邹忌讽齐王纳谏 搞笑版(1)(2)

舞台正中有一低案，虚拟门。

Zou avoid (Taiwan, on the side to sit chair, POSS thinker)
:XuGong, XuGong, you took my first superstars qi! On!
邹忌(台侧上，到正中椅子上坐下，摆思想者POSS）：徐公，徐公，你居然抢了我齐国第一美男的位置！上耶！（闪电声）
On the other side (zou wife) :Sir, you come back? What also not zhi 1?
邹妻(另侧上)：夫君，你回来啦？怎么也不吱一声？
Zhou:cheep
邹忌：吱
Zou's wife: er... The moon displays, sir, the tea?
邹妻：厄。

婵娟，夫君来了，还不快上茶？
The moon displays: (behind-the-scenes)
婵娟：是（幕后）
Zou...plz, madam: ShouShouBuQin, men and women, are called you I still keep distance for good.
邹忌：嘿嘿嘿，这位女士，正所谓男女授受不亲，你我还是保持距离为好。

Wife: (injustice zou) husband, you how was this?
邹妻：(委屈状)夫君，你这是怎么了？！
Zhou: how, I have what problem?
邹忌：怎么，我有什么问题吗。

Zou's wife: that, you and my soul in pairs, but, since you when the officer, increasing the distance from us. (to) crying
邹妻：想当年，你与我情投意合，成双成对，可自从你当了官以后，我们的距离越来越大。

（欲哭状）
Zhou: madam, don't do that!
邹忌：夫人，别这样嘛！
Wife: when you zou, which go? (background music: can't say secret)
邹妻：当年的你，到底哪去了？（背景乐：不能说的秘密）
Zhou: Mrs. You're exaggerating!
　邹忌：夫人。

你也太夸张了吧。

Background music in TianXianPei
背景乐换天仙配
Wife: the bird zou into double.
邹妻：树上的鸟儿成双对。

Zhou: do your husband's suffering.
邹忌：做你的夫君真受罪。

Now don't suffer the slavery
从今再不受那奴役苦
But the home guard tiger
却得回家守母老虎
You come to my weaving plough
你耕田来我织布
My money to your consumption
我赚钱来你消费
Cold kiln is broken can shelter from wind and rain 寒窑虽破能避风雨
Prices can't afford it
房价上涨买不起
You and I like it with the forest bird
你我好比那同林鸟
Catch their flying
大难临头各自飞
Wife: sir! Zou, (play)
邹妻：夫君！（撒娇状）
Zhou: ok, madam, don't be mad
邹忌：好了，夫人，别生气啦。

The moon displays: hum! (back) zou avoid
婵娟：哼！（背对邹忌）
Zhou: madam! I don't, outside busy in this house
邹忌：夫人！我到外头忙，不也为的是这个家吗！
Zou's wife: ok ok, I again not understand.
邹妻：好啦好啦，我又不是不懂。

Zhou: that is, my fair lady. Mrs. Right, whether XuGong understanding?
邹忌：那就是啦，我的好夫人。

对了，夫人是否认识徐公？
Zou's wife: oh, not understanding the north is male!
邹妻：认识啊，不就是城北那个快男嘛！
Wife: that zou, I think, who XuGong and more beautiful?
邹忌：那夫人觉得，我与徐公，谁更美？
Wife: it sure is zou husband you. Otherwise, the concubine of husband will love and death, fully?
邹妻：那当然是夫君您啦。

要不然，妾身怎会对夫君一见钟情，生死相许呢？（I AM WAITING FOR YOU）
Zou avoid: ha, ha, ha, this is Mrs. That I had not zou avoid qi doctor.
邹忌：哈哈哈，有夫人这话那我邹忌就不妄为齐国大夫了。

Zou's wife: ok, sir, here have tea.
邹妻：好了，夫君，过来喝茶吧。

The moon displays: adult tea. The coke)
婵娟：大人请喝茶。

（端可乐上）
Zou (out) the tea jealous of what is on.
邹忌：（喷出）这茶怎么是洋味的。

The moon displays: is that Mr Han, Coca-Cola.
婵娟：那是韩先生送的，叫可口可乐。

Zou avoid (angry) I want to drink tea!
邹忌：（发怒状）我要喝绿茶！
The moon displays: it is. Run off with unified (green), please drink.
婵娟：是。

（跑下场，带统一绿茶上）大人，请喝。

Zhou: well, this is good. (to the audience) close to nature, the unity of green tea.
邹忌：嗯，这个好。

（对观众）亲近自然，统一绿茶。

Zhou: ok, moon displays I ask you, you can know XuGong north?
　邹忌：好了，婵娟我问你，你可认识城北徐公？
The moon displays: once knew! (see zou avoid dissatisfaction) so little.
婵娟：何止认识！（见邹忌不满）就那么一点点啦。

