别再给你那沮丧的朋友打气了

别再给你那沮丧的朋友打气了There's a deep well of encouraging phrases most people turn to when trying to cheer up a friend or loved one: "You'll do better next time." Or "It's not really that bad, is it?" Or the relatively straightforward "Come on — cheer up!" All of these pick-you-ups are delivered with good intentions, but psychological researchers have known for a while that when they're offered to certain people, they're not very helpful. A new paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology examines this within the context of the listener's self-esteem, and offers some very useful tips for how to comfort people going through difficult times.

有那么几句人们对垂头丧气的朋友经常说的话，例如“你下次会做得更好”，或者“其实也不是那么坏对吧”，又或者是比较简单直接的“别伤心了，快打起精神来”。所有这些话都是带着好意的，但心理学家们知道这些话对某些特定人群并没有多大效果。一片刊登在《人性与社会心理学杂志》上的文章检测了这些话语和听者的自尊心之间的关系，并且提供了几条非常实用的如何安慰人的建议。

The researchers, from the University of Waterloo and Wilfrid Laurier University, ran a bunch of experiments involving how to best support people with different levels of self-esteem. They found that so-called "positive reframing," which, as the name suggests, is an attempt to put negative events in their "proper" perspective, not only doesn't resonate with people with low self-esteem, but can actually fully backfire and make the comforter feel worse about themselves because their comforting is not working, potentially damaging their relationship with the person

they're trying to comfort.

来自滑铁卢大学以及威尔弗瑞劳德瑞大学的研究人员开展了一系列的实验来探究该如何去安慰自尊程度不同的人。他们发现了一种被称作“积极重塑”的方法，即是鼓励人们去积极地看待负面问题。这不仅没有让低自尊的人产生共鸣，还会让安慰者感到沮丧，因为他们说的话根本没起什么作用，这样就潜在地破坏了两人之间的关系。

"Negative validation" — that is, "support behaviors that communicate that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation" —did resonate with people with low self-esteem, on the other hand. (People with high self-esteem tended to respond well to either positive reframing or negative validation.)

而另一方面，“消极对待”——即“考虑到了被安慰者的心情、行为和反应而作出的合适的安慰行为”——可以确实地让低自尊的人产生共鸣(对于高自尊的人来说两种方法他们都会接受)。

So why don't people with low self-esteem respond to positive reframing? Taking the example of someone positively reframing their partner's anxiety about a job interview, the researchers write that positive reframing "may suggest to some … that their anxiety about the upcoming event is unfounded and that their relationship partner does not truly understand or accept their feelings." The comforter may then react negatively to the comfortee's lack of responsiveness, leading to a negative cycle.

那么为什么低自尊的人不会对“积极重塑”有反应呢？让我们以工作面试为例，当一个人用”积极重塑“方法试图消除一个低自尊的人的紧张感时，研究人员写道积极重塑方法“可