初高中英语幽默短文

Big hands

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

tudent: Big hands.

A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad（少年，小伙子）. What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.So he won't join the army, the youngster replied without blinking an eye.

一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？这样，他就不会去参军了。小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

if I Am a Manager

One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition –if I Am a Manager.

All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.

“I am waiting for my secretary,”was the boy’s answer.

如果我是一个经理

一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。

所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。

“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。

NOTE

assign vt.分配, 指派（与to连用）分配

The monitor was assigned to take notes for the meeting.

班长被分派作会议记录。

"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.

"I broke a mirror," he replied.

"But that means seven years of bad luck."

"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"

这难道不好吗？

“你高兴什么？”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。

“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。

“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”

“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？”

NOTE

beaming adj. 照耀的, 光亮的, 喜气洋洋的, 愉快的

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.

"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You’re a good boy," said the mother proudly.

"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“

”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。

”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

A Man of Actions

A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,”shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening！”

A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions！”one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him！”said another.

Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”

He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er•er•Miss Rose, er•he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening！”

一个言出必行的人

一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”

下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”

突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”

他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”