Zhou: you said, XuGong with me, who is more handsome? 邹忌：你说，徐公与我，谁更帅？
The moon displays: of course is xu... Zou adult you!
婵娟：当然是徐。

邹大人您啦！
Zou avoid: good, good. (to the audience) man, is to grow handsome!
邹忌：好，好（对观众）男人，就是要长得帅一点！
HanWu (Taiwan), this should be run on side qi is the first self-righteousness superstars, the ZouDaFu home superstars. 韩武：（台侧跑上）这应该就是齐国第一自以为是美男的美男，邹大夫家了吧。

Wife: sir, zou outside like someone looking for you.
邹妻：夫君，外面好像有人找你。

Zhou: (looking toward the door who shouted stealthy).
邹忌：找谁呢（朝门外喊道）鬼鬼祟祟。

HanWu: excuse me, zou (in) reading forward.in?
韩武：请问，邹大（读DAI）夫在吗？
Zhou: you mean, the royal ZhouDaFu qi hospital?
邹忌：你是说，齐国皇家医院的周大夫？
HanWu: NONONO! I find ZouDaFu qi is read (right), dr.
韩武：NONONO！我找的是齐国大夫邹大夫（读正确）Zhou: (opening the door) said earlier this HanWu not Mr!
邹忌：早说嘛（开门）这不是韩武先生吗！
HanWu: HanWu ZouDaFu (bow)"
韩武：韩武拜见邹大夫（鞠躬）
Zou ji4: no not (return),
邹忌：不用不用（回礼）
HanWu: must bow, must (again),
韩武：一定要，一定要（再鞠躬）
Lilly: free from zou ritual (return),
邹忌：免礼免礼（回礼）
HanWu: nonsense (step forward and propriety of ke zhou avoid head),
韩武：非礼非礼（向前一步，磕中邹忌头）
Zhou: ah
邹忌：啊！
Zou HanWu: okay. (about adult)
韩武：邹大人没事吧（关心状）
Zhou: ok, ok. Please sit down (slowly)
邹忌：没事，没事。

（慢慢坐下）请坐
HanWu: adult, zou, I am fine phase.
韩武：邹大人，此番前来，我是有事相求。

Zou avoid (see elsewhere) said
邹忌：（看向别处）说
HanWu: I want to apply for import and export customs clearance guandu die.
韩武：我要申请进出口的通关渡牒。

Zou (or avoid elsewhere), is, yeah.
邹忌：（还是向别处）啊，是，是啊。

HanWu: my Lord, my Lord!
韩武：大人，大人！
Zou avoid (around) oh, you said it. Crossing die
邹忌：（回过神）哦，你说渡牒是吧。

HanWu: it is.
韩武：是。

Zhou: what, you must import cola?
邹忌：怎么，你又要进口可乐？
HanWu: don't ZouDaFu don't like coke?
韩武：难道邹大夫不喜欢可乐？
Zou avoid facing (though), can't coke either.
邹忌：（面对观众）可乐虽好，可不能贪杯啊。

HanWu: that ZouDaFu can rest assured, this time I prepare WangLaoJi exported.
韩武：那邹大夫大可放心，这次我准备大量出口王老吉。

Zhou: oh? ! Which country exports?
邹忌：哦？！出口哪国？
HanWu: qin
韩武：秦国
Did Mr. Zou ji4: can China and Thailand, does not have contacts.
邹忌：可先生可曾知，我国与秦国素来不怎么交往啊。

HanWu: adult assured. QinGuoRen easily lose our meal smell good, need qingrejiedu!!!!! (to the audience) were afraid WangLaoJi drink! YEAH!
韩武：大人放心。

素闻秦国人容易上火，急需清热解毒的良方啊！（对观众）怕上火喝王老吉！YEAH！
Zhou: that you want to borrow, and through our dumping diplomatic relations with the qin dynasty?
邹忌：那你是想借机倾销，并且打通我国与秦国的外交关系？
HanWu: are there.
韩武：正有此意。

Zhou: good! Pains Mr Han, tomorrow I trouble you to handle.
邹忌：好好！劳韩先生费心了，我明天就去办理。

HanWu: thank zou adults.
韩武：多谢邹大人。

Zhou: rightness, you know, Mr. Han north XuGong.
邹忌：对了，韩先生，你可认识城北徐公。

HanWu: how don't know! The river was there, and XuGong zou north xu but no!
韩武：怎么不认识！江湖素来就有南邹北徐之称，徐公那可是一号人物啊！
Zhou: I didn't know that. () that XuGong dissatisfaction are felted?
邹忌：我怎么不知道这说法。

