英语笑话大全

Famｉly ｐｒｏblems…ﻫﻫＴwo meｎ, onｅ Ameｒｉｃaｎａｎd ａn Ｉnｄｉan wｅre ｓitｔing ｉn ａ baｒｄｒiｎkｉng shｏｔ aｆｔｅｒshot．ﻫﻫThe Ｉnｄiａｎｍａn said to ｔhe Ameｒican, 'Yｏu know my pa ｒeｎts are forcinｇ me tｏｇeｔｍaｒrｉed to ｔhｉs ｓｏcalled h ｏｍeｌy ｇｉrl ｆｒom a vｉllagｅ whｏm Ｉ hａvｅｎ＇ｔevｅn met oｎｃｅ.＇Wｅ cａll tｈis ａｒrangｅd marriage．Ｉ don＇t want t ｏ mａｒry ａﻫ

ｗｏman whom I don't love... I tｏld ｔhem tｈat openlｙ and nｏｗhave a heｌｌ lot ｏf famiｌy ｐroｂｌems．'ﻫﻫＴｈe Amｅrican saｉd, Talkiｎg aｂouｔ lｏve mａrriaｇes... I'lｌ tell ｙou ｍy ｓtoｒｙ. ﻫI ｍａｒｒiｅd a wｉｄoｗwhom I deｅpｌy lovｅd anｄ dated for 3 yｅars. 'Aftｅr ａｃouple of yearｓ, my fａther felｌ iｎｌｏv ｅｗith my ｓteｐ-daughｔｅr anｄ maｒriｅｄ hｅr, sｏ my faｔheｒbｅcame my soｎ-ｉn-lａｗand I beｃame ｍy father＇ｓ fａthｅr-iｎ-law．ﻫﻫLegalｌy ｎｏw ｍy daｕghｔer ｉs my ｍothｅr and ｍy wｉfｅ m ｙgｒandmotｈer.ﻫ

Ｍoｒｅ prｏｂlｅmｓｏｃcuｒreｄｗhｅn Ｉｈａｄａｓon. My sｏn ｉｓmy fathｅｒ＇ｓ brotｈeｒ aｎd so ｈe is ｍy ｕncle．

ﻫSiｔuaｔions ｔurneｄ woｒse whｅn ｍy fatｈer hａd a ｓｏn. No ｗ my faｔher's son i.e. mｙ brotｈer is my ｇrａｎｄson. Ultｉmaｔe ｌy, I ｈave bｅcomｅｍy own grａnd ｆatheｒ and I aｍｍy ow ｎ grａnｄson.. Ａnd you say you have fａmiｌy ｐrｏｂｌeｍs．.

1.Cｏｕnt tｏone ＨundrｅｄBｅfｏrｅYou Speak

Iｎcｌａｓｓ,tｈｅｔeacher,ｗith hisｂack leaning aｇａiｎｓｔｔｈｅstｏｖe,said to thｅstudeｎtｓ,"Bｅfｏre you speaｋ,yｏu shouｌd thiｎk aｎｄcounｔtｏaｔleast 50，anｄfor importaｎt mattｅrs ｔo 1０0."ﻫﻫNｏsooｎｅr hａd tｈe ｔeaｃher ｓtopped talkｉng tｈan tｈｅｓｔｕｄeｎｔｓbeｇan to ｃｏunｔ.

ﻫﻫaｔlast aｌl ｔhe sｔｕdentｓｓhｏuted tｏgetｈｅr，"1．．.9８,99,10０．teacher，ｙour ｃlｏｔhes aｒe oｎfｉｒe."

ﻫ数到一百再说ﻫﻫ课堂上,老师背靠火炉站着,对学生们说：“说话前要三思,起码数到５0,重要的事情要数到一百。”

ﻫ老师的话音刚落,学生立刻从“1”开始数起来。最后一起喊:“９８,99，100!老师,您的衣服着火了。”2ﻫﻫ．The Aｄvantａge oｆＡlcoｈｏlﻫﻫIｎｏrdｅrｔo ｐrｏve the harmｆｕl efｆeｃt of alｃohol，ｔhe teacheｒput a bug intｏa glａsｓfｉlleｄwｉt ｈaｌｃohol,sｏon tｈｅｂuｇdieｄ.The teacｈｅｒasｋeｄａstudｅｎｔ,"whａt dｏeｓｔｈｉｓshｏw?＂

ﻫＴhe stuｄeｎｔanswered,"It shｏｗs ｔhatｐeｏpｌｅwon't get parasｉｔeｓi ｆｔheyｄrink moreａlcoｈｏｌ．"ﻫﻫ酒的好处ﻫﻫ为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？”

ﻫ学生答道:“说明人多喝酒,就不会长虫子。”ﻫﻫ３.Eｘcｈanｇe the Tortｏise ｆｏr thｅ

Woｌf

ﻫＴｅaｃｈeｒ:Some ｓtｕdeｎｔs areｂｅｃomiｎg aｒrogaｎt．Do you reｍember ｔhe ｓtｏｒｙaｂｏut race ｂetwｅeｎｔhe hａｒe anｄｔｈe ｔoｒｔoiｓe?Now,Xｉaoｍing,will ｙou please tell ｕs why tｈｅhａｒｅｗaｓdefeated ｂy thｅｔoｒｔｏisｅ?ﻫ

Xiaｏminｇ:Bｅｃause the haｒe fｅll asleep.

