英语短文故事(幽默笑话)

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

老师正在给学生上生物课：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”接着，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”


During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1million U.S.
The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

在二十世纪六十年代，美国和苏联正处于太空竞赛的白热化阶段，美国航空航天局决定研制一种圆珠笔，以便在太空舱重力为零的环境下仍然可以书写。经过大量的研发工作，花费了大约一百万美元的成本，太空笔终于研制出来了。那支笔果然可以在太空书写，在回到地球后，作为一样新奇的小玩意儿也确实吸引了一些目光。
而面临着同样难题的苏联，则选择了一支铅笔。


When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

我做事情花了长时间，是效率低；
老板做事情花了长时间，是深思熟虑。
我没有做完事情，是懒惰；
老板没有做完事情，是太繁忙。
没有人告诉我的事情我做了，是自作聪明；
老板做了同样的事情，是首创。
我取悦老板，是献媚；
老板取悦他的老板，是合作。
我干得好，老板从来不会想起；
我干得不好，老板从来不会忘记。


An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in
prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden.
He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused

, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”
第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。”
老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发生了什么事情，下一步应该怎么做。
儿子回信道：“你只管种土豆好了。”

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
一天，小女孩从学校回到家里，对妈妈说：“妈妈，今天在学校里我因为一件我没有做的事情而受到惩罚。”
妈妈激动地说：“那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老师好好谈一谈，对了，你没有做过的那件事是什么？”
小女孩回答说：“我的家庭作业。”



While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，贼窝） . What is the big brass gong（锣） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?
Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!


一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？他的一个朋友问他。那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟，学生回答。这钟怎么工作的，他的朋友问。看着，别眨眼了，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！。”



On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：
“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell brother Tom．”
The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received somethi

ng of a shock on reading the following：
“Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．”
放学回到家里，十岁的小多莉被拉过来坐在她爸爸的膝上，她被告知那天仙女们带来了一个大大的惊奇——一个婴儿小弟弟。她似乎很高兴，马上说：
“爸爸，你能不能给我一张邮票？我要写信告诉汤姆哥哥。”
父亲被这话感动了，他为小姑娘提供了给她哥哥写信所需的各种用具，她的哥哥住在学校里。后来，想知道她是怎么报告这个消息的，他找机会读了她写的信。在读到下面这两行字时，他差点儿惊呆了：
“亲爱的汤姆：今天结果出来了，你输了；是个男孩。”


One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．
A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．”
“What do you think of that？” my wife asked．
“I'm not sure，” Peggy replied．“I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear．”
一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。
几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。“青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。”
“你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。
“我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。”


There was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he could not take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．
Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed．Later，however，she heard him weeping lustily in his bed．He was inarticulate with grief，but his brother explained that he was crying“about Paddy”．
“But，” said the mother，“I told him about it this morning，and he did not seem to mind！”
The brother explained，“yes，but he thought you said Daddy．”

从前有一个小男孩，他得到了一条完全属于他自己的小猎狗。他给小狗取

名帕蒂，对它宠爱万分。他要到乡下一些亲戚家去度假，可又不能带上他的宠物，为此他很伤心。
他不在家的时候，帕蒂在一次不幸的车祸中失去了年轻的生命。男孩的母亲怕他回家时听到这个消息太难过；因此她相当小心地把这个消息透露给他，而颇为令人惊讶的是小伙子看起来并不怎么在意。可是，后来她听见他在床上哭得死去活来。他伤心得说不出话来，但是他的哥哥解释说他在“为帕蒂”痛哭。
“可是，”这位母亲说：“我今天早晨告诉他了，他好像根本不在乎啊！”
他哥哥解释说：“是的，可他以为你说的是爸爸。”




It was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．
“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met．
“Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．
这是华盛顿的一个阴冷天。钱普·克拉克正和一个来访的英国人讨论城市的流浪儿，英国人详细地叙述着伦敦式天才的机智。克拉克宣称，要是对方向华盛顿街上任何一个儿童提任何问题，那孩子都会对答如流。他们便出发了。
“什么时候了，小兄弟？人们说你能用鼻子报时。”
回答是：“先生，问问你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”



Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．
One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor．
Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered．
“ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．”
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。
一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。”
帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：

“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。”
“那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”



Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”
“Yes，” said Landon，“he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：
“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”
“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。”


"If you refuse to marry me," he swore, "I shall die."
She refused him.
Sixty years later, he died.
“如果你不答应嫁给我，”他发誓，“我就要去死。”
六十年后，他死了。