（不满状）那徐公是不是很历害？
HanWu: tonight is CCTV broadcast qi, adults can see.
韩武：今晚齐国中央电视台就有直播，大人可以自己去看。

Zhou: let me ask you, XuGong, who is more beautiful than me?
邹忌：那我问你，徐公比我，谁更美呢？
HanWu (an) XuGong certainly no adults. ZouDaFu qi, who was up to know, where people don't know it. Look, a great doctor pavilion, if lie silkworm, eye eyebrow, if RON, if the sword without lip if liu, cool! Dr. Plus all partners in jun, thus aiding the palace, cultivate noble temperament, make you more energetic, eaves, such as jade. The XuGong but is just right, how ZouDaFu and compared.
韩武：（眼珠一转）徐公当然没有大人美了。

邹大夫俊美，齐国上下谁人不知，哪人不晓。

瞧大夫天庭饱满，地阁方圆，眉若卧蚕，目若朗星，鼻若悬梁，唇若柳刀，酷！再加上大夫整日伴于君侧，辅佐朝政，如此培养出的高贵气质，使您更显神采奕奕，气宇轩昂，如玉树临风。

那徐公不过是一介草民，怎能与邹大夫相比。

Zhou: ha, ha, ha, awards, and I just got together the king
of light.
邹忌：哈哈哈，过奖过奖，我也只是沾了齐王的光啊。

HanWu: ok, zou HanMou adults, and then, the official, now. 韩武：好了，邹大人，韩某还有公务在身，不能久留，先告辞了。

Zhou: that Mr Han. (Send to the door)
邹忌：那韩先生走好。

（送致门口）
HanWu (out) hey, man, also like rhetoric, ha! Superstars
韩武：（出门后）嘿嘿，男人也喜欢花言巧语，美男，哈！
Zhou: well, CCTV, anyway have no matter, see also just as well. (to), the moon displays, Mrs. Below are over.
邹忌：嗯，中央电视台，反正没事，看看也无妨。

（对台下）夫人，婵娟，都过来。

Wife: sir, zou how?
邹妻：夫君，怎么了？
Zhou: twiddled with I watch TV, how?
邹忌：闲得无聊，陪我看看电视如何？
Zou's wife: ok. (to), to the moon displays the moon displays on the TV.
邹妻：好啊。

（对婵娟）婵娟，去开电视。

Background music on the radio, since the news broadcast. 电视打开，背景音乐起新闻联播。

甲：各位观众早上好，我是主持人甲。

A:Ladies and gentlemen, good morning, I'm A.
乙：我是主持人乙。

今天是猴年马月的地球撞慧星日，欢迎收看齐国中央电视台新闻联播节目。

B:I'm B. Today is the earth years into the comet, welcome qi CCTV news broadcast programs.
甲：首先介绍一下这次节目的主要内容。

A:Firstly introduce the main contents of this program.
乙：楚灵王会见齐国大使晏子。

B:With this ChuLing king qi ambassador.
甲：赵魏韩三国公然分裂晋国，晋国外交部发言人公开表示抗议。

A;ZhaoWei three openly abruption jin, jin's foreign ministry spokesman said publicly in protest.
乙：下面请听详细内容。

B:Next, please listen to detailed contents.
乙：据齐国驻楚国记者刚刚发回的报道，齐国外交官晏子一行五人出访楚国，受到楚灵王及王后的亲切接见。

宾主在友好的气氛中，就贸易与合作，科技与交流，和平与发展等问题进行了诚挚友好的会谈。

B:According to qi chu journalists just returned in the report,
this line 5 qi diplomats visits by ChuLing king chu, and had a cordial meeting with the queen. BinZhu in a friendly atmosphere, trade and cooperation, technology and communication, peace and development issues, the sincere and friendly talks.
甲：昨晚举行快乐男生战国赛区总决赛，齐威王以一首秧歌舞获得总冠军。

A:Last night, the warring states conference finals happy boy king one with a YangGeWu championship.
乙：下面是国际新闻
B:Below is the international news
甲：最新消息，赵、魏、韩三国企图分裂晋国。

晋国外交部发言
人“进贡”强烈谴责这种分裂行径。

他在发言中指出：晋国始终坚持一个晋国的原则，晋国的领土和主权完整不容分割，这种行为极大地伤害了晋国人民的感情，要求赵韩魏三国停止分裂并向晋国人民道歉
B:Due to the state secrets, neighboring countries to develop nuclear weapons. Qin said QinHeng monarch of male, lu if no nuclear and international society, to apologize for military intervention will act of qin.
　韩武：韩武拜见邹大夫。

