新孔雀东南飞

《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）

焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)

焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)

太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)

黄丽萍饰焦仲卿陈冬梅饰刘兰芝吕秀凤饰焦母范雅婷饰刘母兼强盗A

李蓉饰太守之子××饰强盗B ××饰强盗C

道具：纸团脸盆拐杖围裙锅铲毛线针袜子硬币支票红盖头刀

Act one

Johnny and Lunch have been married.Johnny and Lunch are fighting at home and Johnny’s mother is eavesdropping(窃听) outside the door.

(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)

J:Everybody says that I’m henpecked（惧怕妻子的）,but in fact,I’m as strong as a tiger,(小声)while my Wife is WuSong.

(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!

(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’m afraid of whom?

My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, Smarter than me and stronger than me. All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender Than me.But she is not! Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell（地狱）!

(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)

My God! Who can help me?(下)

JM(拄拐棍上):I can!

(对门内)Lunch! Lunch! Where are you?

L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here! What’s up ，mum?

JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and Dearest mother-in-law”.

L:OK. My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up?

JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,so brusque(鲁莽的),so

lazy……

L:But……

JM:Never interrupt me!

L:Never interrupt me! Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all

Day long,cooking and washing.I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken

and……

JM:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grand son!

L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,you want a grand son,don’t you?(开始解围裙)Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

JM:If you go away,never come back.

Act two

Lunch’s mother is knitting(织) a sweather.Lunch enters with her head down and a pan(锅具) in hand.

L:Mum,I’m back!

LM:You are back? Why? What happened?

L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.

LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See! I have already told you! When you insisted on Marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor,but you did not listen To me.Look at yourself……

L:But,mum……

LM:Never interrupt me!

L:Mum,I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And

I’ll marry whomever you want me to.

LM(大喜):Nice girl! Just now,I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If your daughter Haven’t been married,I really really want to marry her!”Now you are free again,I’ll go

And tell him.(下)

L(惊愕):What? The mayor’s son?The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)What a silly thing I have done!(下)

Act three

In the second day,Johnny just woke up.

(J睡眼惺忪上)

J(边走边道):Lunch! Lunch! Where are my socks?

(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下) Er! How smelly! They are still dirty!

(突然想起)Lunch has gone! I have to wash them myself.

(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’m so hungry! But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围

裙)This is what Lunch always wears! I miss her so much,and her excellent cooking skill! Now She has gone. I have to cook for my mother and myself.

JM(上):W here’s my breakfast? Where’s Lunch ?Hasn’t she got up yet?

J:Mum,can’t you remember?Lunch has gone!

JM(沉吟片刻):Well,I confused ,I was just too angry yesterday.I didn’t mean to do that.To tell you the truth Johnny,a son without a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice

girl,go and take her back! I will apologize to her.

J(立正敬礼):Yes madam!

Act four

Johnny is pleased to walk on the way to Lunch’s home.

(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

A:Hey you! Stop and listen to us!