ﻫTeａｃｈｅr:Ａbsoluteｌｙright!Whaｔｓhouｌd we do sｏthaｔｔhe hare won'ｔfａｌl aｓｌeep?ﻫﻫXiａomｉｎｇ:Exchange the toｒｔoiｓｅｆor ｔhｅwolf．ﻫ

ﻫ把乌龟换成狼ﻫ

老师：有些同学开始骄傲了,大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明,你说说看,兔子为什么输给乌龟?ﻫ

小明：因为它睡觉了。ﻫﻫ老师:对极了!我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？ﻫﻫ小明:把乌龟换成狼！

搞笑电脑问题大全:能帮我重启网络吗？

Computｅr heｌp desks ａｒｅusｅd ｔｏfiｅlｄing ｏdｄball requｅｓts bｕt sｏｍet ｉmes ｔhe ｑuestioｎｓlｅａｖe ｅven tｈe bｅsｔｏf theｍｓtｕｍped.ﻫﻫSuch a ｓ: ＂Why isn't mｙwiｒelｅss mouｓe ｃoｎnecｔed toｔheｃｏmputer?"ﻫﻫOr："Can you reset tｈe Ｉｎtｅrｎet ｆoｒｍe？"ﻫﻫＴhｅn tｈｅre wasｔhe quｅstionｅｒwhoａｓｋed："WｈｅｒｅcanＩｇet sｏftwａrｅｔo ｔrack UFＯs?＂

ﻫRoｂert Half Tecｈnologｙ，a providｅｒof inｆｏrmaｔioｎteｃhｎｏｌoｇy professio ｎａｌs ｂａsｅｄｉｎＭｅｎlo Ｐark, Ｃalｉfｏｒnia, ａｓkｅd1，４00 chｉｅｆｉｎforｍaｔion oｆficeｒs from comｐａniesａcｒｏss tｈe United Statｅs tｏｃoｍｅup wｉtｈthe mｏsｔbaｆfliｎｇqｕｅstｉons ｔhｅｉr helｐdeskｓor tｅchｎｉcal suｐport teaｍs hａｄever received. Ａmｏng the ｍoｒｅunuｓｕal ｗｅｒｅ:

-- "Ｍy comｐuｔer is tellｉngｍe ｔo prｅss anｙｋey to cｏｎｔinue.Whｅr ｅisｔhｅ＇any＇ｋeｙ?"ﻫ

-－＂Cａｎyou reaｒrange theｋeyboard alｐhａbetiｃaｌlｙ?"ﻫﻫ－- "My daughter iｓlocked in tｈｅbaｔhroom,cａn you pick the lock？"ﻫﻫ-－＂Ｃan ｙou tｅll ｍe the weａtｈer fｏｒecａst for ｎext year?"ﻫﻫ－－"Cａｎyou instaｌl cable TV on my PC?"ﻫ

Tｈｅn there ｗａs ｔｈｅcoｍｐｕter user who conｆusｅd ｔhｅＣD－ROM drｉve wｉth ａdrinｋｈｏldeｒanｄａsked：＂ＨｏwｄｏI gｅｔmy coｍｐｕte ｒ＇s coffｅe-cuｐholｄｅr to cｏmｅoｕt aｇain?"ﻫﻫKatherineＳpencerＬee,ｅxｅｃutiｖｅｄirectｏr ｏｆRoｂerｔＨaｌfＴｅchnolｏgy, saｉd sｕｃh queｒies were ａtesｔoｆｔhe sｋiｌls of tｈｅhｅlp ａndｔｅｃhnicａl supｐｏrｔde ｓｋs.ﻫﻫ"Ｔhese unusual ｒｅquests hｉｇhｌiｇht ｔhｅnｅedｆｏr ｔeｃhnical support pｅrｓｏnｎｅl tｏａｌso ｄｅmoｎstrate pａtieｎcｅ，eｍpathy aｎd a sen ｓｅof huｍoｒ,"she saiｄ.ﻫﻫ帮用户解决电脑问题是电脑技术支持的主要职责,但有时用户提的问题甚至把IT精英们都给难倒了。

ﻫ比如:“为什么我的无线鼠标没连在电脑上？”ﻫ

再如：“能帮我重启一下网络吗？”ﻫﻫ还有人会问:“在哪能下载追踪ＵＦO的软件?”