HanWu: HanWu ZouDaFu calling.
乙：接下来是专题节目，永远的丰碑。

此次节目介绍的是上一届快乐男生的总冠军，江湖上素有北徐之称的齐国传奇人物——徐公。

现将进行现场采访，大家欢迎。

B:The program is the monument, forever. This program is a happy boy in the championship, known as the river north of qi xu legend - XuGong. Now, we will welcome the on-site interview.
徐公（上台）：观众朋友们，你们好吗？
XuGong (stage) : the audience friends, hello?
邹妻：（热烈鼓掌）徐公，徐公。

Zou Wife: (applause) XuGong XuGong
邹忌：嗯？！夫人请自重。

Zhou: HMM? ! Lady please self-respect.
邹妻：（回神）哦。

Zou Wife: oh...
乙：我国素来就有南邹北徐之城，不知徐公对此有什么看法呢？ 徐公：哈哈哈，那只是虚名而已啊。

B:South China had had zou north city of xu XuGong, what do you think?
XuGong: ha, ha, ha, it is merely moves.
乙：徐公果真是谦虚啊，大家为徐公鼓掌。

B:XuGong is modest, everybody is XuGong applause.
甲：（抢过镜头）请问徐公，您对您的美貌有什么看法。

B:(grabbed the lens) excuse me, you XuGong for your beauty.
徐公：一句话：一般一般，亚洲第三。

XuGong : Word: general average, Asia's third.
甲：那你是如何保持这样的美貌的？
A:So how did you keep such a beauty?
徐公：其实我以前脸上长满了痘痘，自从用了满亭洁面乳后，痘痘全不见了，肌肤又白又嫩。

看这里，看这里，看这里。

XuGong: actually I've face covered with a full blain, since the pavilion, blain blain cleanser after all gone, skin white and tender. Look here, look here, look here.
邹妻：夫君，我也想要耶！
Zou Wife: Husband,I also want to!
邹忌：（气愤的）都是骗人的广告，不看也罢，换台。

幕布盖上，揭开。

Zou : (angry) are misleading advertisements, watch, in Taiwan.
Curtain, cover.
乙：欢迎收看收视里暴低的娱乐节目，齐国操操操。

今天我们请来了重量级嘉宾齐威王为我们做现场表演。

B:Welcome to the low ratings of violence, JiGuoCao entertainment programs. Today we please the king for our guests heavyweight one do live performance.
音乐猪八戒背媳妇，齐王扭秧歌。

Music pig eight quit, the king's back daughter-in-law yangge dance.
乙：看，齐王即兴为我们表演了他的拿手好戏秧歌舞。

B:See, the king gave him for us improvisation YangGeWu alley.
邹忌：什么烂节目，不看了不看了，关了。

电视关，音乐停。

忽然幕布拉开，齐威王从电视爬出，放歌剧2。

王：搞什么，人家跳个秧歌你也不让，你这大夫是不想做下去啦！ 邹忌：（大惊）臣不知王驾道，未能远迎，还望恕罪！
王：无罪无罪，哼！（坐到椅子上）
邹忌：大王，微臣有话，不知当讲否？
王：别废话，照台词念下去。

邹忌：大王可认识臣北徐公？
王：认识，不就是和我抢快男冠军，这一次失败的那个嘛！
邹忌：那大王觉得，我与他谁更美呢？
王：比他作甚，无论你们谁美，我也不能把你们纳入后宫啊！ 邹忌：臣不是这意思。

王：那你是什么意思。

邹忌：臣没别的意思。

王：那你有什么意思。

邹忌：臣实在没意思。

王：那没意思你跟我说什么？
邹忌：（眩晕）臣只是想说，今日臣见到徐公，貌美无可匹敌！ 王：邹爱卿，嗯，你不是同性恋吧?
邹忌：微臣不敢做此有悖人伦之事。

王：那我就放心了。

邹爱卿不要伤心。

大丈夫顶天立地靠的是智慧、胆识，不然你怎
邹忌：写啥？
王：该写啥写啥。

邹忌：那得您说啊。

王：那。

好吧，我说了。

群臣吏民，能当面批评寡人之过者，受上赏?上书谏寡人者，受中赏；能私下议论，而又让寡人耳闻者，受下赏。

望我群臣吏民，不自欺，不欺人；不欺世，不盗名；不歌颂升平，不粉饰黑暗；卓然自立，诚实无伪。

钦此。

邹忌(停笔)：君王圣明。

王：那是当然，不然怎么当君王的。

邹忌：那您能不能再说一次，刚才我没注意。

王：（大怒）你。

你。

你。

（晕倒）
背景乐向天再借五百年。