Really?
It's Clinique Happy.
Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!
Is that supposed to make me feel happy?
You should feel happy, Holmes.
I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life. Sweet, screaming, pooping life!
And you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in...
Viscera?
Blood and guts.
Is that a Les Paul?
Yes, it is.
Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
She gave you your own room in your whole house for your stuff? She's got you on a long leash there, Mark.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know? I always loved Gibson way more than Fender.
What do you play?
I rock a Harmony.
So is it mahagony?
What happens if you crack the neck?
Tell me about it. I used to play in this really tight
band when I lived in Chicago and one night we opened up
for the Melvins and I busted that thing right on
stage and it cost me $800 just to get it fixed.
When was that?
‘93. Be st time for rock and roll.
Nuh-uh, '77! Punk Volume #1.
You're crazy.
You weren't there,
You couldn't understand the magic.
You weren't even alive!
What's that?
It's a Pilates machine.
What do you make with it?
You don't make anything. It's for exercising.
My wife ordered one of those
Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.
You know, from the guy with the ponytail?
That guy just doesn't look right to me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
You're playing music?
Juno wanted a little closer look at Kimber.
Your guitar is named Kimber?
Yeah.
That's cool. My axe is named Roosevelt.
After Franklin, not Ted. He was the hot one with polio. Gerta is downstairs, we still have
a lot of stuff to go over.
I got it.
Not to interrupt the jam session.
So, just look these over and if you have any questions, call me at my office.
We would really appreciate it if you would just keep us updated on any doctor's appointments,
Ultrasounds, anything of that nature.
For sure. You want to know how your kid is cooking, I get it.
You think you're really going to do this, then?
Yeah. I like you guys.
How sure would you say you are?
Would you say you're 80% sure, 90% sure?
I'm going to say I'm about 104% sure.
Really?
Seriously, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would,
But I'm guessing it looks probably like a Sea Monkey right now,
And we should let it get a little cuter, right?
- Yeah. - Great.
Keep it in the oven.
I think that's a great idea.
Nice to meet you both.
Please, drive carefully. Hopefully we'll hear from you soon.
- Take care. - Buh bye.
Hey, man.
Hey, Vijay.
Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?
Yeah.
- Like our moms and teachers! - Yeah.
Did you hear it's yours?
Yup.
What a trip, man.
I don't really know too much about it.
You should grow a moustache.
I can't.
Me neither.
But I'm going to stop wearing underpants.
Raise my sperm count.
Juno, hey.
Hey, Bleek.
Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies after school and we're gonna donut that flick
with the guy who has eighteen kids.
Do you want to come?
Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.
Oh, really?
Can I...
...Should I come?
Oh, you can't waste those donut balls,
But maybe I could drop by later.
Okay, cool.
- Later, Bleek. - See ya.
I'll save you a seat.
There's your baby.
Oh, my God.
There's a hand.
And an arm.
And there's the feet.
Would you look at that?
Check out Baby Big-Head. Dude, that thing is freaky looking! Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.
All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell!
It's amazing that there's actually saps that cry at this. What? I'm not made of stone.
Well, there you have it.
Would you like to know the sex?
- Yes. - No.
- Please, Junebug? - No sex.
Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and if you told me, I'll just ruin everything.
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
No, they're the adoptive parents.
Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.
What's that supposed to mean?
I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.
It's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
How do you know that I'm so poisonous?
What if these adoptive parents turn out to be evil molesters?
Or like stage parents.
They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job
of raising a kid than my dumbass stepdaughter ever would.
Have you considered that?
No, I guess not.
What is your job title, exactly?
I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Well I'm a nail technician, and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.
Excuse me?
You think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there?
My five year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you, she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.
So why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade!
Bren, you's a dick!
I love it.
Juno? Wow, I didn't expect to see you here.
I have something really cool to show you guys. Is Vanessa here?
No, actually she's working late tonight.
She's trying to accrue as much time off as she can before...
Oh right. I hear these are quite the time-suck.
Wanna come in? I was just having a Ginseng Cooler.
Would you like one?
What is it with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?
It's probably got something to do with those forty four-packs they come in.
They're not bad, though.
Why aren't you at work?
I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.
No shit.
Like Johannes Brahms?
No, more commercial stuff.
Like what?
Commercials.
Have you seen the ads for the Titanium Power men's deodorant?
Paid for this kitchen.
You're quite the sellout, Mark.
What would the Melvins say?
Did you say you had something to show me.
Behold, good sir! Your future child.
Hey, look at that.
I think it looks like my friend Paulie.
Is he also bald and amorphous?
No, he's the dad.
Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
I can't, the doctor can. But I kind of want it to be a surprise.
Well, it can only go one of two ways.
That's what you think.
I drink tons of booze so you might end up with one of those scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.
Junk, huh?
You know, it's parts.
I know what junk is.
Yeah, right.
We definitely want it to have some junk, please.
Well, you don't need to worry about a thing.
My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy.
I can't stand in front of the microwave and no red M&Ms.
I hope you're ready.
Ooh... do you hear that?
What?
This is my favorite song. It's Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.
Chick drummer, freaky dude. Not unlike the White Stripes.
You haven't heard the Carpenters like this. Just listen.
Yeah, I like this.
What did you say your favorite band was?
Didn't. It's a three-way tie between the Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.
I definitely need to make you some CDs. At least while my kid's in there.
The Wizard of Gore?
That is Herschel Gordon Lewis. He's the ultimate master of horror.
Please. Dario Argento is so the ultimate master of horror.
Argento?
He's alright, but Lewis is completely dimented.
We're talking buckets of goo.
Red corn syrup all over the place. Fake brains coming out the yin-yang.
Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.
Give me the tape.
This is even better than Suspiria.
What'd I tell ya?。