Parent Resource Center Series let’sTEENtalk

Offer Choices
We all like to feel powerful. Choices help your teen feel like they are
more in control.
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Set the rules Stick to your decision.
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
"Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.“
Which parent actions worsened the situation?
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Recognize defiant behavior Identify why it occurs Learn strategies to avoid the conflict
Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict Listen intently
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Never discount your teen’s ideas.
Write all the suggestions down and hand them to
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Is there a reason for the defiant behavior?
Make sure you know what is going on in your teen’s life.
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Two people want the same power and neither one of them has a firm grip on it.


Choose battles wisely
Allow breathing room Ask, “Is this argument necessary or can it be put aside?”
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
No is a complete sentence
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
All teens need guidance.
Hostile behavior could be a desperate cry for help.
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
1.
2. 3. 4. 5.
Optimism
Know it’s a roller-coaster ride
Change can be influenced with leverage and persuasion
Integrate new knowledge including the unconventional Multiple strategies are needed
with parents.
9 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or
arguing.
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Reaction and control do not work
Reduce patterns of reactive behavior
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
This is what I have control over
This is what I WISH I had control over
1. On which issues do you spend most of your physical and emotional energy?
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
GEMS
Average of 432 negative comments per day
vs. 32 positive comments.
Offer Genuine Encounter Moments
Give full attentm (and long term), who “won”?
Were hearts and minds won over? Were relationships built and “trust bonds”
cemented? Will the “show of force” “teach the kid a lesson”?
2. Is your energy being spent on issues that you can control or those that fall under the wishes category?
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
▪ “We’ve discussed what is going to happen. I’m confident you’ll make the right choice.”
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Carefully choose the major issues. 13 minutes a day in actual communication
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Create house rules.
Create consequences for abiding by the rules
and consequences for disobeying the rules.
Review the rules periodically.
your teen first. She will go through them and cross off the ones she doesn’t like. Then it’s your turn…. Usually, there are two-three suggestions left that can be discussed and negotiated.
Think of an argument that you got into with your teen that lasted more than a few sentences.
Did your actions become more heated and forceful as your
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Teen Defiance
Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship
Michele Tureaud , Barbara L. Cohen, Wanda Holloway Fairfax County Public Schools Behavior Intervention Services
Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Defiance is usually a teen’s way of gaining more control and decision making ability in their lives.
6.
Take good emotional care of yourself
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk
Children are programmed from birth to
push and resist against rules.
Say no, just once.
If she throws a tantrum, walk out of the
room and let her anger be her problem.
teen failed to “give in”?
Jot down notes that describe the sequence of events.