英文笑话

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bik

e and asked for forgiveness.

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and ye lling like the passengers in his car.

3、Do not argue with an id iot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you wit

h experience.

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8、Having sex is like play ing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be change

d regularly, and for th

e same reason.

11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until yo u hear them speak.

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tel l you why it isn't.

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box t o start a campfire?

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys i t?

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit sa lad.

24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, t hey can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?