令狐敬-20110312雅思考试写作机经A类6分雅思大作文

1. 作文题目：

Competitiveness is a positive quality for people in most societies. How does competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative trend?

2.考生原文

In modern societies, competitiveness is one of the most important qualities and also a key for one to survive and thrive. In my opinion, not only would competitiveness bring advantages on individuals but also disadvantages.

One of the sound influences competitiveness brings is that a higher competitiveness grants an individual with a higher possibility of leading a better life and social status. This could be clearly demonstrated by the fact that those with higher competitiveness are more likely to show uniqueness and leadership. This could be greatly appreciated by the employers. Therefore, they would get more opportunities in work and create stronger productivity for the company. In a word, competitiveness is intimately close to the quality of one’s life.

Some other adverse impacts could also be accompanied by the competitiveness. For example, a sense of competitiveness may sometimes block one’s vision. In other words, people concentrating on competitiveness may focus too much on the short-term effects. as we all know, in the intensely competitive society, it is hard for some small chemistry industries to survive and thriveamong these flourishing industries. This could result in the fact that some industries with low productivity would probably cut back on the salaries of the employees and leave out the cost of environment preservation. Despitethis could improve the competitiveness during the short time, it eventually would end upthe bankruptcy of the enterprise resulted from the dissatisfaction of the employees and deterioration of the environment.

Thus, there is no doubt that competitiveness probably keeps one the higher ability of survival. However, paying more attention on the competitiveness also likely cause a big disaster for the individual or the whole team.

3.老师批改

•文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

In modern societies, competitiveness is one of the most important qualities and also a key for one to survive and thrive. In my opinion, not only would competitiveness bring advantages on individuals but also disadvantages. (开头没问题，可以添加一些背景信息，例：The increasing population density has triggered much competition in major communities all around the world, and individual competitive ness has been put on much emphasis as one of the most important elements to succeed.)

One of the sound influences competitiveness brings is that a higher competitiveness grants an individual with a higher possibility of leading a better life and social status. This could be clearly demonstrated by the fact that those with higher competitiveness are more likely to show uniqueness and leadership. This could be greatly appreciated by the employers(这里可以举例子，讲述一下竞争力的具体表现形式有哪些，例如: qualification, communication skill等等。不然只说竞争力显得很空洞).Therefore, they would get more opportunities in work and create stronger productivity for the company. In a word, competitiveness is intimately close to the quality of one’s life.

Some other adverse impacts could also be accompanied by the competitiveness. For example, a sense of competitiveness may sometimes block one’s vision. In other words, people concentrating on competitiveness may focus too much on the short-term effects. as(务必注意大小写 As) we all know, in the intensely competitive society, it is hard for some small chemistry industries to survive and thrive(用多了，开头用过了，换词，例：mark their positions)among these flourishing industries. This could result in the fact that some industries with low productivity would probably cut back on the salaries of the employees and leave out the cost of environment preservation. Despitethis could improve the competitiveness during the short time, (注意这个词是介词，改为: Despite the fact that...) it eventually would end up(加一个with)the bankruptcy of the enterprise resulted from the dissatisfaction of the employees and deterioration of the environment.

Thus, there is no doubt that competitiveness probably keeps one the higher ability of survival. However, paying more attention on the competitiveness also likely cause a big disaster for the individual or the whole team.

4.作文总评

批改 by Angela 令狐

本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

总评 6 （TR6.0 CC6.5 LR6.0 GRA6）

1.内容上基本准确，双边也完整了，但是没有把竞争力具体定义出来是唯一的缺陷。

2.连接词运用不错，逻辑也比较顺畅，分段准确。

3.词汇略有可以改进之处，不过相对比较准确。

4.语法基本没问题，从句与非谓语使用良好

5.这篇写的不错的，按着这个标准可以拿到不错的分数。

词汇积累：

to survive and thrive 生存和发展